an episode of the madeleine perhaps the scent of the lavatory maybe eye don’t know

foamy darkness floods my world comes in waves comes in big pounding maverick water worms tsunamis of wow throws me below holds me under my face riding along against the bottom scraping the rough grit of sand eye am an accident happened eye am victim and perp my lungs burn my ears pop my world comes in waves

eye didn’t know eye could bend this way
eye don’t know up from down
do you know if eye can mend this day
do you know if eye’m gonna drown

eye can paddle eye can swim eye keep an eye out eye do these rogue waves though they sneak up on me surprise me it’s a beautiful day water’s calm everything’s right everything’s righteous the clouds they just float along like an easy love my head frolics like babies splashing about at the shores edge

the sparkle of the sun on the breaking waves

twinkle twinkle

goddamn

foamy darkness cuthbert after dark summer evening august evening too humid to even sit inside the car at the drive in movie theater they have rows of metal lawn chairs set up in front of the concession stand tinny speakers the same ones they the eager loyal movie goers put in the windows of their cars crackled snapped popped ain’t exactly sensaround sound people mingling sitting around passing bottles in paper bags smoking cigarettes talking walking around behind the stand smoking joints

pete squatted and breathed hard and deep head between his legs then looked up as robbie squatted in front of him placed the lit joint between his lips blew out a thin jet stream of smoke as they both slowly oh so slowly redneck stoner yoga stood up pete breathing in the stream as he rose his arms spreading wide ben junior stood behind him catching him as pete fell backwards nearly passing out

fuck we’d do anything for a rush

rising shotguns

twinkle twinkle

goddamn

we hung around the concession stand walked back and forth between the painted concrete block building that also housed the projector the beam of light shooting out like a cheap sci fi movie swarms of moths mosquitos and assorted other flying creatures in its tract between the concession stand and the cars we walked back and forth robbie’s ess ess three ninety six impala johnny’s sixty nine boss mustang with the three ninety holly six fifty four barrel double feature vanishing point and bullitt two three four year old films guaranteed to have the rednecks spinning out onto through the gravel lot dust clouds blowing up and around swirling around and into the thirty forty pairs of light shafts of brilliance from the depths of darkness shooting up and down as the cars made their way up and over the moguls and earthen berms separating the rows of parking spaces tucked between the speakers two to a pole

the movie ended we piled into the cars me pete jerry robbie ben alan johnny beers passed around tops popped pffft pffft cold buds fresh from styrofoam coolers tucked away in the trunks everyone fired up bullitt leaping the hills of san francisco we had never seen such hills we lived the flatlander life kowalski burning up the road in his white challenger

the desert seemed so exotic to us crackers a world dry with no water no trees no rivers no ponds no humidity no mosquitos

hard to conceive

eye didn’t know eye could bend this way
eye don’t know up from down
do you know if eye can mend this day
do you know if eye’m gonna drown

eye sat in the back seat me the young cousin they only let me drive when they’re too drunk too drunk being when eyes close tongue hangs out drool on the chin eye sat in the back seat of the impala with peterson robbie behind the wheel jerry up front ben and alan over in johnny’s mustang

racing down the road one behind the other passing each other side by side until we see the lights of an oncoming car cresting the horizon then the desperate tear to move ahead the one on the left pushing pushing hard the one on the right just trying to keep up force the other to fall behind to fall in line once johnny tried to run around robbie the impala would have none of that johnny pushing pushing hard to get around eventually at the last second pulling way off the road on the far left the oncoming car splitting us in two horn blaring blasting between us

hard to conceive
hard to believe

back around the square with the confederate soldier standing guard in the middle standing atop his marble pedestal sword drawn rifle at his side cannons below one facing each direction of the compass protecting our women and children

ever vigilant

round the square out college avenue turn on highland pull into the drive robbie he turns his left hand still on the wheel he looks back he says hey his seventies stoner stache sagging his hand gripping the wheel he says hey

pete

go get your sisters

pete he gets out of the car eye follow him we walk across the neighbors’ yards it’s not that late maybe ten eleven behind and above the shrubbery through the leaves of the dogwood trees the ancient azaleas and camellias we see the blue glow of televisions the yellow glow of occasional lamps the shadows of still human remains lumps of humanity slumped on couches in lazy boys the last silent vestige of saturday night baptists preparing their souls for sunday services we walk around behind his house pete’s house he lights up a cigarette he lights up a joint passes me the joint we duck into his garage he pulls a bottle out from behind some boxes he pulls out the cork hits it holds it up in the purple glow of the bug light hanging out over the drive

jack daniels

black jack

he throws the cork toward the back of the garage passes me the bottle says fuck it let’s go we walk into the house through the back door into the kitchen still smelling of grilled cheese two red potatoes float in a boiler sitting half astride the coiled electric burner atop the stove beneath the harsh white fluorescent light hidden within the hood

flickering

the television flickers in the next room sending snowy images across the mottled shag carpet the girls his sisters sprawled on the couch the chair a sleeping bag on the floor a couple of beer cans on the coffee table an empty half pint of seagrams vodka lying on its side beneath a couple of jelly jars turned into cocktail glasses with the last bit of red kool aid mixed with whatever

jan fourteen becky thirteen susie eleven and three quarters another girl eye don’t know pete says flicking on the overhead light the girls complaining rubbing their eyes he says hey they yell he says hey a nerf ball soars through the air just missing his head he says hey let’s go there’s a party down on the corner they brighten the one eye don’t know she says she asks robbie there becky gives her the evil eye pete he says yeah robbie ben a few others

we herd them out the door

pete and eye we stumble behind passing the jack back and forth the glowing red buds of four cigarettes float ahead of us bobbing in the darkness the foamy darkness bobbing like the slut giving a blow job in a cheap porn movie pete lights his own we stop at the edge of uncle ben’s drive lean against his work truck the old green dodge panel truck passing the bottle

jan goes dancing prancing over to johnny and ben they take her by the wrists walk her over behind johnny’s car susie runs up to jerry he gives her a beer and a cigarette he’s so fucking squirrelly with his skinny shoulders hunched up his thick wireframe glasses becky walks flirtingly up to robbie he doesn’t look at her doesn’t notice her he says he looks at the other girl he says hey luanne she says hey robbie becky walks over sits on the hood of robbies car smokes her cigarette alan walks over sits by her she doesn’t look at him she just looks over at robbie and luanne they wander over to the front steps

susie she smiles jan she giggles becky she boils

pete he tosses his cigarette says gotta piss eye follow the first step is a bit wobbly so is the second we head across the street stand on the front steps of the high school the one that pete will end up quitting in the next couple of years we stand on the front steps of the high school a large two story brick building polished concrete and marble steps a torn notice about end of summer football practice coming up

get ready for two-a-days

pete unzips starts peeing on the door eye duck into the bushes eye like my privacy eye finish pete is still sending streams of steaming evening piss splattering running pooling into the corner of the stoop eye head back over across the street pete catches up puts his arm around my shoulder we stumble step by step

together

bottle in hand it’s mostly gone my head is spinning stomach gurgling churning burning pete is singing i’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name eye join in it felt good to be out of the rain we lean in together croon in the middle of the yard we

stumble step by step

around the back of the mustang johnny is kissing jan ben has her shirt up her bra dangling one hand groping her tits she pants her pants pants unzipped both ben and johnny each with a hand down beneath her panties she’s leaning back against the cool glass of the fastback writhing eye can’t tell if she’s trying to get away if she’s pulling them close eye can’t tell her mouth is covered she is half their size pete hits the bottle it felt good to be out of the rain
 

stumble step by step

in the desert you can remember your name cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain susie on her knees behind a big rhododendron at the corner of the house jerry’s pants dropped around his ankles legs shaking drunken moans one hand holds onto the thick trunk the flowers swaying like ghosts in the night me and pete we stand watching silent spinning sloshed we can’t see the act itself we can’t see her young head bobbing on his nineteen year old cock we just stand there drunken imagination not needing much

hard to conceive
hard to believe

eye didn’t know eye could bend this way
eye don’t know up from down
do you know if eye can mend this day
do you know if eye’m gonna drown

becky glaring at robbie sitting on the front steps he’s funny never seen him like that he’s holding luanne’s hand they’re talking she laughs the school girl chuckle robbie he laughs his horse like giggle becky she’s glaring cigarette glowing alan he’s trying to kiss on her neck becky she shrugs him off like he’s some irritating gnat she’s already got something somebody under her skin me and pete saunter by arm in arm holding each other up

stumble step by step

she becky leans forward takes my face in her hands gives me a big kiss surprises me takes me in her hands surprises me eye kiss her back drool and whiskey running down my chin the smell of cigarettes on her breath in her hair on her fingers sending bubbles up from my stomach eye burp loudly belch fire pete pulls me back says hey says leave him alone slut she pouts falls back arms crossed falls back against the impala alan puts his arm around her she turns and kisses him

their tongues tangle twisting in the streetlight

me and pete we stumble step by step he lets me loose eye keep going eye don’t fall but eye sort of do eye land on my knees get up grass stains on my jeans forward momentum keeps me going eye’m back up knee to heel to foot back to knee to heel to foot pete doesn’t notice eye’m up eye spin around to find him my partner my drinking partner my pissing partner eye’m walking backwards he’s falling toward becky slaps her open palm alan pushes him back pete falls to the ground eye try to dig in my heels gonna go help him up eye’m still going in the other direction trip over the monkey grass lining the sidewalk fall backwards into luanne’s lap my hand sliding between her legs finding robbie’s hand there eye look up eye say hey can eye stick my fingers in her pussy too robbie he stands up he grabs me by the collar he rolls me into the bushes he says eye need to be nice to ladies luanne she’s a lady not like these other sluts eye roll over into the bushes

eye hurl gagging flows of jack daniels vomit popcorn coca cola reeses peanut butter cup barbecue from the pig and pit wave after wave

foamy darkness floods my world comes in waves comes in big pounding maverick water worms tsunamis of wow throws me below holds me under my face riding along against the bottom scraping the rough grit of sand eye am an accident happened eye am victim and perp my lungs burn my ears pop my world comes in waves

eye didn’t know eye could bend this way
eye don’t know up from down
do you know if eye can mend this day
do you know if eye’m gonna drown

eye get to my knees vomit on my hand eye crawl to the wet dew soaked grass wipe my hands lean down wipe my face the coolness of the midnight dew feels so good on my cheeks roll my face in the grass becky laughing luanne laughing pete eye look over at pete he’s hurling now in violent jerks heaving bile from deep within eye feel hands on my shoulders eye hear robbie muttering fucking lightweight he rolls me over picks me up throws me over his shoulder takes me up on the porch sets me down gently in the lawn chair

giggling quiet transcends into dreams canoeing across the lake on a chilled bright morning fish jumping a single buzzard flies over heading for the trees

eye wake up the next morning lying atop the covers of my bed my clothes still on buttoned up a bit of crusty vomit on the collar the sun peeks through the window a cardinal perches at the tip of the dogwood level with the second story bedroom window my tongue is dry swollen the air conditioner in the other window purrs whirrs frigid air across the still damp shirt eye need to piss and shit eye can’t get up

eye roll over curl up bury my face in the pillow

hard to conceive
hard to believe

an episode of the madeleine and all that

 

 

 

let’s burn the world down and start all over

isn’t that what god usually does anyway banish us from the garden drown us in an angry flood send the giant fish to swallow us whole drive us into submission beneath a tidal wave of plague pestilence pissing disaster destroy our homes in a rain of fire turn my wife into a pillar of salt set a wager with the devil himself fuck you oh omniscient one best talk with me before you gamble for my soul where is this fucking god of moses

where is the god of hazel

joshua come blow your horn see the walls come tumbling down jesus come blow me see my faith come tumbling down

it’s time yes come let’s walk in the desert let’s climb a mountain let’s drop down deep deep into those dank dark caverns let us pray yes fuck yes

let us pray

we walk through the grassy green front yards down highland avenue across the street from the high school recently gutted through the white flight from integration put upon them by yankees and nigger lovers up in washington dee cee the flight the fight the right to pursue privately financed jim crow education provided by the randolph county founding fathers enforced by the local sheriff funded by those who would employ the niggers and white trash in the local cuthbert pulpwood mill

we walk past the old southern cracker boxes along highland avenue across the street from the high school where just the night before earlier that morning really we snapped the chain on the fence around the stadium we raced robbie’s impala ess ess three ninety six down the short alley behind the bleachers short sprint against bobby fairchloth’s sixty eight mustang three ninety hi-po fastback with the shelby additions road barely wide enough to hold the two cars we were inches apart our wheels spinning our backends fishtailing a wonder we didn’t bump and grind twist and shout into the stands me in the back of the impala up on my knees in the backseat leaning out the window screaming the last midnight anthem of a drunken thirteen year old goddamn

let us pray

we walk across the lawns down highland street the dew spraying our legs with each step robbie not saying much he’s a fucking asshole in the mornings complains of headaches wears them as a badge of honor earned in the line of fire lined up against the wall cigarette in mouth blindfolded blind drunk shots of tequila bourbon

hambone the bartender at the local vee eff dubya he looks at me sternly he leans over he says taking a moment to spit into the sink where he is also washing shot glasses and beer mugs he says boy he says how old’re you boy eye say looking over at robbie and ben eye say eighteen hambone he says sheeee it lemme see your teeth eye give him a big grin hambone he says giving ben and robbie a wink he says yeah you old enough

hambone he pours me a small beer eye’m four years younger than robbie hambone he slides me the beer eye sip at it thoughtfully robbie he is seventeen we walk across the lawns of bermuda grass and blue grass and crab grass and dandelion greens dodging the fire ant beds robbie not saying much he’s a fucking asshole in the mornings he wears his dingo boots eye wear my adida basketball shoes worn white with black stripes

he reaches into his pocket fishes out a small foil package hands it to me he says hey you’ll need this eye take it hold it in my hand look at it thoughtfully eye have no fucking clue on how to use a rubber it goes on my thirteen year old dick somehow eye wonder think back to last week robbie kicked back on his bed stroking his very tremendous cock reading to me tales from the penthouse forum

eye could fit robbie’s rubber on my pubescent forearm it will swallow my cock goddamn let us pray

he looks at me looking at the rubber he says put it in your wallet bring it out when you need it eye said oh kay hambone he poured me another beer we me robbie ben pete we wandered over to the pool table in the back couple of locals playing ben puts two quarters on the edge of the table calls next the one guy wearing a red mesh cuthbert feed and seed hat glances up with his eyes before sending the mottled cue ball down a path of green with a soft spin lightly tapping the eight ball nudging it into the side pocket the cue ball floating harmlessly into the middle of the table

spinning spinning spinning

not

skynrd banging around the walls yelling about neil young pete stands in the corner beer in one hand cigarette in the other smoke curls around his white boy fro lips moving silently a simple man don’t need him around anyhow ronnie van fades away george starts up with my sweet lord pete swings a pool cue tapping feed and seed in the ass says fucking faggot falls stumbles back feed and seed stands up whirls around starts to swing his stick at pete ben steps up quick punches him in the kidney feed goes down

my lord i really want to see you

we take the steps up to pete’s house me and robbie me with the rubber newly deposited in my wallet take the steps two at a time open the screen door the spring squeaks complains the smell of bacon frying slides out from beneath the door the sulfurous aroma of scrambling eggs we walk in with a short knock not waiting for the answer jan is at the stove with the frying pan susie shuffles around in a bathrobe and slippers we say hello robbie he walks through the living room down the hallway opens a door becky’s in bed he stands in the doorway nods me in

he’s hungover

his shaggy hair on his shoulders scruffy teenage beard mustache hanging over the edge of his upper lip overbite with fangs barely showing tee shirt telling the world to grow their own he nods me in says have fun make me proud closes the door eye stand leaning against the closed door becky looks over at me pensively

let us pray

ben takes his two quarters puts them in the slots slides in the lever the kah-chunk of the balls falling in one solid burst feed and seed gets up walks into the bathroom ben nods at me says rack ‘em up eye do ben says to robbie you walking kind of slow tonight robbie he says yeah ben says you ben popping pete’s sister again he grins robbie he laughs says well you know most mornings before work after their old lady heads off pete he sings along to carlos

she’s a black magic woman

eye gulp my beer stumble trip over my pool cue which slips between my legs fall against the table the tight rack now not so tight ben breaks the balls go nowhere

eye sit on the bed next to becky she unbuttons her pajama top shows me her thirteen year old tits takes my hand places it on the right one eye massage caress it feels soft the nipple is pink she says kiss it eye do she slides my hand south over her plump belly over her pubic bone onto her muff

she says looking at me her eyes taking me in she says you ready

eye lean over the table tap the cue ball the two pops into the corner eye tap the cue ball again the orange five spins bounces against the seven slides into the side pocket eye tap the cue ball the three taps the side rolls harmlessly down the rail smacks the eight which pops out into the middle ricocheting against the fifteen the thirteen the ten stops cold

a body in motion remains in motion

she says looking at me her eyes taking me in she says you ready

ben he’s pissed off he hits the cue ball hard it hops off the table lands on hits pete’s foot he can’t feel it he’s swallowed two ludes he’s singing along sometimes i feel like i’m tied

to a whipping post

eye sink two more then run to the bathroom to puke eye sort of make it most of it goes in the toilet some it doesn’t eye put my hands under the faucet throw water up on my face eye feel better eye pick little pieces of vomit from my teeth eye burp eye feel better eye feel like eye’m tied

to a whipping post

she says looking at me her eyes taking me in she says you ready eye slide my hand down my pants eye’m not ready eye lean over eye kiss her a dry kiss no tongue mouths open dry air flowing between us she says looking at me her eyes taking me in she says you ready eye slide my hand down my pants eye’m not ready

she says something wrong eye say no nothing’s wrong

eye hear giggling down the hallway it’s susie eye robbie snapping at her goddamn it susie can’t you keep still for one fucking minute

she says something wrong eye say no nothing’s wrong

donny osmond he leans over mic in hand almost falling out of the pink poster on becky’s wall wake up little susie wake up whatta we gonna tell your momma

fuck

robbie he knocks on the door he says hey time to go we gotta go to work gotta open the store she says something wrong eye say no nothing’s wrong robbie he knocks on the door hey no time for seconds we gotta go to work she says looking at me her eyes taking me in she says you ready eye slide my hand down my pants eye’m not ready

fuck

eye get up eye walk over open the door robbie is there smiling eye walk past him on out the door he follows me hey how was it cuz eye say hey it was oh kay

fuck

let’s burn the world down and start all over

isn’t that what god usually does anyway banish us from the garden drown us in an angry flood send the giant fish to swallow us whole drive us into submission beneath a tidal wave of plague pestilence pissing disaster destroy our homes in a rain of fire turn my wife into a pillar of salt set a wager with the devil himself fuck you oh omniscient one best talk with me before you gamble for my soul where is this fucking god of moses

maybe eye’ll learn to pray again some day

sweet home alabama and all that

she dances don’t you know

when she writes she dances a long slow winding thoughtful ballet bold witty in that this is just the way it is kind of way in that life is kind of cool and groovy shit stains on the polished wooden floors caramel spots don’t much smell anymore when her slipper slides over looking back spots dots disturbing only if their origin known

that’s the thing

origins unknown where do you go how do you know mind map chart your soul plot your path how do you set course when there ain’t no rand mcnally dog eared torn pages coffee stains stuffed beneath the seat

eye so know you eye don’t know you will eye will eye there are so many things that can get in the way my cock can be such a roadblock a landslide blown across the canyon floor turn back turn back looks like we need to make our way up through the rugged mountain pass hey if it was easy they’d let the girl scouts do it

he says winding through haute couture in dimly lit unwindowed museum caverns hand on the small of her back lightly oh so lightly he says confidence escaping him where did the ego go he had it when he walked in bag check coat check ego check he says hey it’s got to be easy

she smiles nods that don’t be such an asshole look then grins that hey eye got your number don’t fuck with me buddy leans in to open arm says cheek to chest says to herself to him says yeah easy looking for easy

when she talks she dances along an edge halting slowly sometimes she looks at me sometimes she slips her gaze down left right sometimes eye think she’s thinking should i could i can i trust myself to say this that maybe it’s such a departure sometimes eye think she’s thinking thinking wondering wandering inside outside struggling to find that core that source of heat that ball of fire that she has is will unleash on the world

she shapes that fire

rolls it in her hands like a snowball rounds out all the rough edges spherical perfection trims a bit here trims a bit there places it gently in the box that is her gut her cunt her throat places it behind the lens the light filtered focused concentrated feeding the fire fatlighter fatwood for the heart the soul

eye fear the fire

eye’m attracted to the fire a moth to flame no but perhaps a coyote at the edge of the campfire’s light eye crave the warmth but the light ah the light she may see me in the light

and then where would eye be

adam in the garden the apple just eaten our nakedness revealed

that naked dance through the garden reaching to cover as soon as we’re exposed modern interpretative eye know nothing of dance eye’ve read of the five positions eye can fuck in twenty six maybe more eye’m enrolled in continuing education eye’ve read of the five positions eye always thought they had fancy french names but

eye’m wrong have been will be so mistaken about so many things

one day eye will know all but right now

eye’m an ignorant fool

five positions and all that 

the fucking doves they cooed

no baby not that coooo coooo sweetness of the morning come whisper to me no sugar they practically cackled said hey they squawked through the open window they said hey wake up cocksucker wake up and piss the world is on fire she awaits she burns the world is so goddamn beautiful take this goddess while you have her take her now

who knows tomorrow she may be gone

love her now because don’t you know

once upon a time eye said goodnight to god

eye said now eye lay me down to sleep now eye pray to simply get laid either way it brought it brings me closer to god all eye ever wanted was all eye ever want is to be closer to god

come on baby baptize me with your love you are my affirmation of faith

licking pussy getting high the night before goddamn where she took me this bitch goddess woke me up once upon a time eye said goodnight to god on the southern french coast she sweet goddess she woke me up she baptized me with her cunt the flesh her belief in us in the youandme 

she even taught me to use the bidet

such sweet debauchery what a path of sin goddamn save me from the depths the canyons of my faith she stands before me in her sweet flowery girly bathrobe opening oh so opening her breasts breathing opening like it was her legs opening her pussy breathing before me the bidet spraying my asshole eye’m her lesbian on her french throne

eye used to be a good boy eye said my prayers every night now eye lay me down baby sometimes eye am so down so so down don’t know when eye started the prayer thing way back way back way back when my momma she sat on the edge of my bed she had these sixties southern housewife long fingernails properly polished hard filed to a fine and delightfully sinful edge she’d slide her hand beneath my pajama shirt eye’d close my eyes she’d scratch my back oh so lightly slowly round and round she’d whisper to me say hey she’d whisper to me say michael baby say your prayers and eye’d say them the usual few lines now eye lay me down to sleep remembering to bless everybody momma daddy brother grandmamma and granddaddy one and two uncles aunts cousins

yeah eye’d even say god bless robbie and ben junior way over in cuthbert

eye did

maybe eye still should you know turn the other cheek

eye’d say my prayers right there with my momma scratching my back eye never knew how long she stayed she’d be sitting there next to me as eye prayed the moon and stars twinkling in time she murmuring to me saying nothing my momma she didn’t sing my momma she was a saint that didn’t sing an angel with no voice an angel who loved the god who eventually spurned her turned his back on her she’d be there at night sitting on the edge of my bed next thing eye know eye’d smell bacon cooking in the morning

goddamn eye miss that smell

that smell of her pussy sitting on my face me blindfolded hogtied on the bed her squatting low eye said earlier sitting on the bidet eye said fuck you girlfriend you ain’t going to hogtie nobody tonight girlfriend she said hey i’m from nebraska eye said eye didn’t know god was from nebraska next thing eye know that smell of her pussy sitting on my face like going to church goddamn

goddamn eye already miss that smell can’t go a day without that smell

when eye got older my momma she would just say time to go to bed and watch me walk into my room she didn’t follow me in anymore she didn’t scratch my back anymore eye still prayed eye didn’t get on my hands and knees by the bed but eye prayed eye’d get into bed under the covers if it was winter eye’d snuggle deep under the quilt maybe quilts eye didn’t do the now eye lay me down to sleep thing eye just talked to god this preacher we had at our little brick methodist church with the dirt parking lot this preacher fresh out of duke seminary school our church was so small the only preachers we could attract were young preachers right out of seminary this preacher he told me one day during sunday school he said hey michael just talk to god just tell him about your day he’ll dig it

preacherman he was a jesus christ superstar kind of hippie

all our young preachers were idealistic hippies who lost their way out on tobacco road fresh face nineteen seventy one bent on ridding the world of nixon kissinger spiro agnew jay edgar hoover and the are oh tee see way out on tobacco road these young preachers they danced with word and faith

the church elders the fathers of the community at least that methodist part of it the good old boys the rednecks in our church they tolerated such foolish peacenickerie only so much before they sent them packing their peaceful talk the only peace that interested the church fathers was the piece that would fit in a holster

my uncle ben he was no church father he was barely a redheaded church stepchild but he parted easily with his tithing it was the right thing to do the fathers of the community they sent business my uncle ben’s way my uncle ben he voted for wallace in nineteen sixty eight

he got pissed at my old man for voting for nixon said nixon was oh kay bombing the shit out of them cambodian mango munchers yellow menace to the world that they were hell still are but nixon was a nigger lover and he couldn’t forgive him that my uncle ben he also said on more than one occasion that he didn’t like the preachers in our church said that they were hippie faggots

funny his boys weren’t far off his boys robbie and ben my cousins

they wasn’t innocent victims like billie joe mccallister they was still around on the third of june they never saw the tallahatchie bridge they was just plain old hippie faggots hell he’d just as soon throw them off the bridge any bridge though better’n wasting bullets on the cocksuckers

my uncle been he was a baptist who could give a shit about the father the son the holy ghost the holy sacrament fuck the fire fuck the brimstone fuck them baptist preachers

but sweet goddess she fucked me she fucked me into the evening well past the setting of the moon deep into the morning eye woke to find her still there

the jesus christ superstar hippie preacherman he taught me to pray he taught me to talk to god eye spoke to god eye prayed to god then one night eye said goodnight to god eye just said amen brother eye’ll catch you on the flip side eye did over and out

eye said eye give up she had me hogtied right there in the dawn eye said oh kay oh kay baby eye surrender to your love eye’m going to be with you forever eye did she said are you going to write about how much i love you how much i laugh when i’m with you how much i cum when i’m with you about how much i love fucking you are you gonna write about that she said you gonna write about that

once upon a time eye said good night to god eye think eye was thirteen or so eye had been in cuthbert for the summer eye came home eye started school must’ve been the eighth grade eye played football eye was a linebacker eye liked to hit people that fall eye played basketball eye made my grades eye didn’t really look at girls too much eye thought a lot about them eye didn’t really look at girls too much after that summer in cuthbert then one night sometime that year

eye just said good night to god

she held my head up in the lobby later in the morning showing my neck to the concierge like she had bagged her first deer of the season me her trophy fuck

eye just said good night to god eye mean this writer eye read that he said if you’re going to write a book if you’re going to make a world who the fuck asked you to eye mean just who the fuck do you think you are

it is an act indeed of ego to sit down in your little celestial room stars all sparkling your omniscient cunt throbbing while others of us are getting on trains and subways and sitting in traffic and scrambling for food rats in our maze such incredible ego to put your vision on paper on parchment on the very ether itself

and then ask us to pay to read it to experience your creation to pay in our blood and lust and tendon and stupidity and desire and cravings and greed and downright uncivilized behavior not only are we asked to pay but we are also expected we are absolutely required to proclaim isn’t god brilliant

mister gaddis he said my god it’s an act of audacity

baby my baby's love was her love is so audacious hogtie me make me proclaim how goddamn brilliant she is in the morning sun coming in over the mediterranean bouncing rainbows like a fucking romance novel the doves cooing on the balcony

walls melted all my walls melting

once upon a time eye said good night to god eye woke up in the french morning sun eye said hello where you been eye’ve been looking for you

angels singing prayers answered good morning god and all that

  

 

running seems like eye been running my whole life running away running toward running round and round and round some cheap ground cinder track running through and beyond running through the swamp lifting my feet with the schlurp schlurp of the muck trying to keep me there amongst the cypress and ferns and spanish moss my whole fucking life running from the swamps through the swamps bag in one hand stick in the other fucking snipe hunt of life eye’ve kicked over rocks eye’ve poked my stick down snake holes into varmint holes shook all the bushes climbed trees seined creeks wallowed in the very mud holes that tried to call me home little furry cocksucker never showed its snooty snout

fucker just never showed up

love did 

every now and then in all its morbid and various forms love did goddamn love did 

running through the presidio it’s may day all the communists are marching in the streets do they still do they eye need to go find me a copy of the daily worker ah the world ah the world let’s dance in the streets let’s take it to the people let’s take it to china let’s take it to texas let’s take it to austin san antone do the funky chicken down sam houston boulevard captain travis eye’m with you gimme me my bowie knife let me gut a commie running through the presidio it’s may day beautiful blue skies another shitty day in paradise

the trees tickle the sky

baby eye tickle your toes

eye suck them when you let me yeah another shitty day in paradise follow me follow the path the shining path jesus he was a commie c’mere lemme gut you too lemme cut you from my life carve your tattooed image that graven image that homage to love and magdalenic lust from the breast plate of my soul

you protected me for so long where did you go

running through the presidio remember when trails were trails everything is so fucking

civilized goddamn

these days don’t you know the trees all so perfectly trimmed the trails all so neatly flowing beneath my feet eye am jesus walking on a river of fresh redwood bark eye am the lord our savior lemme put my hand on your forehead lemme me kiss your sickly brow eye will make you well eye will grant you everlasting life

eye will shove my cock so far up your ass

you will speak with two tongues running through the presidio remember when you loved me so remember when goddamn the trails so neatly groomed little rustic logs lay asleep on either side mark my corners map my mark yellow brick road eye’m off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of extreme paranoia

she loves me she loves me not

running through the presidio start at the arguello gate wind through wind through eye’m sailing through the rigmarole goddamn eye rarely say it always wanted to write that word now that eye have it’s oh so very anti climatic

maybe eye’ll go back to school

study climatology limit my anti climatic tendencies running through the presidio down through the wooded glen that borders the golf course that borders the world of eye zod and khaki and white spiked shoes gimme me my bowie knife it’s a fair fight you got a fucking club hell a whole bag full of them c’mon eye’m worthy of at least a three wood take a swing

remember to keep your head down

while eye slit your throat running running down through the woods urban jungle red tailed hawk soars above two crows from tacos laugh at me perched upon the chain link fence thoughts of looney tuned black face taunting me from within after school cartoons

ozzie he sings through my ear buds make a joke and i will sigh and you will laugh and i will cry happiness i cannot feel and love to me is so unreal

eye am an enemy of the state

of mine do you mind hope you don’t it’s in my dee en ay eye am innocent of all charges j’accuse oh j’accuse eye swing my shaft graphite light flexible but never breaks my balls are white with dimples see them soar chasing the tweets in the bush

c’mon baby grab my cock like a stick shift slide your finger up my ass cup my nutz sit down on my face little miss muffet eye am your fucking tuffet eye am your fucking curds and whey smother me tie me up wearing gold lamee bring in a shibari expert bring in the boy scouts wearing those cute little shorts showing those knobby little knees forty seven merit badges like a general and his battle ribbons cuff me for the perp fuck make it hurt leave a mark eye’m a fucking houdini ain’t much been able to hold me down hold my hand hold your horses hold my breath one two three fifty eight fifty nine sixty eye’m still alive surprise surprise can’t kill me eye’m already dead

bring me up on charges eye surrender you’ll never take me alive

pound me like a piñata take my candy my sugar is yours

running through the presidio running running up through the cemetery it’s so naturally national all sorts of dead people buried in their uniforms you need forms all the dead soldiers all the while whistling waiting waiting for the midnight hour haunt me girlfriend send a chill up my spine raise the hairs on the back of my neck while eye nibble on your throat back around through fort scott

hey hey hey eye’m headed somewhere ozzie he sings through my ear buds can you help occupy my brain eye’m headed somewhere eye’m not just rambling just needed a page or two to get warmed up just needed to get my fingers limber dance across the keyboard

where’s my fucking number two pencil

where’s my girlfriend

where oh where are you tonight why did you leave me here all alone eye searched the world over and eye thought eye found true love you met another and thththlp you were gone

shout out to grandpa jones

running through the presidio through the woods tall california pines tickling the clouds this little piggie went to market this little piggie stayed home c’mon baby give me the roast beef eye know you’re down with the pig gimme some o’ dat pork pie how much you weigh eye’ll cut you a filet trees reaching up touching the fog that drifts in wisps through the blue sweet mother of pearl pine tree pussy drips sap sauced semen like we was in vermont gimme a bucket to catch your love drip your love down my chin

encounter encase encapsulate

embrace

break out of the woods into the quad that is fort scott not willard not george see but winfield there they are they look like some memorial on the mall korean war vietnam war dubya dubya two they squat so still stand so still some supine silly motherfuckers all dressed in black beaming smiles glowing from beneath black face sleeves black helmets black boots black pants black blouses fucking ninja turtles where is donatello where are my nunchaku

eye check my pulse are these guys for real are these guys real people do they breathe eye ease off my apollo acceleration winged migration slow to a lull look about they’re all around me one behind the tree one on the porch of the old barracks one lay in the tall grassy uncut lawn others behind parked cars one on the roof all holding em sixteen rifles pointing them at some unknown titillating terrorist target trigger happy looking for an excuse my heart pounding eye stop raise my hands

gee eye joe wearing a fluorescent orange vest carrying clipboard casey jones clock cast on a lanyard round his neck waving his arms

black sabbath pounding paranoia through my eye pod all day long i think of things but nothing seems to satisfy think i’ll lose my mind if i don’t find something to satisfy fuck must just be a coincidence eye don’t know whether to cry or kick someone go down fighting gee eye joe he says hey he says don’t you worry none don’t you even blink an eye you just come on through we’re just running a little

exercise

swat looking cocksuckers playing army man in the presidio on may day boogie down productions we’re on level orange after all never know when the terrorists might just rain down upon us reign over us hold the reins hold your horses hold your breath one two three fifty eight fifty nine sixty

gasp

breathe baby breathe just breathe eye’ll hold you eye’ll hold you through your dying breath you can die in my arms eye love you that much

eye’m just running a little exercise

running running running through the presidio headed toward the golden gate bridge headed toward the golden gate

eye think eye’ll make it

wink and grin snipe hunt and all that