the days just too idyllic it’s getting boring up in the morning early get up get up stretch touch the sky go through quasipseudosemisweet yoga stretches dirty dog fucking strange turtle in muddy culvert head down the road down the stairs down the beach a ways this morning’s selection being neil young some live recording huge swells like a hurricane waves breaking we were helpless helpless helpless surfers surfing silicon breasts bouncing as sweet lassies tongues wagging tails wagging boobies bouncing four dead in oh high oh

reach my mythical half way mark that point in time where i realize that i’m half way done when i know i’m half baked when i know it’s the dead center of my reach head back about face do the george bush thing and turn my back on mexico head north north to alaska up on the yukon trail maybe not that far almost back up to encinitas at least heading into los angeles bringing in a couple of keys don’t touch my bags if you please finish at the bottom of the stairs

strip down wade in dive through the wave splash splash warm as bath water

back up to the house long hot shower long hot phone call setting up two thousand six baby say hey say hey on a roll click click here click click there here a click there a click everywhere a click click goddamn the sweet sound of the clicking of the remote in the evening ahh soothing ahh so soothing sounds like victory yes it’s victory in the air operator get me new york i got opportunity on the line spit spot no fucking around

we’re talking television baby

yes yes thank you thank you happy happy merry merry to you and yours see you in january see you in the new year we’re going to make beautiful money together goddamn i hope the children have green eyes i just adore green eyes do you

herd the family into our respective cars our vehicles of choice there are nine of us seems like a dozen a bakers dozen not cheaper by the though we’re a big lot we take up a lot of space we head down eye five head down eye five to la jolla we find our local kayak rental joint we sign waivers indicating that should we drown should we fall into the ocean swept away by the current be found dead bloated half-eaten by sea worms on some lonely deserted beach in lower southern outer remote baja should that happen it ain’t their fault it ain’t nobody’s fault but mine we willingly almost joyfully sign said waiver bye bye walk to beach launch out into ocean youngest son sharing kayak with the old man brother in law launches out clears the waves like a pro sits out in the calm waiting for the rest of us slowly rolls like the dude in the yellow rain slicker on the tricycle on laugh in

that’s a television show

from its historical past dug up from the mines of television nostalgia my entire life can be time marked by certain television shows there was the batman era in the mid sixties when first and second grade fought for my attention there was the that girl bewitched era the partridge family brady bunch era when i first fantasized about laurie partridge god i wanted to know what it would feel like to have those silver braces wrapped around my pubescent cock there were the lost years that went from high school through college when television was sort of a blur there was the welcome back kotter good times maude mélange coupled with stoned saturday night live at someone’s house we’d be sitting around someone’s place somewhere in valdosta georgia smoking big fat doobies rolled in two double wide see zee wides horrible brown mexican weed seeds popping stems poking holes in the paper had to smoke about twelve of them to get decently fucked up someone would have to say yo dudes like it’s eleven thirty fucking saturday night live is on let’s turn on the fucking tee vee dudes

into the eighties

square pegs square pegs marked our departure from college and our arrival in california and i could go on and on and on my entire life can be time stamped by certain television shows

slowly rolls over falls into the water we’re fifty seventy five yards out he rolls over decides he’s had enough he swims back in towing his kayak and paddle he opts out on the full run the rest of us head on out our group some family from fucking manitoba stella working the crowd like a cruise ship activity director has already introduced herself knows their entire life story their vacation plans their hotel probably got their credit card numbers and bra size she’s good that stella never knew why she didn’t go into sales head out into the kelp beds at the edge of la jolla harbor can’t make the la jolla caves too rough swells too large ocean large expansive deep deep blue warm water december breeze keeping cooling

youngest son paddles spastically he’s fourteen for chrissakes he’s too busy trying to figure out how to swamp the kayaks hosting his brother our one and only oldest son and his sister our one and only daughter the princess paddle used more for splashing than for paddling there is much harvesting of kelp much slapping of water and each other with wet lengths spongy chewy salty seaweed

i stop kick back ponder my navel and chew on a kelp leaf

i take it all in i’m loving it all dig the family scene almost fucking disney i keep expecting dean jones to show up in his love bug beep beep let’s go floating out in the middle of the fucking ocean on my wet butt sitting on top of the plastic seat bobbing on the fifteen twenty foot swells that just roll beneath us sun beating down on my face a slice of kelp in my teeth just like farmer john on his tractor water splashing all around me yelling screaming nobody can curse like my daughter makes a daddy proud she fights her brothers with all the dirty cursing dirty punching sneaky splashing well beyond her five foot two inch ninety eight pounds and sixteen years

goddamn i both envy and pity the fool that marries this ball of fire

slowly paddle around and then head in catching a big wave riding it all the way in stella in a kayak with her sister the one still alive they get a little ahead of the wave it crashes in on them they flip length over length shit never seen one flip that way they come up splashing and cursing can’t figure out why they’re cursing at me blaming me something about it being my crazy idea

lunch at some deli in la jolla rustic chi chi like all these high priced california coastal towns serving up exotic sodas like cock and bull ginger beer so they can charge more to us tourists hey i’m not a tourist i live in california fuck you buddy you’re from nor cal might as well be from a different planet this here is so cal so fuck off and pay your tab

don’t worry we charge more if you’re canadian

drive back up eye five to encinitas we’re listening to this book on see dee been listening the whole way down from san francisco some nick hornby novel about these four people who meet one new years eve when they’re each trying to kill themselves don’t know how it is when you have to actually read it but it’s fun to have it read to us hell my experience is that if someone if reading it to me just about anything can be interesting

the days just too idyllic it’s getting boring

sun water sand and all that

the sun it did indeed peek through the fog today a little christmas sun broke through the clouds the warm southern california beach december envelope of love of moist moist love moist as your momma’s titties you’re six months old these babies they’re all you know these babies they rock your world that’s the solar heated fog december so cal beach town encinitas

long run slow run before the peek up the beach a ways up and over the bridge over the the river slash creek slash estuary kind of a wet slit cut up between the dry hills let that be metaphor for whatever the fuck you want whatever the fuck you need over the hill into carlsbad decide i’ve gone far enough turn around about face back from whence i came

stairs at the end sucked

came back got me a little christmas with stella little kiss beneath the mistletoe she make me smile she make me grin been twenty-five christmases with stella first one i took her down to cuthbert my family they were all excited they found out it was stella’s first christmas she being the wandering jew wandering way down into the bowels of south georgia they went all out they hung her a stocking they put gifts under the tree for her they had food everywhere always a smoked ham and a smoked turkey on the butcher block in the kitchen about a dozen pies cakes on the buffet in the walkthrough that was the first christmas the second christmas we lived in sausalito that’s in california the third christmas we lived in san francisco sausalito being just a bit too quaint for me and stella don’t you know don’t you say

usually christmas day is chinese food and a movie not necessarily in that order plan kind of fell apart this year it being hannukah first time since nineteen and fifty-nine the two have coincided the year being the year we were also born coincidence i think not there is no coincidence in this world there is only serendipity both good and bad and usually a bit a both we opted for latkes complete with sour cream applesauce stella’s recipe passed down a long line of persecuted princesses from suburban new york out on the island north shore if you’re keeping score opted for latkes and a movie went to the movie first found a movie theater nearby a nice suburban multiplex not one of those large twenty screen stadium seating exurban multiplexes just a nice suburban six screener with tow headed blondes taking tickets with toothy grins sparkling in the bright fluorescence had to pick movie with widest appeal across the kids the term kids being defined as those individuals between the ages of fourteen and thirty needless to say it sucked all were disappointed but not in a bad way not in a despondent way only in that traditional sense that bonding sense of hey that sucked just like last year that’s oh kay it’s that way every year although one year we went to see ali saw it in el aa at the big theater in hollywood even though oldest nephew biggest nephew the nephew who is in the biz who is the writer who is the comedian who is the funny guy he says that biopics are by definition a bad idea youngest son who adores biggest nephew he is torn since he worships ali since he and his like minded fourteen year old friends they need heroes they need those that are larger than life

i mean the old man that being me the old man can’t just loom large all the time

walked the beach with stella long walk down along the water surfers dotted the water brother-in-law with worse eyes than me he wondered aloud from the deck of the house he wondered aloud about all the very large sea lions bobbing out on the water felt bad in suggesting that those sea creatures might instead be of human origin might have come forth from human loins probably on clean sterile white sheets not from some rubbery mammalian cunt stretching convulsing contracting just below the foamy salty surface of the water

i mean probably

you never know there are indeed greater mysteries to ponder wilder stories that have been told that have been passed along through the ages i mean there is that one about paul bunyan and babe the blue ox there is that one about daedelus and icarus there is that one about moses and the burning bush there is that one about joan of fucking arc the one about jesus and the five loaves two fishes originally told in the gospel of mark repeated in the gospels of matthew and luke

greater mysteries indeed

walked the beach with stella long walk down along the water surfers dotted the water we sat and watched them catch the waves lying on their boards sitting on their boards patient patient then as if through some sort of ritual some sort of non-spoken communication one of them decides one of them makes the decision to move along the wave it appears it evolves it swells and breaks the rubber suited being paddles forward faster and faster up on its knees on its feet standing crouching arms out tai chi yoga on moving sliding gliding foamboard encased in fiberglass walked the beach with stella we sat on the edge of the cliff stella she tolerates my herbal intakes talking about what we shall do on our

week of vacation

maybe go kayaking maybe go visit a couple of colleges universities down in the area down here in the way way south maybe take younger son out to the golf links yes yes yes the things a father does for his kids i haven’t played golf since i was eighteen younger son is kind of the black sheep of the family he likes to play golf we tolerate we let him do what he needs to do we all have different callings i haven’t really played since before college called me since before i abandoned the homeland the southland what else should one do with swampland if not make a golf course if not carve a few fairways and greens why do you think they call them fair ways there is nothing fair about a swamp

it’s too darwin

maybe just hang way up in our cliff side abode read play cards watch movies try to sneak a quick one upstairs with stella when begging and luck come together maybe maybe

nothing heavy nothing deep nothing too out of the ordinary sometimes we just need a little ordinary

christmas hannukah hell christians jews the same until that little split that little spat that little burning of the temple thing the line of david veering off into christendom bet old david hadn’t counted on that happening bet old david hadn’t counted on the romans either nothing heavy nothing deep nothing too out of the ordinary

sometimes we just need a little ordinary

war on christmas and all that

dance to jesus tonight dance to jesus tonight

tonight i dove into my goddess tonight her foamy wetness broke over me broke through me spun me around turned me upside down twirled my curls whirled my pearls washed me back to shore and again and again until well cleansed scrubbed a dub dub walked barefoot down the beach baby boy walking by my side walking walking water lapping at our feet the fog sliding through our toes we’re way down south way down south in encinitas so cal baby we’re on the beach on the beach i hear i hear the sufis say there are many many paths to god one and only daughter she walks along with me baby boy water splashing our ankles fog sliding through our toes many paths to god i don’t mind having two three at my own disposal hell maybe more i get lost quite a bit ain’t unusual to find me wandering having a few paths to choose from makes it a bit easier don’t you know i hear the sufis say there are many many paths to god jesus ain’t such a bad one

dance to jesus tonight dance to jesus tonight

big house on the beach way way up on the cliff overlooking the beach the ocean the waves the waves the water the fog the sky the moon the stars the sand the cliffs they all just wiggle into together into that backseat of love into that lovers lane of bodies melding on warm vinyl seats the night the night

dance to jesus tonight dance to jesus tonight

kids are older they pair off they hang out watching some jet li movie original hong kong stuff older nephew he’s an el aa kind of guy he’s a writer he’s a funny guy he’s a movie snob he lives in el aa now don’t you know he knows the movies he tells us what movie is good what movie is bad what television is good what television is bad there is no grey there is only sucks and fanfuckingtastic oh kay oh kay there is respect he doesn’t necessarily like scorcese he does respect the motherfucker he does admire the cocksucker he admits to the greatness of scorcese he just thinks he sucks kids are downstairs watching hong kong jet li hong kong is in hong kong kung fu is in kids are older i’d rather hang with them they are cooler i want to be cool i want to young and cool again oh kay oh kay

confessions

i said again geeze louise it can’t be again shit that would imply there was a first time fuck all let’s just leave it at i want to be young again i want to be cool one day but tonight i just want to hang with the kids do the kung fu dancing thing everybody was kung fu dancing tonight is the night to dance to dance

dance with jesus tonight dance with jesus tonight

jesus he said while he danced the funky chicken while he danced the watusi you know he liked a simple little texas two step he liked to raise his hands do a little hula while he shook rattled rolled he said whoever is near me is near the fire

dance with jesus tonight dance with jesus tonight

way back when way back when once upon a time i wore a little white robe i stood up in the choir loft my voice had yet to change my voice had yet to go all sucky my voice it lifted up i stood up in the choir loft my little white robe floating in the breeze from the fans small church we didn’t have no air conditioner we had these fans we had these big old fans on the hot sundays the blades moving slowly slowly oh so slowly i’m looking up at the one stained glass window in our little church big stained glass of the three crosses up on the hill the sun pouring in lighting up jesus bleeding up on that cross crown of thorns planted on his picassoesque head a head looking toward the light sun pouring in hitting the dust in the air the dust dancing in the air little fairies sparkling sparkling

a bit gets in my eye a bit gets in my eye

a tear forms a tear drops a tear runs slides down my cheek a single tear i’m singing some song i think it’s an easter song i know i know my timing’s a little off kind of the story of my life that’s oh kay that’s all right i sang about dancing with jesus and i walk with him and i talk with him i sang about dancing with jesus and

it felt good goddamn

dancing with jesus dancing with jesus

jesus he said while he danced the jitterbug while he did the twist while he danced really fly pumping it up pumping it up jesus he said why do you wash the outside of the cup jesus he said while he danced the foxtrot while he spun softly to one of mozart’s waltzes while he whirled like a fucking dervish he said

be passersby

dance with jesus tonight dance with jesus tonight

tonight i just want to laugh and play and hug and kiss and roll and joke and tickle and giggle tonight tonight i just want i just want tell me a joke pose me a riddle take out a feather tickle my fancy tonight tonight

dance with jesus tonight dance with jesus tonight

lift my glass sip my wine smoke my herb kiss my loves

dance with jesus tonight dance with jesus and all that

motherfucker stood out on the end of the dock his yellow slicker glowing in the downpour motherfucker stood out on the end of the dock waving his arms i’m swimming by i’m floating by he’s yelling he’s fucking yelling at me i stop i tread a little water i look up he’s waving his arms yelling pointing up at the sky waving me back toward the beach thunder cracks lightening flashes flashes flashes it’s rather beautiful in that violent not a goddamn thing you can do about it kind of way in that we are all zits on god’s butt line of though thoughts of jesus loves the little children float away wash away all the little children of the world they float away

red and yellow black and white

they are precious in his sight jesus loves the little children of the world motherfucker yelling at me lightening striking he’s telling me to get the fuck out of the water can’t i see the lightening striking i say yes ain’t it something come on in probably safer in here than standing out at the end of the fucking dock like some piss-yellow protoplasmic lightening rod i wave him off the rain is coming down hard i pretend i can’t see him i pretend i can’t hear him raining so hard that when i turn my head to breathe i can take a big drink nice cool december rainwater the goddess she must be getting some good dick she’s shaking she’s trembling she’s growling she’s dripping something wild i’m jealous i’m jealous i’m torn with envy torn with unrequited lust i swim on out toward the flag it’s not like i’m heading out into open water a nice safe swim

out toward the edge

soon kayaks are descending upon me paddling around me leaning over yelling in my face they say time to come in they are dolphin clubbers i tell them i belong to the other side i’m a southender go fuck with someone who cares they are insistent

fuck ‘em

i come on in i turn around i’m pissed i’ve not been in the water all week been traveling again this fucking job taking me out of town making me leave my sweet goddess behind don’t they fucking understand she wouldn’t throw down one of those bolts on me i’m one of the chosen ones i’m special i’m quite sure she’d spare me should be oh kay of course always the chance of

friendly fire

but i’m willing to take that chance hell stella knows i’m overinsured anyway stella baby don’t worry i’m worth more dead buy yourself some young studpuppy someone who is actually good-looking

yeah goddamn i’ll be jealous i might come back around haunt your sexy self but only in that casper the friendly ghost kind of way i think i’ll reincarnate myself as a pair of your panties

hopefully your favorite pair

i turn around head back toward the club swim cut short got a good run in earlier though out toward the bridge up and over the fort mason hill down along the water along the marina green down through crissy field to the warming hut and back rain pouring down wind blowing almost blew me off the edge of the walk in the marina waves breaking up and over the wall can’t tell the splash from the rain it all feels wonderful it is full of life full of fucking life the life pours all over me soaks me

goddamn

the run through the marina is so different than the run through golden gate park many more serious people running here people that spend money on running outfits rain outfits i love the cold rain bouncing down on lycra encapsulated tits nipples springing to life wick-away shirts clinging to hard flat stomachs pouring down between around that luscious camel toe i splash through puddles dancing to the fugees wyclef jean shouting revolution from the rooftops of the projects

dancing

my swim cut short i only get about fifteen minutes in the water no church today the church of the roof of the southend rowing club is closed due to thunder and lightening and rain kind of funny kind of odd it is what it is the goddess freshly fucked she’s oh kay she knows we love her the sacrament is burned is a little wet we take a raincheck the herb is burned discretely in the car along with this american life

deep deep water shoreline distant floating floating easily floating touching touching touching bobbing for apples bobbing for flesh bobbing for tits such buoyant tits buoyancy is a plus she says buoyant tits heavy cock she says do we get a verb throb thrust surge is one needed no verb needed n’est-ce pas floating just being just is

she knows we love her the sacrament is discretely burned while listening to this american life drive up through the presidio over to café cubano no parking spot i head down to clement street to toy boat no parking spot head to balboa to javaholics no parking what the fuck is going on i decide it’s phatmike blend today i turn onto fulton run into traffic the goddess a little peeved obviously a tree lay across the road

timber

wires dancing on the wet street the buses stopped people out on the road guess it just happened only just fell i am a little spooked i am like the aboriginal host seeing columbus in his brass armor i am humbled i make it back to my house no power at home which means no coffee i’m starting to take this thing a little personal should have gone to church this morning shouldn’t have gone for the radio version in the car me and stella we take cuda through the woods we go check out the damage we are entitled to gawk it is our neighborhood after all not like there are bodies sprawled on the road we’re just curious we want to see the firetrucks think there is a universal thing about wanting to hang out when firetrucks are in the hood

motherfucker in a rain slicker standing on the street corner yelling at everyone telling them to stay away from the wires they could get electrocuted we could get electrocuted we could get quite fucked up motherfucker standing around a piss-yellow beacon with whistle in the street i walk into café muse their power is out the coffee still warm

nearly hot

it’s hot enough it’s hot enough the milk is room temperature i’m a happy guy

yellow protoplasm thunder and lightening goddess piss and all that

oh lawdy television it won’t wait it can’t wait on a plane early early morning flight it won’t wait it can’t wait people in white shirts dark grey pants and thick soled shoes they stand in front of machines made of molded stainless steel and rollers and stiff rubber curtains like those at the end of the car wash these being at the beginning of the brain wash however they can’t wait they won’t wait it swallows my briefcase my laptop properly separated from my briefcase and sitting neatly in a grey tray all by itself its lonesome self my coat scarf and wrist brace carefully removed from sprained wrist yeah i sprained my wrist the other day running wasn’t even trail running running down the sidewalk down near the marina green fell tripped and fucking fell wham bam didn’t want to tuck and roll considering i had only two weeks ago broken my fucking ribs didn’t tuck and roll wrists forward yeah that’ll work whack concrete takes a bloody chunk of meat out of my palm no jacking off with that hand for a while it’s my right hand don’t know what i’ll do better practice with my left hand i did this morning in the shower i fantasized about you left hand did the trick don’t you know i’m fucking ambidextrous after all who would’ve known wouldn’t have been so bad falling that is wouldn’t have been so bad had i been solo had i been running by myself no wasn’t going to go down that way so to speak my man pete he happened to be running along side me i felt pretty good i remember commenting to myself shit i feel pretty good this morning i got a little lift in my step i’m about to take off jettison my man pete smoke my man pete my toe it hits a hole not even a hole maybe a little lip in the sidewalk gravity it can’t wait it won’t wait wrist out whack knee down whack slide scrape roll looking up at blue sky not a cloud in the sky beautiful morning into my purview oozes my man pete’s grinning mug he says holding back a laugh he says you looked pretty stupid there you oh kay swallows my wrist brace sitting there with overcoat scarf gloves i’m heading to the east coast rumor has it being cold swallows my suitcase swallows my shoes i wonder if i have to detach my penis and send it through as well i forget the rules maybe i only have to do so when it’s in that erect position iron rod that it is in that position never know if it’s going to trigger the alarm i often have to force myself to think about

 baseball

or some similar boring activity to keep myself from being aroused it doesn’t take much hell as my man tom waites says he says i’m so horny the crack of dawn better not bend over in front of me i once thought about stamps postage stamps thinking them a safe neutral subject to keep john henry down but i wandered over into the new release of some clara barton susan bee anthony eleanor roosevelt stamp series all it takes is a little ankle john henry he pops up smiling he’s a nail driving phenomenon goddamn goddamn hell golda meier herself ain’t safe around me i love it when a woman has no qualms about killing you after you’ve fucked her it’s so very black widow i decide i don’t have time to detach what with the straps and hooks and buttons and all i really need to upgrade to the electronic model i guess i’m just too old fashioned i start getting that kind of fancy next thing you know i’ll have to get going with the crystal and wyndham hill accoutrements no thank you i like my rock and roll raw i’m into the black keys these days but i still dig a rousing black peter do it pig pen do it up right swallows my shoes i’m still not understanding the shoe thing yeah so this crazy guy tries to set fire to his shoes in a plane years later we’re still taking our goddamn shoes off to go fly i mean did you see the picture of that guy see his mug shot you didn’t have to check his shoes to figure out he was crazy scary crazy all you had to do was look at his eyes the dude was totally whack if he was sitting next to me i’d run screaming down the aisle he’s the dude you don’t want to sit next to on the bus the dude that’s muttering about microwave radiation the dude wearing the tinfoil hat should have spotted him on the way to the airport geezus fucking christ great caesar’s ghost bite my dick machine swallows all my stuff except my penis i make it safely to the other side

 just follow the light

 i whispered to myself as the tee ess aa expert gate keeper making minimum wage only the best when it comes to america’s security only the best trained in five languages and three forms of martial arts and reads national enquirer religiously to make sure she is up on all the latest reports no bat boy sneaking through on her post by golly by gum just follow the light made it to the other side retrieved all my worldly possessions as they miraculously appeared from the machine’s metalrubber sphincter one at a time in the same order in which they were swallowed modern biology what will they think of next what will they think of next hit the red carpet club it’s five aa em yeah i’m through security already it’s only five aa em i’ve been up a while alarm went off at three fifty aa em stella yells at me i give her a squeeze i whisper sweet baboos into her ear she elbows me tells me to go to hell it’s three fifty in the morning for god’s sake i give it one last shot denied no harm done she won’t remember anyway lucky the the elbow didn’t land broken ribs and all my left hand it suffices it gets the job done it’s a quick shower couple of quick emails to the you kay office out the door it’s four thirty find my car forgot where i parked it oh yeah there it is it’s still dark my new york times it ain’t even here yet the chron it ain’t here yet i’m not allowed to take it anyway the times it’s mine the chron it belongs to the family kids still dig the comics hell so do i

where did pogo go i miss him so

no upgrade available end up in the exit aisle television it won’t wait it can’t wait on the phone with london hey howdy i need this i need that december thirty first end of year deadline pricing is this until end of year then it goes up i need the deal done by end of year i want the booking i want closure don’t you know television it won’t wait it can’t wait why would it wait why why why

goddamn

en pee are on the radio in the car am i getting old or what i feel like i should be driving a fucking volvo a fucking vulva amazing what a letter or two will do goddamn right i should be driving a fucking vulva driving it hard you can just call me dale earnhardt baby dale junior hell i even got the signature red leather jacket with the prerequisite budweiser ritz cracker napa auto parts logo patches just call me dale junior en pee are on the radio whatever happened to bob edwards must’ve been some big power struggle bob we hardly knew ye’ i couldn’t tell you who the new guy is maybe it’s john wayne maybe it’s brad pitt i wonder what bob edwards looks like anyway what does a voice look like i’ve lusted in my heart over a voice me and jimmy carter best president we ever had the only president who truly had let god into his heart hey dubya let me tell you that pat robertson he ain’t channeling god he’s channeling satan

oh yes virginia there is indeed a satan

and he lives in a big white house with these little concrete pillars all about gots to thwart the bombers don’t you know satan he’s a popular guy got people popping in all the time not me though every morning i get up i stretch i reach for the sky i pound my chest with my fist roman style i whisper harshly teeth clenched i declare

satan be gone

and it is so make it so number one whatever happened to bob edwards whatever happened to that tee vee show square pegs i miss muffy tepperman remember the episode when muffy had devo play at her bar mitzvah whatever happened to bo derek she had wonderful breasts never cared for the braids though if you’re going in that direction i dig the full rasta locks hit me with those soft curls baby baby baby satan be gone my heart is pure my motives pure will you lay with me in a field of clover and wildflowers and lust and love and naughty thoughts woman behind me i get up i’m in seat twenty aitch exit aisle i get up to grab my briefcase sweet sweet surprise low cut wondrousness awaits my begging eyes globes of love beneath tight christmas cotton cleavage bold i glance into her eyes i want her to know that i am appreciative i want her to know to understand to incorporate into her very essence my deep deep appreciation i will her nipples to go erect

and it is so

sweet jesus i’m going to make up a calling card get me some of that card stock with perforations that i can send through my printer make me up a little card on that card will be phatmike’s smiling mug up in the left hand corner seems the place to put such things me grinning from ear to ear in the middle of that card will be a simple quote it will read

phatmike he says he declares much appreciation for the beauty you have brought this world phatmike he says you have made the neighborhood a better place phatmike he says thanks thank you yes he does

at the bottom i will provide the address of this less than popular blog i don’t think anything else is needed i will keep several of these cards in my pocket at all times i will discretely lay down these cards one at a time and only when earned I will discretely lay down these cards each and every time it is deserved every time it is earned i will know in my heart when it is time when it has been earned i will know in my heart each time we all need an attaboy every now and then we all need to be noticed every now and then we all need a pat on the butt every now and this thing might even spread never can tell we can call it the phatmike appreciation society hell don’t even need the phatmike tag we can call it the love is all you need appreciation society

get up to grab my briefcase can’t remember the color of her eyes but i can tell you what we’re talking dee cup looking up at the sky they are their lovely selves giving praise to god two scoops of rasins in every package of kellogs rasin bran goddamn sit back down sit back down kind of difficult to sit down kind of hard to sit down know what i mean can’t help myself just can’t help myself been up since three fifty aa em shouldn’t start drinking coffee at this hour of the morning start this early can’t stop i hate it when i got to make a drug run in a strange city especially a place like baltimore named for lord baltimore i assume don’t know much about baltimore don’t know much at all i mean i still think of the colts as the baltimore colts i think of the orioles not the bird but the team which is named after the bird the bullets used to be here be there back in the wes unseld days them days long gone as are the bullets i watched homicide life on the streets when it was on it was about baltimore i watched the wire on aicth bee oh it was about baltimore neither show really put baltimore in a good light what the fuck i don’t know anything about baltimore fort mckinley of course oh say can you see rockets red glare twilights last gleaming and such warmongering phuckatash can’t help myself dee-cups staring me in the face pushes rhyme and reason right out the door

goddamn

making a drug run in a place like baltimore i mean just where do you start can’t just go to any street corner and ask the first thug you see hey baby just need a little herb a little of the holy sacrament a touch of the goddess’s bouquet it’s for medicinal purposes only mind you sweet mother of jesus sweet mother of god i just love her fresh and moist and ready to be rolled between my nimble fingers to be licked by the tip of my oh so careful tongue to be resting so so gently between my lips yes yes yes just where do you start don’t really want to go to the bad neighborhood just to find a little green love might be better to sit at the bar lean over to the bartender look both ways like i’m crossing the street no crosswalk no light with automatic countdown look both ways say psssst hey buddy where can a guy find a good time around these parts you know find some green love without the danger might be better yeah than a drug run in a strange city once a few years ago i was sitting in my hotel room i think it was in denver i was sitting on my bed watching television it can’t wait it won’t wait watching tee vee i kind of mindlessly reached over opened the drawer of the little night table between the two beds i went for two queens over the one king reached into the drawer pulled out a plum tucked into the drawer right there next to the book of mormon hey it was a marriott right there next to the book of mormon next to the holy bible rest a little wooden container inside this little wooden container was a metal one hitter spring loaded in one section in it’s own little chamber and a couple of buds of kind green love in another chamber this one not spring loaded

lo and on the seventh day god sat back looked down upon the earth from the heavens and he said smiling sunshine and warmth and uzia he said this is good i felt like someone had put a phatmike card right in front of me i felt like i had been appreciated go forth and multiply these good deeds rabbi hillel he said do unto others as you would have them do unto you everytime i’m in the airport with my man vee doing the pre-flight rasta club getting righteous with da herb in da parking lot we always take care to lay down a little leftover love on the door handle of some innocent car sometimes a roach sometimes on more generous days perhaps a third of a joint i mean taking a little sealed weedsky with you is one thing but bringing a half-smoked joint it does tend to reek the tee ess aa guys they may want to take that thang home with them not that i would mind i mean hey if that’s all it takes to make their day who am i tell me

who am i

to say otherwise lo and on the seventh day stir the pot see what we cook up who am i to say otherwise lo though i walk through the valley of death i will fear no evil father forgive us we know not what we do it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle satan be gone give us this day our daily bread who am i to say otherwise

i stand and stretch stand and stretch missus dee-cup awaiting my stare awaiting my wandering wishes kismet karma pass it on three wishes genie in a lamp love and chocolate love and banana pudding love and sweet potato pie goddamn love goes good with everything

dig

love is all you need appreciation society and all that