yeah oh yeah yeah the buzz it oozed across among through around the table oozed like cane syrup down a thick porcelain plate set on the lap of a fat woman at the church pancake breakfast fundraiser

sandman paused the game cocksucker was about to deal sandman paused the game standing up to deal didn't have the faculties didn't have the coordination didn't have the sobriety to deal while sitting sandman paused he asked for a

stoned moment

he lit a bowl wavering just a bit legs steadied against the table he lit the bowl yes the cocksucker inhaled the world goes around he exhaled slowly he said coughing a bit he said guys guys guys fellow schmucks it's my deal i'm going to call the game i'm going to call for a

stoned moment

how to shift gears how to downshift double clutch around the curve power into the fucker power out yeah back keep the back end behind you up early in new york city three thousand miles away at least that's what united airlines tells me up early beautiful spring morning like you only get in new york up early a little hotel room yoga it's the new stretching out the front door across the street down the bridal path a couple of miles around the reservoir wind back down the path around the big meadow up through columbus circle

i'm fucking with my music i'm downshifting from the iggy pop sprint nineteen sixty nine baby sliding into a little soul coughing janine i drink you up look up these fuckers yelling at me pointing at me waving their arms at me what the fuck i look around notice all these cameras and lights and microphone booms notice i had just run up onto a movie set i guess they were shooting they got pretty upset i mean it ain't like i'm guilty of some vicious

drive by fucking

i'm just running man i'm just running my man i'm just getting my motor warmed up got to slide into deal mode gotta get pumped up baby i mean all these dudes yelling at me at eight in the morning on this beautiful spring morning i mean dudes

dude you're harshing my mellow

i mean it ain't like i'm some seal slapping seagram sipping dumb fucking newfie canadian got drunk stumbled onto the set to get an autograph of a real american movie star

yeah sandman he smiled one of those cheshire cat smiles looked upward as he closed his eyes he breathed not quite a sigh not quite yoga more like that final exhale that grin and breathe catch your breath as your cock slides glides slips on out post coital don't you know the tail end of a

drive by fucking

he smiled then he dealt some stoner game like pass the trash if he weren't a jew from pittsburgh he'd be white trash hell let's just call a spade a spade he's a white trash jew from pittsburgh later much later my man vee swami vee wins a hand or two he says i read you motherfucker i read you like phatmike's blog sandman says stuffing shit into his piehole potato chips pretzels gummi worms twizzlers he says the challenge is to

stay more stoned than you eat

walking cross town fifty first street heading east late for a lunch going to meet a friend for lunch squeezed in the lunch got another meeting at two over on third avenue walk past a cute woman squeezed into a cute black dress showing plenty of thigh she speaks into a wire dangling from her ear drifting bouncing near her lips continuing on down disappearing into her purse yes yes yes i'll meet you later first i'm headed to the colony club for a workout then i just have to

do my nails

it's been a week she turns off on park i wait at the light two guys talking two guys mid thirties in suit and tie nice suit not a lawyer suit not a banker suit i'm thinking consultant you know booze or bee cee gee maybe first guy so you still dating sue second guy no man we broke up like two months ago i mean i broke up with her first guy that's good man you don't want them getting the jump on you second guy yeah i know got to

stay more stoned than you eat

keep the buzz one step ahead of the bloat yeah four hours maybe more every couple of weeks just a bunch of schmucks gathered round a table i wear my lucky hat my grey pork pie hat four hours i just go blank grin laugh joke trade insults say nothing say a lot doesn't fucking matter no one remembers anything anyway we're too stoned

i like it that way

walking back from dinner restaurant on the east side walked back through the park to my hotel gary gee he said don't walk through the park i said yeah yeah oh kay man i won't walk through the park gary gee he has his own driver he rarely walks anywhere anyway i walked back through the park seemed an opportune moment to light up a nice

bowl stroll

through the park emerge again onto columbus circle no movie set just the late night crowd and horse carriages a police van drives by very slowly the cop in the passenger seat looks at me long and hard head turning as they drove by i followed his gaze turn and cross the circle to the fountain

soldier in cammo fatigues

he's sitting on the statue base phone to his head gesturing with his free hand arm then quitely brings his hand to his lips cupped to protect the conversation probably discussing national

secrets

the earth is wiggling on its axes no doubt about it first the fucking doc won big after giving so much for so long so generously uncomplaining then the limey won not really fair though i mean the cocksucker didn't even get stoned

he fucking reformed

go figure what's up with that i mean if you need fifty bucks so bad that you want to take advantage of a bunch of stoned schmucks i mean just fucking say so we'd probably all chip in we'd spot you the fifty hey we're fucking schmucks yeah we'd never let you forget it but that's also because we're schmucks

on the airplane home woman and her sister sit in front of me they both be some big women some big beautiful women breasts that would smother bouncing in tank tops the sister she periodically yells out

fucking justine

fucking cunt fuck fuck fuck about every five or ten minutes pretty consistently she'd be talking to big sis talking about the trip headed to san francisco yeah headed up to napa visit some wineries right in the middle of the sentence

fucking justine

i'm thinking tourettes i'm amused some of the others up in the business class cabin they're less amused little old lady from orange county probably canadian she takes a sharp little breath with each outburst probably the victim of yet another

drive by fucking

then then then lo and behold yes virginia there is a satan fucking john schmuck shows up after em eye aa for twelve decades little fucker waltzes in he probably smokes more dope than all of us put together hell he spends most of the poker night crashed out on the couch anyway waltzes right in takes all our fucking money what the fuck

my world upside down

on the way home coming out of the park right there on the corner near eighth avenue we see this crow fly overhead drop something onto the grass swoop down hop over hop over wings spread he pecks at the ground a couple of times lifts his head high a fucking gopher mouth wide open in some sort of

silent scream

crow flaps his wings takes off across the street up and over the the trees toward the bandstand fucking gopher never had a chance rome is indeed burning all we do is get stoned and play cards fuck nero let him play his fiddle at least when we go down we'll be together stoned and playing cards yeah if the big one comes on a friday night you know one of the every other friday nights if the big one comes on that friday night during one of those

stoned moments

i won't mind wouldn't be so bad cards stoned moments drive by fucking silent screams and all that

touch her here

cousin robbie he leans down he talks softly to me he says here you just touch her here the room is mostly dark light comes in through the open door a dull light from somewhere down the hallway a nighlight on the bedside table glows yellow through its fake stained glass lightshade

whitesnake yells curses at us from the stereo in the living room

two days ago we played cards me robbie cousin ben peterson but peterson he didn't count we let him play but he didn't count they never much let peterson count for much don't know why he stuck around he fucking worshiped my cousins worshiped my uncle ben his old man peterson's old man

he killed himself four or five years ago uncle ben he then just sort of took pete under his wing in his own redneck way gave him a summer job yelled at him told his momma he was good boy just a little fucked up but he didn't count much robbie ben they picked on pete like it was sport i started in on it too hell pete was two years older than me that's just what we did though i mean

pete and his sisters

it was just understood we just knew everyone in cuthbert knew fuck pete and his sisters hell they were just

white trash

two days ago we played cards me robbie cousin ben pete but pete he didn't count we let him play but he didn't count i mean fuck

they were his sisters

ben he deals the cards around he says sliding each of us three cards he says oh kay oh kay this is it this is the way it is you want the pure fuck you pick jan you want the wild fuck you go with becky you just want a blow job you grab little suzie here it is here it is three card high hand match the pot three pots you gets your choice dig here we go

cards go round money goes in spreads around i win the third pot after a while cousin ben he looks at me he says he looks around to robbie to pete he looks at me he says well well well what's it going to be michael i want to say i forget my choices can't tell him i've forgotten my choices they'll laugh ben taps the table he says jan becky suzie which one michael let's go michael i say becky ben he leans back he looks at robbie he whistles he smiles he says

that's my boy

i'm thirteen pete is fifteen robbie is seventeen ben is nineteen suzie is eleven becky is thirteen jan is fourteen i don't know why the room is so dark we smoked a lot of weed that summer my summer of nineteen seventy two my summer of smoking weed smoked my first joint that summer did my first batch of mushrooms that summer did my first hit of pee see pea that summer they called it tea aitch see though telling me it was natural fucking dumbass rednecks thinking back it was this wierd crumbly pink shit the room is dark though big old room the bed had brass posts and real springs

touch her here

uncle ben aunt annette they went out of town left us the house this big old antebellum house on a corner lot cuthbert georgia uncle ben aunt annette they left us we bought lots of beer we bought lots of weed we made sure the sisters came over me robbie ben we each got one yeah how about that pete he brought his sisters over we sat around we had a couple of beers we smoked a joint or three then pete he walked his sisters around to the rooms i had a feeling this was not the first time just got up he walked his sisters around nobody said anything he came back we smoke another joint we laughed ben cousin ben he stood up he grabbed his crotch he said yeah need to get my pipes cleaned he sauntered on out of the room

yeah

touch her here

robbie he tosses me a rubber i didn't even know had never even heard the word condom i don't think my cock was even big enough to fit into a goddamn rubber he nodded toward a back bedroom door i got up i walked down the hallway went into the room closed the door behind me

room was dark

becky was on the bed she wore a short school girl skirt halter top freckles grinned at me she said rolling over onto her side she said hey i said walking over sitting on the edge of the bed one foot still on the floor i said hey

she leaned her face up to me i leaned over we met somewhere in the middle we kissed her mouth open my mouth open air in between no tongue dry kiss nervous kiss three point four seconds she took my hand held my hand put it to her breast i squeezed her tit softly tenderly timidly she said our mouths parting she said hey i said yeah she said so i hear you won a card game you chose me i said yeah she said that's sweet i said yeah she kissed me again

the room was dark

she lifted her shirt she had large pretty breasts looked large to me at least what the fuck did i know she lifted her shirt i watched i just watched she reached behind her back and untied her halter top i watched i just watched she slid out of her top wiggled out tossed it on the floor behind her i just watched she leaned her face up to me i leaned over we met somewhere in the middle we kissed she took my hand put it to her breast i squeezed her tit

for a minute there i thought her the most beautiful creature in the world

she looked at me she said rubbing my leg she said you got a rubber i said holding up the foil package i said yeah she rubbed my leg she looked up at me she rubbed my leg i looked around the room she took my hand from her breast i guess i might have squeezed too hard she looked up at me she rubbed my leg she said touching my hand she said hey want to take your pants off get comfortable i said no i'm oh kay thanks

the room was dark the woods were dark earlier robbie a week earlier up in robbie's room robbie he said hey michael don't worry i wouldn't ask you to take anything i wouldn't ask you to take anything that would hurt you i'm looking after you man here drink this i said taking the peter pan peanut butter jar filled with this dark dark purple juice i said what is this robbie said drink about half that it's shroom tea drink about half that ought to do it i said you sure he said yeah don't worry no big deal i said what's it going to do he said

it's going to fuck you up

here take this with it he handed me this pink pill said here take this hit of tee i said what's tee he said just like weed only in a pill he said here take this hit of tee i said what's it going to do he said

it's going to fuck you up

yeah yeah i drank the tea yeah yeah i dropped the tee dumb fucking rednecks i was a dumb fucking redneck kid hanging out with a bunch of dumb fucking rednecks yeah yeah it fucked me up we drove way way out into the woods we got out in this clearing we built a fire we smoked weed i stood by a tree a little sapling i held onto that tree most of the night i held on tight i held it so tight that it eventually came out of the ground the clouds thirty years later i still remember the clouds rushing by racing by across the moon

two screech owls

soared above us into the clearing screaming screeching wings spread silhouetted in the full moon robbie and pete they both screamed with them they flew together claws extended forward silhouetted in the full moon like two giant mythical creatures of yore crisp pure they collided in midair they bounced off one another they fell nearly to the ground recovered flew off in opposite directions

we got into the cars and left i don't know i don't remember i can't recall what happened after that i do remember later much later i couldn't sleep my mind still racing i stayed up late reading penthouse letters some dude he fucked a turkey fresh out of the oven one dude he got laid by his roommate's sister on a visit home one dude he was babysitting his nieces they were thirteen they danced naked in front of him while he jacked off one dude he fucked his girlfriend in her eye socket when she popped out her glass eye

seemed right to me

the room was dark becky she looked up at me she said hey you're not hard are you can't get it up i said i can get it up i just don't want to she said

here touch me here

she took my hand she parted her legs she slid my hand between her legs i touched her she was moist almost wet she slid my fingers between her legs i got hard yeah i got hard then i took away my hand i leaned over i kissed her i said looking around the room i said so hey i think i just want to kiss you she said really i said yeah she said oh kay i kissed her

i walked out of the room she put on her halter top she followed me i walked down the hall cousin ben he came stumbling down the stairs zipping up his pants suzie she came down behind him not really looking at us cousin ben he sees me and becky he grins he ssaid hey cuz how's it i said cool becky she said cool ben cousin ben he said cool he takes becky by the arm he said hey girl let's go on in here robbie he comes out of another room he follows ben and becky he motions for me to join i walk in ben picks up beck he tosses her onto the bed robbie he takes off her halter top ben he spreads her legs robbie he says

here touch her here

ben cousin ben he leans over he looks at me he says hey michael how bout this he leans over he kisses becky's tit he suckles her nipple he bites her playfully becky complains he lifts her leg smacks her ass he says hey i'm trying to teach little cuz something here you behave i look beyond ben suzie she stands in the doorway watching her big sister jan walks up behind her wearing one of robbie's tee shirts jan walks up takes suzie by the hand they walk back down the hallway toward the kitchen

becky sees me see her watching suzie leave the room

here touch her here

robbie he says to me he takes my hand he places it between becky's legs he takes my finger he slides my finger inside becky ah geeze ah jesus we stand around the bed lamps glowing into the darkness becky lay on the bed like on a surgical table sheets down air conditioner in the window blowing hard goose bumps on her skin all three of us touching her groping her kissing her probing her finally ben cousin ben he says why don't you guys go get us a beer i say wiping my hand on my pants i say oh kay robbie he looks up he says you go get your own beer you just want us to leave so

you can fuck her

ben says yeah so what robbie he says well what if i want to fuck her ben he hits robbie on the arm

hard

with his fist then shoves him toward me he says you already fucked jan all i got was a lousy blowjob from a crying little girl i'm going to get me some pussy i walk out ben raises his fist to robbie again robbie leaves behind me i hear the door close the lock click

the hallway is so dark the hallway is so long the light in the kitchen seems so distant i hear quiet talking whispering maybe i walk into the kitchen suzie she is rubbing her face with the palm of her hand jan is frowning i walk over to the cooler notice peterson he's standing out on the back deck smoking a cigarette under the porch light he sees me see him he turns i grab a bottle of

miller high life

the room was dark yeah boy dark room dark woods dark summer and all that

rome is burning all i want to do is fuck

we have no shame send our sons daughters sisters brothers aunts uncles dogs horses we just sit back on our couches watching these stupid cocksuckers on the tee vee watch snippets woven in between episodes of the latest jason alexander sitcom and much more serious programming like jeopardy tell somebody oh jeopardy is my favorite show they raise eyebrows and oooh in that respectful manner watching these cocksuckers on tee vee it ain't even good tee vee

the violence

it's too sanitized too clean i get much better violence on the sopranos at least on the sopranos i get the raw human story the angst the emotion the drama watching these cocksuckers in eye rack in aff ganny stan in eye ran on the mexican border

why not the fucking canadian border i mean hey we should keep those boring pasty pale white skinned motherfuckers up there in their own own personal refrigerators at least the mexicans brought us cinque de mayo and tequila

ah man remember shots of tequila and fucking all night

what the fuck have the canadians brought us shitty bacon fries with gravy a bunch of frogs dumber than the originals celine dion oh kay oh kay i'm not totally harsh i'll give 'em kudos on vancouver they got great green bud buddha bud up there i had a candian girlfriend in college cute she liked to fuck she was the first woman yeah she was a woman true first woman to beg me to slide a finger into her ass i loved her then we broke up over

a minor disagreement

then she got pregnant in one of those desperate post break up marathon arguments in the morning while sitting staring over coffee in a supposedly neutral diner fuck all day long in a dark sweaty damp sweaty dank sweaty atlanta apartment mid september

she told me a month later that she was pregnant she told me she didn't know who shot the bullet me or evan she fucked him the next day it seems

revenge fuck

hey i get it i understand now fucked me up at the time though don't you know fucking canadians

but no let's build a wall around mexico we should probably help the europeans blockade africa let's get the fucking oil first maybe some good coffee and cane let's build a wall hell i already have i have my own personal wall my own fucking prison i can't watch these cocksuckers on tee vee i see them running around in their humvees and tanks and wearing their helmets and boots and cammo the guns they fire they don't sound like guns on other shows they sound like toy guns sound fake hell the production quality c'mon the video is still fucking grainy what the fuck i can't watch these cocksuckers hell they ain't even

good tee vee

fuck 'em forget 'em i want to turn to the asshole sitting next to me on the plane look at him with a tear running down my cheek look at him ask him maybe even take his hand ask him yeah it's always a him the hot babe always sits two rows up and across the aisle i have only her ankles and the curve of her breast to keep me going to keep the faith ask

have we no shame

the airplane tee vee plays en bee see news in the air this is fucking news pearly teethed snake oil salesmen and harlots tell me america is great we are spreading freedom just like i spread mayo on a kaiser roll advances in molecular science will one day allow us to live forever ralph the dog rescued a three year old boy who fell down an abandoned mine shaft ain't that just fucking heart warming the president waved at the camera as he rode his mountain bike along a texas trail built on his ranch most likely by a bunch of fucking mexicans making four bucks an hour and having to bring their own shovels

ever wonder how hard it is to cross the rio grande with a fucking shovel in your hand

i never knowingly fucked anyone from texas i could never cross that rio grande funny thing now though rome is burning all i want to do is fuck

she got an abortion the canadian i cried i dropped out of school i went home to valdosta i got a job as a sports writer for the valdosta daily times i would sit in the newsroom all by myself on friday saturday nights take phone calls from the basketball coaches from all the local schools they the coaches they would describe the game to me i would spin a sports tale we used manual typewriters i could type i can type i'd get bored only so much of myself i could put into these stories i tried my editor he told me to calm it down i used to go sit at the desk of the

religion editor

i always loved that title i coveted that title i sat at her desk yes she was a her prim proper presbyterian those words those three words go so well together i sat at her desk used her black royal newsroom typewriter left little notes typed them up left them right there in the typewrite carriage little tidbits quotes nietzsche comments on god being dead black sabbath lyrics my favorite a tom waites line

there ain't no devil just god when he's drunk

the editor he called me in the editor he said i went too far i told him i needed to go back to school the editor he agreed we came to an understanding

i never came to an understanding with the canadian girl woman a year later maybe more she went to the eee are in an ambulance she called me she had the ambulance driver call me i dropped everything i sat in her room i held her hand until her mom came then i left we never came to an understanding she and stella trade holiday cards sometimes showing off the kids

i don't think it's possible to fall out of love

do you

rome is burning all i want to do is fuck

walk out my front door family getting out of a blue volvo gotta be east bay peeps parked in front of my house beautiful sunday afternoon they're going to the park to the museum to the japanese tea garden hey it's a sunday afternoon in the city i mean me i'm popping across the street myself me and cuda going for a phatty stroll me and cuda getting to float through the woods the redwoods fire up a bowl cuda she don't partake but she's cool cuda she hasn't eaten any little kids lately rotties though they do need to eat blue volvo yellow bumper sticker big bold black letters no war in eye rack fuck what we got here a bonafide east bay pseudo hippie family in a volvo complete with anti war bumper sticker ain't this cute ain't this quaint got any converts pal won over anyone with this witty sticker anybody walk up to knock on your window say thanks brother before i saw your bumper sticker i believed the only good raghead is a dead raghead now thanks to you and this

hit of blotter

i'm all about the love fuck yeah man thanks no war in eye rack dig that message right on my salt and pepper mo fo you got a petition i can sign peaceful protest power in numbers one two three four we don't want your fucking war power to the people right on give peace a chance three dead in oh high oh maybe it was four i forget fuck they're getting ready to go they are lathering sun screen on the kids' faces the kids protest frown complain youngest one strapped into a six hundred dollar stroller took dad fifteen minutes struggling trying to open it mom walks over snaps it open with one yank the table cloth off the table don't disturb the plates glasses silver napkins maneuver dad fumes curses china calls cocksucker i walk by i say dude hey it's oh kay the war you can make it go away just turn the channel don't you know

it's only fucking television

for god's sake there's better shit on the tube and for chrissake turn off your holy fucking en pea are cokie baby i only want to lick your ass if i want your lip i'll show you my cock tune to wild ninety three nine bitches and ho's twenty four by seven bitches and ho's will set you straight slap an in and out sticker on top of this yellow one you got maybe add one of those geeky linux or apple stickers or hell go all the way slap on a friends don't let friends drink at starbucks sticker trash those birkenstocks get yourself some nifty ninety dollar sweatshop nikes really fucking define yourself homeboy just go crazy i mean really i have to ask you

have we no shame

walk through the woods find me a hole dig me a hole slide on into that hole cover myself up with redwood boughs get all warm and comfortable i don't want those cocksuckers on tee vee any longer i don't want to know anything about it just call me when it's over i'll come out when it's over just call me when it's done i'll be right here in my hole

shit rome is burning all i want to do is fuck

canadian abortion basketball coaches volvos and all that

some kind of joy

today don't you know one of them days been feeling kind of empty lately funny my cup so full like a cup of coffee filled to the brim walking down the steps maybe a little too quickly maybe a little stumble

baby i do fall

maybe a little stumble the arm the wrist the hand not so steady a little spills over the edge it's hot oh baby it's hot like my coffee hot fire up my cup sugar  it burns a bit gets a little red and splotchy yeah been feeling kind of empty funny though

me and cuda walking through the rose garden small woman hippie clothes carrying big stick more like a pole each end capped by these funky torch like balls we stopped at the traffic light waiting to cross fulton i said so like you catch these fuckers on fire and spin it around she said yeah something like that i smiled i said cool she looked over her shoulder she said yeah i like to be in complete darkness the tips lit dance weave spin it all over my body

baby i do fall

i smiled i said cool i bet that's hot she smiled she said it is i turned on fulton she kept going up park presidio to the bus stop

a small bit of joy i think i could exist on nothing but tangerines cheese apples coffee bread running through the woods at dawn right before the sun comes up i dig the shadows single trail down to the beach maybe have to jump over a couple of well let's just call them campers a small bit of joy and swimming in the bay any time of the day but especially early in the morning and fucking i dig fucking just about any time of the day don't you know ain't no click on the clock that is reserved that says no fucking during this time but but but i gots to admit i gots to confess fucking at dawn is a sacred thing something about plunging my cock into the wet sunrise next to jesus don't you know small bit of joy i do just dig the morning small bit of joy ideal morning would have all of it no wake up to a long juicy morning fuck take a long run through the woods down to the beach strip down dive into the bay goddamn

everything else is a luxury

maybe even love is a luxury maybe could i exist without it god i can't stand the thought can i love if i'm alone god i don't know can i love more than one god i hope so

i smiled i said cool i bet that's hot she smiled she said it is

i can love that moment i can love her in that moment for that moment the clouds floated above the sun touched her touched me at the same time moment sustained i fucked her undulating fire breathing throat she set my cock afire we kissed did we ever stop fucking if we never started have we always been fucking somewhere you know that ethereal plane can we just slip in whenever we want to are we do we have souls up there out there we'eve just always been fucking sometimes down here earthly pagans that we are sometimes do we find a way to break off to slip through

that ain't so bad 

yesterday drove up to palo alto went for a long run with vasu kicked his ass on the run never kicked his ass on a run before the cocksucker runs like a gazelle got them long skinny ass legs fucking vegetarian injun motherfucker usually beats me run circles round me not today i felt good kicked his ass oh kay oh kay yeah he had played golf and had a couple of beers nevertheless i kicked his ass we sat on the back of his car out by the dish in palo alto all these other runners hikers walkers what the fuck is this sports walking thing and please what the fuck is it with these brightly colored tights fuck sitting on the back of vee's car out by the dish smoking that skunk weed from amsterdam then smoking a cigarette nothing like a good fag after a four mile run the other runners they do tend to make faces fuck em i'd rather be dead stoned and naked anyway

i got no time for perfection

sitting on the back of the car talking shit talking the algorithm of life vasu being my personal spritual guide cocksucker that he is talking about how we're connected hub and spoke peer to peer i'm thinking more some kind of total immersion tap into it as long as i ain't got to wear none of that brightly colored spandex got into the car hit the road driving up two eighty yeah i fired up one for the road what the fuck the mountains off to the left the sun dipping down on top of them the clouds oh baby the clouds the way they spotted the sky blushing when the sun hit them some fog creeping through the crevices of the hills down through the trees got jim white playing on the see dee i'm buzzed yeah i'm pretty stoned i'm just driving put it on cruise control

hey is that a metaphor fuck

i got lost

in my head danced a bit i sang a song small bit of joy

me and stella we hopped on the vespa it's her vespa she drives i just sit on the back check out the scenery every now and then i lean forward say something stupid sometimes she laughs sometimes she frowns sometimes she just doesn't hear me the sun is bright the air is crisp we hit the mo ma calder thing going down nineteen oh six earthquake thing going down across the street in yerba buena park ballet thing going down some rodeo thing ballet dancers wearing cowboy hats me and stella we hang on the lawn fuck

tough to spin a tale feeling kind of empty lately funny when i'm so full

breathing fire small bit of joy and all that

what's with this fucking weather eh cold rainy almost commanding driving me to the jolly joker in neumarket i mean i bought a fucking umbrella yeah oh kay so it was a cheap one five euros i'm a cheap cocksucker five euros it wasn't five minutes before the slut turned herself inside out showing off a little ankle the wind blew it inside out fuck even worse oh kay even worse the cheap fucking boomer fucking shoot was plaid yeah red and black plaid yeah it's cheap and it's ugly it don't work and i look like a fucking tourist i'm just another fucking tourist left san francisco sunday morning got here amsterdam is here got here monday morning friend slid me a little pill said here take this like the dude who traded jack three beans for the old cow hey they're magic beans i popped a bean bada bing i'm out i wake up we're landing at schipol goddamn didn't want to watch that movie anyway they wave me through customs

no hesitation no remorse

i guess no one hates the dutch enough travel from america and blow them up i mean they're cheap but they're lovable they wave me through customs barely looked at me fuck i'm harmless i'm simply another dirty old american what the fuck do they care

sitting at the bar in the jolly joker everyone has their favorite sam he said his was hill street blues some dig the bulldog me i'm a jolly joker guy what the fuck sitting at the bar in the jolly joker i should speak a little dutch just think of all the tidbits of life i'm missing out on here all the music though it is in english marley and hendrix seem to be perennial favorites

there are a handful of americans hanging around mostly younger college kids wandering the countryside fuck i'm definitely the oldest american here fuck i might be the oldest guy here period that's oh kay they all wish they could get this silvered temple thing going for them i smile tell 'em they have to earn this look

got to have stories to tell before your hair greys this way got to talk story got to have stories to talk got to earn this grey

walked around amsterdam stoned with my tattered umbrella in the rain seemed to be the thing to do wandered around found that secret garden village in the middle of the city the one across the street from the university the one where you have to go through this door this simple arched wooden door open the door like alice in the fucking looking glass walk through and you're no longer in the city but in this beautiful little green park with houses around it

wandered over toward the eastern side of the city found my favorite pancake house yah stuffed myself seriously on this big bacon banana pancake fuck yah good eats dribbled syrup all over myself like a fucking tourist

drank coffee all day long

wandered back to my hotel eventually fell asleep finally around ten thirty woke abruptly around two thirty couldn't go back to sleep until around four thirty slept through my alarm my partner finally calls around seven thirty says hey fuck face you coming down or what fuck fuck run through the shower slid the razor across my throat fuck i'm so tired if i just went a little deeper maybe i could go back to sleep a nice bloody sleep nah not today who would find me some house cleaner from eastern europe that would ruin her entire fucking day week probably nah throw on my shirt fuck it's wrinkled ah what the fuck cuff links clicked in tie wrapped around my fucking throat which once was so close to slitting what's with the tie anyway fuckers getting all proper on me for god's sake it's just fucking television down the elevator into the restaurant throw back a couple cups coffee into the cab out to the office park at the edge of town hey hey hey it's television baby they love us we love them but neither of us let the other know because we're

negotiating

knowing we both want into the other's pants come on baby give it to me we just have to be civilized and all fuck whatever happened to the vikings they knew how to do business we just have to be civilized and all be nice about it but be firm tough love baby we're talking money we're talking value creation we're talking about television

if i could make the same money i'd sell used cars

get more satisfaction i think that's my next job gonna buy myself a nice corner lot hopefully one that already has a used car business gonna grow me a pencil thin mustache gonna get me some plaid pants not like my umbrella but more brownish tannish gonna get me some white leather shoes belt to match gonna sell me some cars gonna say hey baby you would look so fucking good driving down the road in this little sugar machine don't you know it we got credit to give and baby i want to give it to you whaddya say we also have it in

green

ended the meeting around two headed back to the hotel meant to go for a run got caught up in work fell asleep woke up to a phone call got ready for dinner back on more negotiating trying to hire a guy he's expensive fucking brits the goddamn exchange rate kills me but he's my man he's my bud known him for years i trust him got someone working for you six thousand miles away a little trust helps fuck i guess it helps if she's only a foot away if i'm only a foot away baby even when i'm six thousand miles away i'm only a foot away sugar i'm inches from your soul

flying to london in the morning still can't sleep one day i'll sleep one day i'll just crawl into bed and stay a few weeks maybe months just hang out pull the covers up over my head too bad dutch hotel television sucks the big one not one episode of elimidate to comfort me to hold me to pat my cock and say it's oh kay baby let me stroke you a while that's oh kay i guess i can do that myself i'm pretty good at it i know just the right places i know how to tease myself to the point of submission sometimes i hold out for entire minutes before giving in i'm so fucking convincing in my seduction don't you know that special bottle of cock cream that the hotel leaves in the bathroom comes in handy i love that chill from the first dabble of cold cream on the shaft makes me just shiver and shake i do like to shiver and shake but still

i miss elimidate

can't sleep in this time zone not sleeping much in my own time zone dinner until ten walk about with my man sam until eleven work until midnight or so try to crawl into bed eye em with friends colleagues smoke some weed stare out the window try to read consider sending emails i'm too stoned might send something i regret decide against it

i call stella

we talk it's not a good talk we're hitting fifty percent on good talks these days hit and miss it ain't easy being me it ain't easy being her it ain't easy being us fuck

someone left the door open i wandered out don't know who left it open she did i did the fucking dog did i don't know wandered out the fucking door across the street i'm turned around blind man's bluff spinning spinning spinning i'm dizzy lost

take my hand

wake up this morning did i sleep i don't know i don't remember did i dream i don't know maybe i did maybe i didn't maybe i stole someone else's dream gave it back before i woke up i was never a good thief i got caught shoplifting something when i was seven years old my friend tommy rudder he was nine he said here we were in dixon's five and dime on main street in halifax virginia he said here take this a hot wheel the cool one a green thirty six ford all souped up in that nineteen sixty six kind of way stole the fucking hot wheel walked out the store mister dixon he followed us mister dixon he said hey mike i said yes mister dixon he said you forget to pay i said yeah i forgot to pay we walked in i paid for the hot wheel it was all the money i had a dollar and thirty nine cents fuck tommy rudder he punched me when i came out he said

you should have run

maybe i'm just running through these trees wake up this morning flew to london what's with the fucking hats on the stewardesses' heads blue wide brim hats on these sexy bee em eye stewardesses with their funky blue hats she holds up the seat belt does the strapping motion i'm thinking she could strap me down fuck my mind it does wander it does

take my hand

landed in london driver met us fucking robert he had stories he drove us all over london from meeting to meeting robert he told us stories he tells us stories his mom died his dad has a second wife old robert is afraid that dad is going to leave all his money to her he's bummed he's bitter he talks story to us all day from first meeting in canary wharf to second meeting over near holland park to third meeting back over near marble arch back to dinner on portman square then to my hotel here off great portland station toured the city can't sleep still can't sleep can't sleep

one of these days i will find some sleep now i lay me down to sleep where did jesus go

cocksucker

phone calls over and over phone calls love is so terrifying love is so fucking all encompassing it comes in it sweeps me off my feet throws me around like cotton balls in the fall breeze dirty white cotton balls boll weevils hanging on for dear life bouncing from dirt clod to dirt clod down the row the little wind tunnel of dead dry momma cotton plants momma she up and died with the summer little cotton ball with the boll weevil getting blown all around getting blown all around

one of these days i will find me some sleep tomorrow i'm going to catch me a plane going to land at ess ef oh going to find my way out of the woods wonder if the door is open or closed i don't have a key stella she took my car got my house key on the key chain come on baby let me in i'll sleep all curled up on the foot of the bed like the fucking dog i'm the big dog move the fuck over cuda you hairy shedding hunk of stink going to catch me a plane going to find my way home fuck what's it look like wonder what happened to mister dixon's place i went home back in march maybe it was february i forget when one of those trips went back to halifax drove by mister dixon's it wasn't the five and dime any more it wasn't anything at all just an empty store front couldn't see through the window it was dusk not enough light yeah i never picked cotton i picked tobacco once picked tomatoes once never picked cotton picking tomatoes wasn't so bad picking tobacco sucked hear picking cotton sucks worse

i hope she left a key under the mat

yeah going home jolly joker jolly roger hidden gardens cold cream key under the mat and all that