ramble on ramble on ramble on

saturday afternoon i'm zoning out on the couch up late the night before played a little poker played a little cards didn't win any money didn't lose any money i'm tired i went for a run down at crissy field ran beneath the great orange monster that crosses the bay autumn sun glowing on our side wall of milky fog reaching all the way up to the roadway on the other side

ships entering the bay beneath the bridge sliding out of the whiteness out of the nothingness into the somethingness

i pick up the remote control i'm doing the one eighty on my back on the couch pick up the remote wonder which of the five thousand channels will help me snooze i land on discovery times they have this series running documentary reality series these boys from arkansas national guard boys over in iraq their families back in arkansas

i watch it's a guilty pleasure i'm warm i'm comfortable i'm relatively safe i'm relatively happy my family is good i watch the war through my television screen i lay back i go aw that ain't right aw that ain't good i tear up at the right moments on cue but it's really no different from when i was a kid

watching rat patrol

dudes come careening over the sand dunes in their jeeps getting air slapping bullets against the krauts blowing up tanks killing the bad guys in the grey uniforms and the funny helmets with the spikes on top

i only know one person who is in iraq he's my cousin's kid i haven't seen him in about ten years he's like thirty years old now goddamn i don't even know if he was shaving when i last saw him he's in iraq somewhere patrolling some road my aunt tells me

i watch it's a guilty pleasure i'm comfortable i'm relatively safe nobody shooting bullets at me my kids are good nobody shooting bullets at them being iraq going down to the local recruiting station signing on the dotted line farthest thing from their mind they stay away from the rot sees at school the hitler youth we got our army outsourced it doesn't touch most of us for most of us it's just another television drama there's the telling stories the touching side stories the yes i killed the motherfucker but now it's killing my psyche kind of television the total angst of killing the enemy

now don't get me wrong i'm pretty sure at least i hope i'm right that there's plenty of angst going on there i don't know though i mean i've never killed not directly not another human being perhaps by part of that we are all men social neglect but never me against him i killed him he did not kill me no i've never i hope i remain a never i don't know if i could do it i don't know how i would react i don't know if i could pick up that rock and bang it against another man's head i guess you never can account for how you might act given whatever level of rage fear shock desperation self-preservation i guess you never know i don't know

i can't envision it i can't reach down there and find that

i watch it's a guilty pleasure i got that rather idyllic thing going on right now

so this show though it's a digital window i'm watching this documentary i can't tell which way it's spun follows these four soldiers from arkansas these four soldiers deployed in iraq their families back in arkansas there's this one scene these four soldiers from arkansas go to church it's the base chapel in iraq the families back in arkansas they go to church the local catholic church the base chaplain he stands up he gives his talk to these guys these guys are there they are wearing firearms they are in fatigues he is telling these soldiers that when they kill their enemy they must not hate them they must not kill out of hatred they kill only because they must

they kill only because they must

back home the families they drive to church they talk on the camera they say that they hate their husbands sons wives daughters brothers sisters being over there but they think we should be there they think this is important they just want their babies back it's hard to argue with such loving loyal support the priest back home in arkansas he leads a prayer to return the sons of the land safely and victoriously as they fight in your name lord

none of these people are asking why we're really there none of these people are asking looking to mister cheney mister rumsfeld asking so if this thing this little skirmish over here is so goddamned important why don't you send your own goddamn wife husband son daughter uncle aunt brother sister none of them are asking

i guess i'm not doing much about it though i'm just kicking back here on the couch watching this documentary watching the war just like i would the ballgame

hey thanks guys thanks for giving me something to do on a saturday afternoon

i guess i'm not doing much about it i guess i should get up off my ass and do something about it i guess i should do something the thing is the thing is i just don't know what to do i feel so fucking helpless about this whole thing i guess if i just try to ignore it maybe if i pretend it isn't there maybe if i pretend that it's not real it's just a television show maybe if i just ignore it it will go away it will just not be there

it will be just something over there

kind of like hunter's point here in san francisco kind of like those neighborhoods richmond vallejo oakland like we see on television the ones where television strongly suggests through innuendo sirens dead people on brightly lit videos striking field reporters on the scene strongly suggest that we stay in and watch these dangerous places on television don't get out and visit these hoods they're too dangerous to visit in real life

those places they are pretend places too

new orleans was pretend right we don't really treat people that way in our country that was just good television right

yeah what the fuck good television

television kills only because they must it does not kill out of hatred quite the contrary they love the ones they kill they love each and every one of them they have a lot of room for love too they like them big numbers they like it when the preacherman gets up there in his finest garment in the middle of the desert stands before his uniformed flock tells them not to kill out of hatred kill only because they must

it must be really reassuring to hear your chosen man in robes representing the god of your choice telling you that god will forgive you for killing if you must which kind of implies that if god is willing to let you know ahead of time that you will be forgiven for killing then god is giving you his approval to kill

and he's got his guy in robes standing right up there telling you so

i'm still waiting for someone to explain to me just how this is different from the other guys i'm slow i know i just can't figure it out i just can't understand i mean there must be a rational explanation i mean we would not be doing it if it were the same thing i mean we're just not that way right

right

yeah what the fuck it's all pretend anyway

my idyllic life and all that

tom says taking his marlboros in the soft pack tapping them on the table he says a practiced flick of the wrist sending a single cigarette up to his puckered lips he says dammit ben you shoulda seen it right there in the goddamn ditch i'd be lying if i said it wont stuck hood down in about four feet of water four dead niggers inna little bitty old toyota goddamn went right off the bend there skid marks coming round and up and over and into that motherfucking ditch

got-damn i mean got-amighty-damn

musta just broke their dark fuckin necks

we are sitting around the dining room a dimly lit adjunct to the living room not really a room more just place an area a space that happens to be on the way to the kitchen from the living room we're in the dining room sitting around a pool table made into a table with a piece of plywood and a waxy vinyl checkerboard tablecloth

dull yellow glow emanates from the plastic pseudo-tiffany-but-probably-taken-from-a-pool-hall-or-bought-with-ess-and-aitch-green-stamps-overhead-lamp hanging right over the middle the cord twists through a bronze-colored plastic chain in great drooping bows supported by these chipped gold-painted ornate tin hooks and a little bit of fishing line reaching over to the wall outlet near the corner look hard look hard you can make out the intricate woven pattern of the budweiser logo intertwined with swirlies of the infamous clydesdales

my cousin ben sitting at one end of the table then going clockwise ticking flicking like cards being dealt at the poker table my brother dave my cousin's ben's cousin tom then me my cousin robbie is laid out on the couch in the living room part of this part of the house the living room space i guess it's more of a den what they might call a great room steve he perches on a bar stool like some damn tick-bird sitting on a cow's ass in the middle of a wet field bending over every now and then pecking some insect love out of the thick hide looking around smiling grinning truth be told smiling every now and then leaning over to smirk make some comment or another

dave my brother dave he looks over my way puts his finger to his nose not into his nose but aside his nose our little signal picked up way back way back when we were chirruns running round barefoot tanned and not giving a shit back when we went to em why eff meetings back when we took an em why eff special outing to go see the sting starring paul newman robert redford bottle of wild turkey sitting in the middle of the table half empty half full depending on how you looked at it bottle of wild turkey with some whiskey in it sitting next to a bottle of wild turkey empty

tom continues

just one big ol' spot of blood on each a two of 'em right on their flat ol' heads right where they popped into the windshield the two in back they was all scrunched up barely a bit of blood on 'em looked like they just snapped their necks like some scrawny chicken's neck all buckled up in those harnesses like good citizens man it was just

butt ugly

ruint my whole entire evenin shit i had ta stay out there all damn night while's they got a truck out there to pull that sonnabitch jap car out th' damn ditch then they had to cut them niggers out a the car and get them all photographed and searched and tagged and bagged up all damn night

for a carload of got-damned niggers

ben he asks lighting a marlboro light with a silver engraved zippo lighter confederate flag on one side his initials engraved on the other he asks they been drinkin and tom he says shifting in his seat and cocking his head a little looking down at you real smart lie he says shit they's niggers ain't they

i reach out take the bottle pour myself a couple fingers in my glass hold it up salute dave smiles that rueful grin he does slowly shaking his head he holds up his glass salute welcome home brother i say start to say before pausing to sip from the glass i say

thanks

see my uncle ben he died he had died three days before we sent him off today we're drinking tonight we drank last night i arrived about ten o'clock i landed in atlanta around five thirty but by the time i got my rental car stopped for a quick barbecue sandwich north carolina style with cole slaw and hot sauce outside two eighty-five drove on down to cuthbert that's cuthbert georgia it's almost alabama down to cuthbert tucked away in one of those little forgotten pockets of rural southwest georgia population around three thousand

twenty years ago that population it had peaked around four thousand

uncle ben had built the house we where we sat built it for my cousin ben junior that was after he had already built him one behind his house the big house on the road near the square now ben he lives out of town i guess you might call it the cuthbert suburbs he lives out here on a lake uncle ben he built this house too ben junior he and debbie they live out here on the lake in the house that uncle ben had built

he built the deck he built the dock he put in central air conditioning he put in the ceiling fans in each room

ben he says wiping at his eye taking the cigarette out of his mouth holding it out in front of him like it was the smoke that got to his eye ben he says daddy sure liked that bend in the creek said it was his favorite place in the whole wide world when he was growing up out there turtle bend he called it cause all a th' snappin' turtles used to hang out there

yeah

sure was pretty

beautiful day to boot

steve he says where them niggers from tom they local boys

naw they's some of them eufalla niggers alabama plates probably lookin' for some south georgia poon

ben sort of leans back he says the cigarette now back in his mouth hanging off his lip all andy capp like he says how is it you got stuck out there ben says his elbows and crossed arms peeling off the tablecloth lie a sticky bandaid he says thought you was the senior guy how come you had to be there

hell a couple of troopers did eventually show up and johnny faircloth he sent a couple of deputies so the cap'n had me stay out there and sort of referee and figger out where to send 'em ended up gettin' the nigger funeral home out in coleman come and pick 'em up

steve he says slow like ever other nigger huh steve he laughs

tom just nods while he sips at the last bit of turkey in his glass putting the glass firmly onto the table not slamming it just solid enough a good thump echoes a bit he tom he looks sideways at steve with a grin

then no one talks for a while we just sit with a bunch of nothing we got a silence going on that ain't nothing it's only kind of silent i guess kind of not little distractions occasionally squeak by getting clear and more clear as if notice drives fidelity like fiddling with the fine tuning on the radio to bring it on home

little sounds steady the soft thumping of the ceiling fan in the living room someone steadily beating a feather pillow with a long handled wooden spoon periodic random snores arising from the couch the crickets chirp like it is henry fonda pastoral on golden pond kind of movie jesus fucing christ i sniff another sinus issue to fucking deal with

debbie ben's wife debbie she flits about cleaning out the ashtrays wiping them out with damp handi-wipe takes tom's beer can the top covered in ash faint wisps of smoke drifting lazily from the opening gives him a clean ashtray that's debbie that's what she does she says here baby use this

tom moons a drunken smile

uncle ben he used to treat debbie like the hired help worse called her ben junior's yanee wife which in and among itself wasn't so bad seeing as how she really was from ohio but said it in such a way that only an old lovable redneck could say it nice as can be soft around the edges but carrying a mean punch

debbie she didn't pay him no mind no attention waited on him hand and foot complained incessantly about it in a laughing nervous loving way waited on uncle ben all right on ben junior too of course worked full time at this auto parts store managed uncle ben's store when she had the chance ran it full time while he was sick

uncle ben he'd curse her from his bed saying to anyone who'd listen to tell that damn yankee wife of ben junior's to make sure she rememberd to lock up behind her to make sure she had that damn dog with her when she walked out to her car with his money

he loved her to death and she loved him to death big hearted love he loved her like he carried the burden of love for his family big responsibility an honorable thing

ben looks at the bottle on the table picks it up holds it to the light he says daddy told us a story one night

remember michael

daddy told us a story one christmas eve about him growing up in fort gaines sitting right there on that couch that couch in the living room of the green house remember the green house across the street from the high school seems he was headed out one night went by the store bought hisself a pint of liquor from under the counter and a bottle of hair tonic set both on the car seat on the passenger side each in their own paper bag

i smile i say yeah he was right lit up that night all right sitting in between you and johnny layfield his arms around both of you i always impress myself the way i so easily slip back into that accent my wife stella she says i can't even fakce a good accent out there in california but for some reason whenever i go home it just sort of comes back i thought i'd bust a gut he was so funny he poured us all whisky sours that night i thought momma and aunt nette were going to kill him

ben snorts a bit of turkey out his nostrils he laughs he says damn that burns wipes his mouth and lips with the back of his hand he says coughing once then twice he says he and a couple of good ol' boys hooked up tied one on up and down the road from fort gaines to blakely and back stopping in every little pool hall and dive along the way got in a fight over some girls last he remembers didn't even remember who won the damn fight even but he woke up the next morning behind the wheel of his car nursing a black eye finding both bottles the pint of liquor the bottle of hair toic both bottle empty

we all laugh mister ben he was somethin' all right

we drank last night too sitting around a table on the side porch late spring night bug light crackling every now and then whenever it managed to seduce some errant flying creature alluring its helpless victims like some sort of ultraviolet vamp the glow of cigarettes bobbing in the dark yeah michael says tom he says we was already drunk but might as well get drunk again seeing as how uncle ben's dead and you ain't drunk yet

tom stood up leaned unsteadily against the wrought iron post that supported not only his weight but some of the roof's as well tom is a big man country style we all looked nervously as the flimsy structure rattled a bit but calmed just as quickly as my cousin pam ben's sister she came out through the screen door

we went to the church this morning i sat up front with ben and robbie and johnny layfield and dave and frankie horst and tom all of us cousins except tom who is just ben's and rob's cousin baptist church with air conditioning a number of black people in the back half of them probably owed uncle ben money credit he gave them at his store not many of them sitting probably only thelma she used to cook and clean for aunt nette until she got too old sometimes coming back to cook me biscuits and cornbread when i came into town you miss hazel's boy i sho did like miss hazel she so pretty and nice thelma goin' to cook you somethin' good now

not much of a touching funeral uncle ben he didn't make a habit of going to church the preacher made it pretty clear pretty obvious that he didn't much know uncle ben so it kind of spun down into a bit of fire and brimstone talking about the devil and darkness it started to rain during the sermon yes that damn preacher he couldn't pass up the chance to preach knowing he had a crowd of doubters and wanderers captured in their seats right when the preacher made some comment about uncle ben being a church going man thunder it cracked loudly rattling the roof the windows of god's house

when we left the church the sun was out smelled like spring the humidity had a bit of crispness that swiftly melts away come summertime the casket barely stressed us the six of us carrying it rather effortlessly slid right into the back of the hearse mister george the funeral man he came by he said well ben we're going to rush right on over to albany and perform the cremation now be back with the ashes in about three hours you oh kay with that

ben he nodded

the pentagon announced today the pentagon whispered today the pentagon suggested today that we crossed the two thousand threshold that's two thousand soldiers that have bravely given their lives that have valiantly laid down their lives that have purposefully and willfully and selflessly placed themselves in front of bullets bombs and other instruments of

whacking

the pentagon announced today that staff sergeant george alexander junior thirty-four of killeen texas died at brooke army medical center in texas on saturday of injuries sustained october seventeen in samarra iraq when a bomb planted by insurgents detonated near his bradley fighting vehicle

number two thousand

quite an achievement

carol merril what do we have as a parting gift for our dearly departed carol merril what can we offer him is there something behind door number one door number two oh baby give me that little shake of the hip that swing of the arms into that lovely framing of a gift for the cameras carol merril can you frame the president's words our glorious commander in chief he is offering up words he is offering up a couple of sentences he says that we americans will need to

sacrifice

more in order to complete the mission in order to defeat an enemy as brutal an enemy as we have ever faced yes they are yes indeed thank you mister president thank you indeed i wonder i just wonder i really do wonder what kind of

sacrifice

are you making mister president when are you going to offer up your daughters i bet those cute gorgeous twins of yours would look mighty fine in combat fatigues especially if you get them those designer fatigues that fit really tight around those finely sculpted presidential daughter ta ta's i imagine that they might unbutton a couple of the top buttons show off a little presidential cleavage they might unbutton a couple of those bottom buttons tie the shirt ends in a tight little knot beneath the tits show off that presidential belly button did they

sacrifice

and have said navels pierced with a presidential tie pin quite an achievement quite an achievement yessirree bob yessirree barbara lovey dovey you could make posters a la tanya like when then that sweet little hearst heiress decided to go all symbionese on us then will you say then will you announce that

the war will require more sacrifice more time and more resolve we got to lay the foundation of peace by spreading freedom

now i ask you mister president just what the fuck does spreading freedom just what the fuck does that mean mister president is that like

peace with honor

will you send your daughters up to the front line will you offer up your own flesh and blood will you say to your girls now children i cannot shirk my responsibilities i cannot justifiably ask the mommas and the poppas of this great and mighty country to

sacrifice

their children their babies their own flesh and blood without offering up my own i mean what kind of man would i be if i did something like that how could i say to the people of this great nation of this great land of this noble culture how could i say to them

this is a cause worth fighting for

if i am not willing to send my own to give my own so off to iraq you must go it's for your own good it'll make a real man out of you or maybe a real woman who the hell knows all i know is i don't have karl rove around to help me out with this shit and so i must think for myself that's a difficult thing to do it's all so confusing my poll numbers are going down i got to do something i don't think we can really go invade syria iran north korea wherever so you girls need to step up you girls need to help out you've had a good ride up until now it's your turn to

sacrifice

more time more sacrifice more resolve

mister mister president please i beseech you please please tell me why all these babies got to die please please tell me why we need to sacrifice tell me why we need more time more time for what more resolve for what please please tell me why mister president

two thousand you ess soldiers dead fifteen thousand you ess soldiers wounded thousands upon thousands upon thousands of iraqi people dead maimed hungry jobless homeless have you no shame mister president have you no shame

two thousand is such a nice number maybe it's enough eh maybe it's time to stop maybe we can just take our ball and go home maybe it's enough

two thousand spreading freedom peace with honor fuck you mister president and all that

me and cuda we stood at the edge of the water thunderous waves breaking and breaking and breaking the spray and fog so thick the horizon appeared or rather didn't appear a smudge instead the goddess had taken her big pink eraser rubbed out the edges me and cuda our eyes followed the water out into the nothingness we stared into the nothingness

we stared into ourselves

me and cuda walked the beach that's what we do walked the beach foot of fort funston walked down the rope ladder that wound down below the hang glider cliff where the hang gliders launch themselve out into the nothingness thermals vertical thermals horizontal

walking south on the beach beautiful horse gorgeous chestnut horse large proud i think he was a gelding what the fuck do i know but i impressed even myself with that little tidbit of faux knowledge beautiful chestnut horse beautiful woman riding clutching tightly with her legs bareback not her the horse she the woman she wore her jeans tight she wore her sweatshirt tight one of those cute down horse riding vests

worn cowboy boots graced her feet calves

she wore her hair long and curly hair like stella's rode that horse an image right out of a tampax commercial hair floating in the wind galloping across the beach horse splashing in the waves

dead sea lion well part of a sea lion on the beach washed up just a hide really a semi-tanned sea salt tanned and stiff no meat no head leathery flippers sort of present bones not quite a skeleton still attached from a distance of ten feet it a larger than life three dee photo of some surreal sukkot dinner or rather after dinner or rather after an eskimo sukkot dinner

i yelled at cuda as she rolled in it in and atop the sea lion carcass

stupid fucking dog

walk further down the beach all sorts of alien beach shit strewn about bit storm up north sent twenty thirty foot swells down the coast

like a big fucking broom

coconuts on the beach

where the fuck did they come from logs timber crab shells with no crab tons of long tubular bulbuous ending sea weed sitting in twisted piles so many plates of spaghetti scattered savory across the beach

stood on a rock with the waves breaking around stretched reached for the sky did my phatman pseudo yoga moves it ain't pretty but i don't care it feels good feels good feels good

breathe

walk back up the beach two crows sit atop the dead sea lion what's left of the dead sea lion which i assume lived a life was born died ascended into heaven two crows sit atop the dead sea lion surrounded by five or six timid yet opportunistic sea gulls all squawking the crows just standing there staring them down

cuda charges forward the gulls fly away but the crows just stand there they're pretty fucking big i mean not as big as a hundred and five pound rotty but pretty fucking intimidating nonetheless

cuda stops ten feet away cuda lay in wait all predator like growling holding her ground the crows just stare at her after almost sixty ninety seconds longer than i can hold my breath one of the crows spreads its wings wide as wide as cuda is long arched its chest forward

cuda didn't move either

very hitchcock

i got bored with the mexican standoff the good cuda the bad crow the ugly yours truly i whistled i threw the tennis ball out into the water cuda ran on dove through a wave the crows flew away

me and cuda we ascended the rope ladder not quite into heaven

erasing the edges and all that

jesus stands tall on the mountain the wind whipping his holy robes the romans whipping his bare back he screams his silent scream satan stands beside him oh my oh my

the preacherman our preacherman his parsonage right down the road from our house the next house down pine road i lived on the corner of oak lane and pine road our preacherman he lived on pine road our preacherman he stood tall on sunday morning his wife she led the children's choir

she had me do a duet with craddock shields one time we stood up there in the choir loft in our choir robes we sang in our ten year old voices he walks through the garden alone he walks with me and he talks with me and he tells me i am his own yeah something like that

sometimes i dream of walking through that garden sometimes i dream i'm walking and talking with jesus in the garden sometimes on bad nights judas bursts into our private conversation bursts in with this band of roman soldiers all clad in ben hur type gladiator ware i'm not dreaming of the garden tonight

i'm dreaming of water

the air is stale in here in this room in this space the air is stale i can't breathe i can't breathe too well here i can't breath too well here in this bedroom the bedroom that is not my bedroom my head on a pillow that is not my pillow a feather pillow an ancient feather pillow i can't sleep on a feather pillow the feathers leak out tiny tiny feathers seep into the air the stale air i can't breathe with the feathers in the stale air these feathers float about float about float about like love

i've always had asthma my momma told me that i always had asthma

they never let me use a feather pillow at home this is grandma's house all grandma has are feather pillows old feather pillows

the air is stale i'm a little afraid the room is not familiar this room that is not my room it's not familiar the darkness it's a different kind of darkness not the same kind of darkness that i have at home different shadows different corners with different stuff different shapes on the walls

another world a familiar foreign world shadow dancing on the walls

it's been raining it's a loud rain i count every single drop they bang crash explode onto the roof of this old house with the different room with the different shapes on the wall with this strange sort of darkness

a tin roof my momma comes into the room to tell me she wears her nightgown with that little bathrobe i guess it must be late she says my momma she says water on a tin roof makes a lot of noise if it makes so much noise why did grandma put a tin roof on her house i ask she just did momma says she just did that's all now go back to sleep

i can't

it's still raining the noise is so loud cacophonous a bugs bunny cartoon of booms and bangs

thunderous like jesus himself chasing the money changers out of the temple their feet slapping stone floor golden coins offerings being prepared for the altar pigeons priests people scattering all over all about tables overturning such love such hatred flowing bursting i pray to this jesus i pray for redemption oh sweet savior save me from what is to come from what is to be and

the air it's stale

i can't sleep on this pillow momma why can't we just go home you can sit on the side of the bed my bed scratch my back while i go to sleep why can't we just go home momma it's hard to breathe the air it's stale it's suffocating stifling please momma let's just go home

my eyes close i'm under water i can breathe the water it's so thick so syrupy thick the water is so thick in my lungs i can't squeeze enough air out of it not enough to not think about breathing i have to think about breathing just focus on breathing this breathing it takes my thoughts away breathing takes over everything no time to think about anything but breathing one breath at a time if i can just focus on breathing then i can somehow float to the surface of this lake find some good air

breathe

no fighting the water no use fighting the water i've been in this lake many times i don't fight the water any more i just think about breathing nothing but breathing slow in slow out just think about breathing eventually momma she comes she always comes she comes back in did she ever leave she never leaves she reaches down into the water gently pulls me out she pulls me out i wake up

it's the way

i wake up she gives me that nasty yellow syrup that sickly sweet thick yellow syrup i hate that yellow syrup but momma tells me to please take the yellow syrup momma is tired but she is not wet i don't know how she reached into the water to pull me out and not get wet she's wonderful my momma

she sits beside me on the bed that is not mine she scratches my back soft slow tells me it's oh kay it's oh kay it's oh kay it's oh kay

the darkness fades to light my momma she ain't there momma she's gone it's hot sticky hot south georgia morning sticky hot morning after summer rainstorm sticky hot the white cotton sheet is damp all twisted up and sticking to me

the shadows are gone bacon is frying somewhere i know it's grandma's bacon thick chewy country bacon not like we get in the store this salty country bacon with lots of thick chewy fat meaty bacon not crispy

the room is bare walls clean walls white a mattress on a set of box springs on a metal frame sheets white an old bookshelf in the corner with a stack of reader's digests piled high a nightstand with a lamp

used to be a back porch the room now it's the spare bedroom used to be a back porch the screen door swinging on its hinges the screen door leads out to the open carport and the backyard it opens as i'm starting to get up in walks aunt nette she says hefting up a grocery bag half full of field peas to be shelled she says well hello michael how's my favorite nephew this morning we were wondering when you were going to be getting yourself out and about your cousin robbie he's looking for you you know

i jump up and run to the door not saying a word look out look outside poke my head out and look for robbie i don't see him i just see a couple of grandma's dogs lounging in the dusty red clay dirt that is the driveway it's early but the humidity already is bending the morning light making things all wavy making me a little dizzy the old pecan tree sits still as god himself tall and ancient not a leaf moving the gnarly bark stretched loosely over its grand trunk its branches reaching out and over as if to slap the young magnolia that cowers in her corner of the yard pretty with her white blossoms pretty but with obvious submission to the pecan

oh he's not out back honey my aunt nette says looking back over her shoulder as she goes on into the house he had to go help your uncle ben with something he'll be back after breakfast

i shrug walk to the bathroom i need to pee

 

forgive me lord for i know not what i eat

five of us go to dinner one of us me from the good old you ess of aa one of us from israel but living in the you ess of aa one of us from shanghai but living in the you ess of aa and two of us from hangzhou and living in hangzhou the gentlemen from hangzhou they don't speak english

well at least not enough to get my jokes

all of us all five of us we're in hong kong we're in hong kong not to be confused with honky tonk we're all in hong kong together along with several million others most of whom were born with although not necessarily sporting most of whom were born with jet black hair not unlike jet li's hair

a tall blonde honky walks by she stands out

i ask the concierge i say to the concierge so i got these guys coming over from hangzhou can you recommend a restaurant let's go conservative better make it shanghai style the concierge he hooks me up with a restaurant over in the world trade center on gloucester road

ain't i something the way i can throw these street names around like i know what the fuck i'm talking about

over on gloucester road across the street from the afternoon gun which they just happened to fire off at twelve noon while i was sitting here in my hotel room the afternoon gun being some fucked up ritual not really a gun it's a fucking cannon some dude in a uniform looks naval he walks up i think by god that he's pulled a string just like

bugs bunny

might do when he's got that cannon shoved right up elmer fudd's butt scared the living hell out of me scared the demons of love dance tap tap tap on my heart

afternoon of meetings showing off television shit hey who needs the open internet we can give you a walled garden of captured politically correct television no falun gong shenanigans going on if you don't want them to reminds me the lewis lapham editorial in this month's harper's weekly says america is becoming the best at something again too bad that something is fascism to note

don't need no book burnings when you simply refuse to educate the masses don't need to get rid of the bourgeoisie when they are rewarded and complicit don't need to have people owned by the state when they are willingly owned by corporations with no soul nor rhythm don't need to control the media when they too are corporations shit america we got this fascism down we got it down good

afternoon meetings showing off television shit moving on to dinner walk down the road to the restaurant the staff doesn't really speak english or at least they don't acknowledge english that's oh kay i got my posse with me we sit down one of the guys from hangzhou orders for us they bring us appetizers pretty harmless soy beans and chili paste a little kim chee looking dish they pour glasses of this funky sweet combo peach and some tuberous root that my guys say has no english translation they show me some floating in the bottom of this pitcher

looks like a potato

but served hot it's fucking delicious i finish my glass they pour me another they bring us a bottle of chines rice brandy and some dried plums to float in the steaming saki like liquid a guy walks up with a large fish flopping sloppily flopping flipping wet on a large silver platter my guy looks at it nods sternly fish guy walks off

dead fish walking

the food starts to appear on the table starts off the challenges appear immediately a crispy jelly fish and cucumber salad i'm not intimidated though i dig in the jelly fish is a little crunchy a little well jelly like not too bad with enough chili paste next we go more easily a little sauteed squid in some funky lobster looking sauce i eat it pretty fucking good some fungus and tofu in some funky brown sauce i eat it pretty fucking good then something that one of the guys called smelly tofu comes out i eat some what the fuck i have to admit it ain't my favorite hell i'll try anything once we're talking about a cracker that's eaten opossum and lizard this smelly tofu though it's quite funky hell even one of the shanghai duo won't eat this thing

fucking pussy

the fish revisits the table but this time floating in a tureen of soup and rice noodles looks like he didn't make it the motherfucker gave his life for a good cause i mean i dig him the rest of him joins the table just his head and tail i eat the cheeks goddamn it's good i'm offered an eyeball what the fuck i'll try anything with a little chili paste and mustard down the hatch best have another little glass of this chinese brandy

got no kind green bud don't you know chinese customs fear of prison with prison guards that want to fuck you with pencil dicks i drink the brandy my body clock ain't right i adapt for my drug of choice

another fish the other one's brother perhaps i don't know we weren't properly introduced i feel rather guilty eating the motherfucker without such formalities it's soaked in some sort of black bean sauce after digging around a bit i realize it's the head only the head on my plate place of honor i guess

i don't let 'em down

i'm the glorified honky sticky rice wrapped in banana leaf around beef rib it's pretty good finish up with the only thing i really recognize some sort of fried potsticker

we talk we laugh they start to laugh at my jokes even though they don't know what the fuck i'm talking about at first they extol the virtues of mainland china economic growth everyone working hard moral turpitude basic bullshit that you get from anyone no matter where they're from hell everyone has a right to dig the place they live we talk about our kids it's the same one of them as a daughter the same age as my one and only daughter they are looking at colleges they want her to go to school near home she wants to travel

kids are the same love is the same

we talk about the pressures of day to day life how things used to be easier even for them they reminisce just like i do i wonder about all the horror stories of the days of mao the days of the gang of four i'm sure they're true stories i assume they're true stories but i only assume we're all entitled to go all nostalgic

a beautiful woman walks by we all turn heads we're all men are we not men we are devo we're all flesh and blood i do the rodney king thing in my head just wonder why we can't all get along then i remember why my uncle ben he wouldn't have eaten this food stella's kosher aunts and uncles they wouldn't have eaten this food

oh yeah i guess we just dig too much on the differences makes it easier listen to my preaching ass i have no right to preach i'm as racist as the next guy but i think i respect pussy of any color it's all pink on the inside my granddaddy used to say

we finish our dinner we bow say our goodbye's they invite me to visit them in hangzhou i guess i need to go to hangzhou i'll visit them in hangzhou i return to my hotel my partner and i we walk around hong kong major shopping district he buys a cell phone pretty cheap i buy a malted soy milk

it's even cheaper

we walk around rubbing elbows with the rich and poor sidewalks packed we walk around until midnight we could walk forever

but we don't

smelly tofu and all that

i'm a ball on the roulette wheel of time

landed in the slot called hong kong last night but it was only last night here in hong kong my body it said differently sometime after midnight that same day somewhere over the pacific i lost most of a day who took my day what will they do with it will it be the same when i get it back on the way home

i sit in my hotel room it is five aa em i'm wide awake i'm up i know this is the killer day i need to make it through dinner that's an eternity away from now that's a run along the water in victoria park a breakfast meeting and two afternoon meetings from now

from now

outside this little square of eloquent walls the living keep on living keep on going well into the night my window faces the harbor thirty floors above the street i turn on my television the living seep on up seeping through to greet me through the voices in the hallway itinerant travelers like myself who cannot sleep voices on the street bouncing up through the buildings from thirty floors below

earlier i walked through these streets not wandering far at midnight hong kong midnight the streets were lit bright as day the throngs of people out shopping bags stuffed with the spoils of fervent buying packed the sidewalks i am amazed these are not partiers as one might find on some packed street in manhattan no these are people simply out

living

and i walk among them wearing my ratty pair of jeans my smelly you see santa barbara sweatshirt the same things i wore on the plane ride of a thousand hours they are no more nattily dressed some are some aren't it's a regular city in that respect it just dwarfs anything i've really ever seen

landed at the airport in hong kong whisked through customs like i was arriving in denver they didn't seem to care the customs guy barely glanced at me or any of the others before me passport open stamp stamp passport folded returned on my way quick trip to the aa tea em for local currency hop on the express train to hong kong station catch a bus to my hotel the bus winds through the metropolis

i am numb with sensory overload

we circle about stopping at three hotels before i get to mine of course you could tell that it was dark the cars had their lights on but the fluorescent and neon blighted out even the edges of darkness the sidewalks packed stores doing a brisk business christmas in july

i am numb with exhaustion

dinner in the hotel with an associate who flew in the day before basic chinese faire i'm sure adjusted to the tastes of visiting westerners but who knows it's the same food i have in san francisco is the world that small we discuss the next day's meetings we go over the technology demonstration we discuss the return trip

i'm in i'm out within thirty-six hours that's twelve hours on the plane thirty-six hours in hong kong twelve hours on the plane home

after dinner i take a walk don't wander far i'm too exhausted for exploration i'm too exhausted to get off the beaten path not that i would even know where to start to find the beaten path as i walk i seem to be the only westerner but i know that's not true i duck into a pub and it all changes all the patrons are westerners with only the waitstaff and bartenders asian i am taken aback by a chinese guy expertly pouring a guinesse

i leave having no interest in being isolated with those of my own ilk funny accents though they may have i return to the street i feel more comfortable being numb on the streets it's midnight the gucci store is open the high-end bathroom fixture store is open prada is open there is money in this city and it never sleeps

i am numb with awe

there is no jesus standing on the corner on his soapbox in the corner

this is our blade runner future and there is nothing that we can do about it

numb exhaustion time fate jesus and all that

 

 

the preacherman he do tell us he do tell us all the little time he do tell us children of god children of the field he do tell us he say jesus loves me and he loves you and he loves all the little children in the world red and yellow and black and white they are precious in his sight my daddy he say hey that's nice that preacherman he never had to ride with my daddy in the car for all these hours my daddy

likes to get there

he likes to put a move on he don't like to stop at all he likes to find himself a pack of fast moving cars he likes to join in he likes to drive far and fast he likes to listen to dubya ess bee out of atlanta seven fifty on your aa em dial he likes to listen to the braves games on the radio he yells at the pitiful braves damn niggers need to hit the ball that's all just got to hit the ball he yells at jesus and god and all the other drivers as we move down the road there is no interstate once you get below atlanta and start heading for cuthbert it's all two-lane blacktop and there is usually a double- or single-yellow line going down the middle

there ain't no mountains

but there are big hills and there are deep valleys the road winds up and over and in between following the road through towns with names like newnan and thomaston most with new strip malls sitting on their ragged edges old farm houses sitting amidst their crops livestock scattered about in groups of ten twelve pigs cows goats sheep whatever dogs coming out of nowhere running up and at the car defending their little patch of grass their little scrub of woods every now and then a dead dog head snapped back into a pool of blood lay on the road's shoulder old gas stations sitting at crossroads an old swinging screen door flapping this way and that motels with old rusty air conditioners sitting in the room windows and

between all of this

rows and rows and rows of pine trees the road just another row when you look out the window of the car stare into the pine trees you realize they all stand there like some sort of assembly like a bunch of soldiers wearing camouflage swaying slightly in the soft breeze knowing like all soldiers that it's only a matter of time before they head off to slaughter they're all in rows my daddy says they're all lined up that way to make it easier to cut them down i ask my daddy if

uncle frank planted them this way since uncle frank takes his truck out into the woods and he chops down trees for a living and my daddy says that uncle frank he just cuts them he don't plant them some big company comes in and plants them some big name company like georgia pacific comes in and plants them i ask my daddy if

uncle frank ever thought about planting them and not cutting them and my daddy says the only thing my uncle frank thought about planting were the young things he sees at the bar later in the day

my momma slapps my daddy on his arm he jumps in his seat a little and laughs

she says getting a little sassy she says aubrey watch your mouth around the children you know i don't like to hear about frank and his doggin' ways when he's out of sight of my sister my brother yells something out the window just yells the wind and trees kick it back into a vocal staccato i think it's a fun thing to do so i yell something out the window momma turns around in the seat and tells me not to do it anymore and i say what about dave why can dave do it and before she can say anything to me daddy looks into the rearview mirror and tells me to listen to my momma so i do i don't yell out the window any more but

i punch my brother in the arm

my brother yells my daddy looks back into the rearview mirror asks me if i want him to stop and cut a switch i tell him no that's all right he don't have to bother i don't want him to stop he looks back out the front window at all the pine trees

a black man rides his mule down the shoulder of the road they are moving very slowly very very slowly i wonder aloud how he might go a little faster if he had a car instead of that old mule why he doesn't have a car because we've been driving forever and forever and forever and if we're taking this long how long will it take him on that old mule momma says we all can't be so fortunate to own cars have air conditioning daddy just nods we've been driving a very long time

granddaddy used to have a mule i remember riding his mule don't know why granddaddy don't have a mule anymore don't remember when granddaddy had the mule don't remember when granddaddy got rid of the mule i don't think granddaddy ever rode the mule down the road

but i don't know he's old he might have done a lot of things

my granddaddy he joined the circus when he was a boy he grew up in mcintyre georgia up in the hills he joined the circus he used to walk the slack wire and juggle my grandma she come from proper folks she grew up in lower alabama some folks called it ell aa right down below dothan her momma my great-grandmamma she was a radical used to ride a horse with pants on they were the first family in the county to own a car my great-grandmamma she used to drive all over the county

wearing pants

the circus came through town my grandmamma she said that they were at a corn husking her brother played fiddle people danced and shucked corn my granddaddy he and a couple of the circus people they came by they wanted to dance my granddaddy he asked my grandmamma to dance she danced with him the circus stayed in town a while then the circus left

my grandmamma she left with the circus

to hear my grandmamma tell it my great-grandmamma got pretty upset but my grandmamma she said she fell in love with john wiley jay dubya i guess she did my momma she says that if that circus ain't never come through dothan that year if uncle thomas ain't played fiddle that night my momma she says that uncle thomas could make that fiddle sing make your feet move bring tears to your eyes if my great-uncle thomas if he ain't been gifted like he was my momma says that if that circus ain't never come into town

i might not be here

the only time i ever saw my grandmamma cry i was sitting on the floor of the living room playing with my matchbox cars pushing them this way that way the phone rang she answered the phone i looked up as she stood at the window over the kitchen sink

yeah-lo she said

then her arm went down to the counter she shook a bit i didn't want to look right at her i kind of looked at her out of the corner of my eye i was afraid to look right at her she sobbed loud sob i kind of whispered you oh kay grandma she didn't say anything i yelled for my momma i yelled momma come quick something's wrong with grandma my momma came running in through the screen door saw grandma standing by the sink crying the phone dropped to the counter she said my momma she said what's wrong mother my grandma she said

thomas died

we started way up in virginia halifax virginia uncle ben calls it a little buttfuck tobacco town it's got eight hundred people that's what the green sign at the town line says it says halifax incorporated city limits population eight hundred thirteen but i've never seen them all i've never counted them i don't know where it is really it's in virginia it's in the piedmont my teachers tell me i think piedmont is a word that means it ain't in the mountains it ain't near the ocean it's the piedmont

it's the t'ain't of the land

my town halifax it voted for richard millhouse nixon in nineteen sixty-eight my town halifax it voted for richard millhouse nixon in nineteen seventy-two pretty much tells you where it is the preacher at my church a young man just out of seminary school a graduate of duke divinity school a young man out to set his mark on the united methodist community he gave a sermon one october sunday morning in nineteen seventy-two he told us that richard millhouse nixon was evil that he was killing little babies in places like vietnam and cambodia and laos the preacher at my church he wasn't the preacher at my church the next week pretty much tells you where halifax virginia is pretty much tells you where it is

it's not cuthbert because that's where grandma lives grandma aunt mary ann uncle frank aunt catherine uncle beaky cuthbert voted for wallace in nineteen sixty-eight that pretty much tells you where cuthbert is all i know we have to be in the car a long time to get to grandma's house we've been driving a long time we're in momma's car we call it momma's car but daddy is driving daddy has his own car but we don't take it to grandma's because daddy's car it's a mustang momma's car it's a station wagon a light blue station wagon and it's her car

we've been driving a long time before we pull into cuthbert and i know we've pulled into curthbert because of two things the first thing i always see is the water tower it's big it's way big i have to squat down way low in the car look up through the narrow angle that the window provides to see the top of the water tower it says cuthbert on the tank up top

next to the water tower is the cemetery thomas is buried in that cemetery my granddaddy's going to be buried in the cemetery my momma's going to be buried in that cemetery my grandmamma's going to be buried in that cemetery my dad he ain't going to be buried in that cemetery but some of his ashes will be scattered on top of momma's grave it's all going to end up there in that cemetery the one next to the water tower

that's how i first know we're in cuthbert

then we pull onto the square there's a statue in the middle of the square the road goes around the square around the statue in a big circle the statue is a soldier standing with a rifle by his side he's a rebel soldier a confederate soldier he's a hero there's writing down on the pedestal of the statue i know because i've read it before there's writing down on the pedestal that kind of writing they do in stone where the vees look like vees and the yous look like vees but the esses look like like esses so i don't know why they can't just make a you look like a you and there's writing down on the pedestal it doesn't say anything about who this soldier is doesn't say anything about his momma his brother his daddy who he might have killed if those people had mommas and daddies and brothers it just says that this statue is honoring

all the brave boys

that gave their life to fight for their country their homes their families to fight in the war of northern aggression

i like to watch civil war movies i always want the confederate soldiers to win i read books about stonewall jackson jeb stuart robert ee lee they are my heroes i make my parents drive me all over virginia to see battlefields i've been to appomattox i've been to petersburg i've been up to manassas junction and fredricksburg and all over the shenandoah valley

i don't know nothing about war i just know what i read what i see on tee vee i just know this statue in the square

that's the second way i know we're in cuthbert if i've been sleeping in the backseat and i miss the water tower i usually wake up in time and know we're in cuthbert because of the square and the soldier

grandma's house is exactly one mile on the other side of the square we've been this way so many times my momma always says grandma's house is only one mile from the square almost there always the longest mile we pull into grandma's driveway get out of the car i hit my brother just because just because uncle ben and aunt nette with robbie and ben junior and pam in the back are pulling out of the driveway as we get out of our car dave and i run up and slap the window where they have their faces pressed up against the glass squishing their nose flat blowing out their cheeks

uncle ben pulls to a stop cranks down his window and says hey how the hell are you you sorry son of a bitch my dad laughs and says not bad you old bastard where you headed uncle ben holds up a pint bottle with the top poking through the top of a brown paper bag takes a swig passes it on to my dad he my uncle ben he says wth that kind of whisky-influenced raspy voice he says just out to mary ann's we're going to stay with her and frank tonight

is that right yeah that's right you having dinner out that way yeah probably mary ann she's fixing up some pork chops and such all right see you in the morning right yeah see you in the morning

 

the preacherman he do tell us he do tell us all the little time he do tell us children of god children of the field he do tell us he say jesus loves me and he loves you and he loves all the little children in the world red and yellow and black and white they are precious in his sight my daddy he say hey that's nice that preacherman he never had to ride with my daddy in the car for all these hours my daddy

likes to get there

he likes to put a move on he don't like to stop at all he likes to find himself a pack of fast moving cars he likes to join in he likes to drive far and fast he likes to listen to dubya ess bee out of atlanta seven fifty on your aa em dial he likes to listen to the braves games on the radio he yells at the pitiful braves damn niggers need to hit the ball that's all just got to hit the ball he yells at jesus and god and all the other drivers as we move down the road there is no interstate once you get below atlanta and start heading for cuthbert it's all two-lane blacktop and there is usually a double- or single-yellow line going down the middle

there ain't no mountains

but there are big hills and there are deep valleys the road winds up and over and in between following the road through towns with names like newnan and thomaston most with new strip malls sitting on their ragged edges old farm houses sitting amidst their crops livestock scattered about in groups of ten twelve pigs cows goats sheep whatever dogs coming out of nowhere running up and at the car defending their little patch of grass their little scrub of woods every now and then a dead dog head snapped back into a pool of blood lay on the road's shoulder old gas stations sitting at crossroads an old swinging screen door flapping this way and that motels with old rusty air conditioners sitting in the room windows and

between all of this

rows and rows and rows of pine trees the road just another row when you look out the window of the car stare into the pine trees you realize they all stand there like some sort of assembly like a bunch of soldiers wearing camouflage swaying slightly in the soft breeze knowing like all soldiers that it's only a matter of time before they head off to slaughter they're all in rows my daddy says they're all lined up that way to make it easier to cut them down i ask my daddy if

uncle frank planted them this way since uncle frank takes his truck out into the woods and he chops down trees for a living and my daddy says that uncle frank he just cuts them he don't plant them some big company comes in and plants them some big name company like georgia pacific comes in and plants them i ask my daddy if

uncle frank ever thought about planting them and not cutting them and my daddy says the only thing my uncle frank thought about planting were the young things he sees at the bar later in the day

my momma slapps my daddy on his arm he jumps in his seat a little and laughs

she says getting a little sassy she says aubrey watch your mouth around the children you know i don't like to hear about frank and his doggin' ways when he's out of sight of my sister my brother yells something out the window just yells the wind and trees kick it back into a vocal staccato i think it's a fun thing to do so i yell something out the window momma turns around in the seat and tells me not to do it anymore and i say what about dave why can dave do it and before she can say anything to me daddy looks into the rearview mirror and tells me to listen to my momma so i do i don't yell out the window any more but

i punch my brother in the arm

my brother yells my daddy looks back into the rearview mirror asks me if i want him to stop and cut a switch i tell him no that's all right he don't have to bother i don't want him to stop he looks back out the front window at all the pine trees

a black man rides his mule down the shoulder of the road they are moving very slowly very very slowly i wonder aloud how he might go a little faster if he had a car instead of that old mule why he doesn't have a car because we've been driving forever and forever and forever and if we're taking this long how long will it take him on that old mule momma says we all can't be so fortunate to own cars have air conditioning daddy just nods we've been driving a very long time

granddaddy used to have a mule i remember riding his mule don't know why granddaddy don't have a mule anymore don't remember when granddaddy had the mule don't remember when granddaddy got rid of the mule i don't think granddaddy ever rode the mule down the road

but i don't know he's old he might have done a lot of things

my granddaddy he joined the circus when he was a boy he grew up in mcintyre georgia up in the hills he joined the circus he used to walk the slack wire and juggle my grandma she come from proper folks she grew up in lower alabama some folks called it ell aa right down below dothan her momma my great-grandmamma she was a radical used to ride a horse with pants on they were the first family in the county to own a car my great-grandmamma she used to drive all over the county

wearing pants

the circus came through town my grandmamma she said that they were at a corn husking her brother played fiddle people danced and shucked corn my granddaddy he and a couple of the circus people they came by they wanted to dance my granddaddy he asked my grandmamma to dance she danced with him the circus stayed in town a while then the circus left

my grandmamma she left with the circus

to hear my grandmamma tell it my great-grandmamma got pretty upset but my grandmamma she said she fell in love with john wiley jay dubya i guess she did my momma she says that if that circus ain't never come through dothan that year if uncle thomas ain't played fiddle that night my momma she says that uncle thomas could make that fiddle sing make your feet move bring tears to your eyes if my great-uncle thomas if he ain't been gifted like he was my momma says that if that circus ain't never come into town

i might not be here

the only time i ever saw my grandmamma cry i was sitting on the floor of the living room playing with my matchbox cars pushing them this way that way the phone rang she answered the phone i looked up as she stood at the window over the kitchen sink

yeah-lo she said

then her arm went down to the counter she shook a bit i didn't want to look right at her i kind of looked at her out of the corner of my eye i was afraid to look right at her she sobbed loud sob i kind of whispered you oh kay grandma she didn't say anything i yelled for my momma i yelled momma come quick something's wrong with grandma my momma came running in through the screen door saw grandma standing by the sink crying the phone dropped to the counter she said my momma she said what's wrong mother my grandma she said

thomas died

we started way up in virginia halifax virginia uncle ben calls it a little buttfuck tobacco town it's got eight hundred people that's what the green sign at the town line says it says halifax incorporated city limits population eight hundred thirteen but i've never seen them all i've never counted them i don't know where it is really it's in virginia it's in the piedmont my teachers tell me i think piedmont is a word that means it ain't in the mountains it ain't near the ocean it's the piedmont

it's the t'ain't of the land

my town halifax it voted for richard millhouse nixon in nineteen sixty-eight my town halifax it voted for richard millhouse nixon in nineteen seventy-two pretty much tells you where it is the preacher at my church a young man just out of seminary school a graduate of duke divinity school a young man out to set his mark on the united methodist community he gave a sermon one october sunday morning in nineteen seventy-two he told us that richard millhouse nixon was evil that he was killing little babies in places like vietnam and cambodia and laos the preacher at my church he wasn't the preacher at my church the next week pretty much tells you where halifax virginia is pretty much tells you where it is

it's not cuthbert because that's where grandma lives grandma aunt mary ann uncle frank aunt catherine uncle beaky cuthbert voted for wallace in nineteen sixty-eight that pretty much tells you where cuthbert is all i know we have to be in the car a long time to get to grandma's house we've been driving a long time we're in momma's car we call it momma's car but daddy is driving daddy has his own car but we don't take it to grandma's because daddy's car it's a mustang momma's car it's a station wagon a light blue station wagon and it's her car

we've been driving a long time before we pull into cuthbert and i know we've pulled into curthbert because of two things the first thing i always see is the water tower it's big it's way big i have to squat down way low in the car look up through the narrow angle that the window provides to see the top of the water tower it says cuthbert on the tank up top

next to the water tower is the cemetery thomas is buried in that cemetery my granddaddy's going to be buried in the cemetery my momma's going to be buried in that cemetery my grandmamma's going to be buried in that cemetery my dad he ain't going to be buried in that cemetery but some of his ashes will be scattered on top of momma's grave it's all going to end up there in that cemetery the one next to the water tower

that's how i first know we're in cuthbert

then we pull onto the square there's a statue in the middle of the square the road goes around the square around the statue in a big circle the statue is a soldier standing with a rifle by his side he's a rebel soldier a confederate soldier he's a hero there's writing down on the pedestal of the statue i know because i've read it before there's writing down on the pedestal that kind of writing they do in stone where the vees look like vees and the yous look like vees but the esses look like like esses so i don't know why they can't just make a you look like a you and there's writing down on the pedestal it doesn't say anything about who this soldier is doesn't say anything about his momma his brother his daddy who he might have killed if those people had mommas and daddies and brothers it just says that this statue is honoring

all the brave boys

that gave their life to fight for their country their homes their families to fight in the war of northern aggression

i like to watch civil war movies i always want the confederate soldiers to win i read books about stonewall jackson jeb stuart robert ee lee they are my heroes i make my parents drive me all over virginia to see battlefields i've been to appomattox i've been to petersburg i've been up to manassas junction and fredricksburg and all over the shenandoah valley

i don't nothing about war i just know what i read what i see on tee vee i just know this statue in the square

that's the second way i know we're in cuthbert if i've been sleeping in the backseat and i miss the water tower i usually wake up in time and know we're in cuthbert because of the square and the soldier

grandma's house is exactly one mile on the other side of the square we've been this way so many times my momma always says grandma's house is only one mile from the square almost there always the longest mile we pull into grandma's driveway get out of the car i hit my brother just because just because uncle ben and aunt nette with robbie and ben junior and pam in the back are pulling out of the driveway as we get out of our car dave and i run up and slap the window where they have their faces pressed up against the glass squishing their nose flat blowing out their cheeks

uncle ben pulls to a stop cranks down his window and says hey how the hell are you you sorry son of a bitch my dad laughs and says not bad you old bastard where you headed uncle ben holds up a pint bottle with the top poking through the top of a brown paper bag takes a swig passes it on to my dad he my uncle ben he says wth that kind of whisky-influenced raspy voice he says just out to mary ann's we're going to stay with her and frank tonight

is that right yeah that's right you having dinner out that way yeah probably mary ann she's fixing up some pork chops and such all right see you in the morning right yeah see you in the morning

 

jesus loves me and he loves you and he loves all the little people in the world red and yellow and black and white but he never had to ride with my daddy in the car for all these hours my daddy

likes to get there

he likes to put a move on he doesn't like to stop at all he yells at jesus and god and all the other drivers as we move down the road there is no interstate once you get below atlanta and start heading for cuthbert it's all two-lane blacktop and there is usually a double- or single-yellow line going down the middle

there are no mountains

but there are big hills and there are deep valleys and there are small towns with names like newnan and coleman most with new strip malls sitting on their ragged edges old farm houses sitting amidst their crops livestock scattered about in groups of ten twelve pigs cows goats sheep whatever old gas stations sitting at crossroads an old swinging screen door flapping this way and that motels with old rusty air conditioners in the windows of the rooms and

between all of this

rows and rows and rows of pine trees the road just another row when you look out the window of the car stare into the pine trees you realize they all stand there like some sort of assembly like a bunch of soldiers wearing camouflage swaying slightly in the soft breeze knowing like all soldiers that it's only a matter of time before they head off to slaughter they're all in rows my daddy says they're all lined up that way to make it easier to cut them down i ask my daddy if

uncle frank planted them this way since uncle frank takes his truck out into the woods and he chops down trees for a living and my daddy says that uncle frank he just cuts them he don't plant them some big company comes in and plants them some big name company like georgia pacific comes in and plants them i ask my daddy if

uncle frank ever thought about planting them and not cutting them and my daddy says the only thing my uncle frank thought about planting were the young things he sees at the bar later in the day

my momma slapped my daddy

and said to watch his mouth around the children my brother yells something out the window and i think it's a fun thing to do so i yell something out the window and momma turns around in the seat and tells me not to do it anymore and i say what about dave why can dave do it and before she can say anything to me daddy looks into the rearview mirror and tells me to listen to my momma so i do i don't yell out the window any more but

i punch my brother in the arm

and my brother yells and my daddy looks back into the rearview mirror asks me if i want him to stop and cut a switch i tell him no that's all right he don't have to bother i don't want him to stop he looks back out the front window at all the pine trees

a black man is riding his mule down the shoulder of the road they are moving very slowly very very slowly i wonder aloud why he doesn't have a car because we've been driving forever and forever and forever and if we're taking this long how long will it take him on that old mule momma says we all can't be so fortunate to own cars have air conditioning daddy just nods we've been driving a very long time

started way up in virginia halifax virginia uncle ben calls it a little buttfuck tobacco town it's got eight hundred people that's what the green sign at the town line says it says halifax incorporated city limits population eight hundred but i've never seen them all i've never counted them i don't know where it is really it's in virginia it's in the piedmont my teachers tell me i think piedmont is a word that means it ain't in the mountains it ain't near the ocean it's the piedmont it's the t'ain't of the land

my town halifax it voted for nixon in nineteen sixty-eight my town halifax it voted for nixon in nineteen seventy-two pretty much tells you where it is

it's not cuthbert because that's where grandma lives grandma aunt mary ann uncle frank aunt catherine uncle beaky cuthbert voted for wallace in nineteen sixty-eight that pretty much tells you where cuthbert is and we have to be in the car a long time to get to grandma's house we've been driving a long time we're in momma's car we call it momma's car but daddy is driving daddy has his own car but we don't take it to grandma's because it's a mustang momma's car is a station wagon a light blue station wagon and it's her car

we've been driving a long time before we pull into cuthbert and i know we've pulled into curthbert because of two things the first thing i always see is the water tower it's big it's way big i have to squat down way low in the car look up through the narrow angle that the window provides to see the top of the water tower it says cuthbert on the tank up top

that's how i first know we're in cuthbert

then we pull into the square there's a statue in the middle of the square the road goes around the square around the statue in a big circle the statue is a soldier standing with a rifle by his side he's a rebel soldier a confederate soldier he's a hero there's writing down on the pedestal of the statue i know because i've read it before there's writing down on the pedestal that kind of writing they do in stone where the vees look like vees and the yous look like vees but the esses look like like esses so i don't know why they can't just make a you look like a you and there's writing down on the pedestal it doesn't say anything about who this soldier is doesn't say anything about his momma his brother his daddy who he might have killed if those people had mommas and daddies and brothers it just says that this statue is honoring

all the brave boys

that gave their life to fight for their country their homes their families to fight in the war of northern aggression

that's the second way i know we're in cuthbert if i've been sleeping in the backseat and i miss the water tower i usualy wake up in time and know we're in cuthbert because of the square and the soldier

grandma's house is exactly one mile on the other side of the square we've been this way so many times my momma always says grandma's house is only one mile from the square almost there we pull into grandma's driveway get out of the car uncle ben and aunt nette with robbie and ben junior and pam in the back are pulling out of the driveway as we get out of our car

uncle ben pulls to a stop cranks down his window and says hey how the hell are you you sorry son of a bitch my dad laughs and says not bad you old bastard where you headed uncle ben holds up a pint bottle with the top poking through the top of a brown paper bag takes a swig passes it on to my dad he my uncle ben he says wth that kind of whisky-influenced raspy voice he says just out to mary ann's we're going to stay with her and frank tonight

 

 

time won't save our souls don't you know

coming out of these days of awe got me wondering got me thinking got me pondering seeing as how i'm simply an honorary member of the tribe seeing as how i only married into the tribe seeing as how i've only brought forth some half-breed children part heathen cracker part heathen jew seeing as how i've had no official ceremony marking me as a member i guess i've been tattooed and pierced i want to be cremated on that eve of destruction they don't want me got me wondering if goyem get their names written in the book of life as well

i mean i mean i mean tis a strange line i straddle

been a long time in the community been a long time breaking the fast attending sedars reading siddor on the sabbath doing bar bat mitzvahs anyone ask me back in nineteen and seventy-seven how many bar mitzvahs i'd attend before i died i woulda said bar what baby now i'm up in triple figures go figure still i wonder still i ponder i guess i'm not really knocking on their door though guess i'm not walking up asking the elders three times asking may i please no i guess you could say

i'm highly suspect

not that there's anything wrong with it hey it might look good on you try it on never can tell just doesn't feel comfortable to me just doesn't seem to fit quite right maybe

the sleeves are a tad short

so we go to rosh hoshanna services they're lovely they're sweet they're all about renewal they're all about the potential for redemption they're all about reflection rabbi helen she stands on the bema she gives some dry sermon rather reads her drash it's dry no matter what you want to call it the torah portion for rosh hoshanna it's always about the abraham isaac thing you know everyone knows it marks the origins the founding the beginnings three of our major religions

god he she gets a hankering whispers something in abraham's ear abraham packs a donkey with dry kindling says to his only son isaac a son who by the way he spent something like a hundred twelve years trying to seed as a side note as a slight digression do not think do not even think that i haven't thought about that being translated into over a hundred years of fucking talking about heaven on earth spent something like a hundred twelve thirteen years trying to seed this boy and now hear come the old heavenly man himself

whispers into abraham's ear

pssst hey big guy here's an idea for you

why don't you take your one and only boy child take him up on the mountain there build to me a small altar slap your boy up on said altar i guess you can tie him up if you have to slap your boy up on that altar and offer him up to me slice him up burn him on the pyre stand there watch him go up in smoke

prove that you love me

i mean goddamn goddamn that coat don't fit too well on me that coat it's a bit tight let me get this straight let me understand this messaging here we got this mighty non-earthly being he's the big cheese in the sky made the heaven and earth made the plants the animals even made old adam and eve now he's fucking with one of these guys he says he cajoles the poor old motherfucker talks the old geezer into whacking his boy

i mean i guess that i'm not the first one i guess that i'm not spewing forth original thought i don't claim to be a scholar in this area i ain't out there translating from the original hebrew trying to parse through filter through trying to

understand

just exactly what the fuck this book is saying but i'm just being a simple good old boy just kicking back on my ass smoking a doobie thinking pondering my navel wondering what kind of practical joker is this god i mean right there at the end right there before old abraham was about to skewer the lad god leans over and says hey really i'm just kidding put that knife down what are you crazy whoa i sure had you going there for a little while there you actually were going to kill that kid whoa whoa i better watch these wild and crazy thoughts that come through my head

probably the same thing happened with charlie manson he whispered those silly little thoughts into charlie's head he just forgot to lean over at that last second and say hey charlie just kidding don't you know nope he forgot and it then it was just one fucking

whooooooops baby

fucked that one probably a few of those what about old david koresh the motherfucker he got a big dose of whisper joan of arc i think she not only got whispers she got the whole kit and kaboodle holographic images and all stonewall jackson george patton emperor hirohito hell even old george bush he's been getting those whisperings as well but well you know old george he didn't hear the message about killing his own children his god whispered to him hey george you best be killing other people's kids

prove that you love me

i don't see any fucking difference between abraham being willing to kill his own flesh and blood because of some schizoid moment and a father today letting his own son go off to war there ain't no difference i don't respect it i don't honor it i can't follow it and the other thing i can't follow the other thing i can't fathom the other thing i just got to question

we got ourselves a few institutions of belief all based on this motherfucker about to sacrifice his own son just because this cocksucking egotistical god up on his own personal olympus decided it would be a good laugh to convince one of the little people to

whack his son

jesus fucking christ what kind of god have we wrought

that we then allow him that we then bow down allow him to further this humility by saying you know you know you know once a year i want you little cocksuckers to consider whether you are worthy of my attention you go off beg my forgiveness for fucking around on any one of these six hundred and thirteen laws that i have slapped down on you if you can convince me that you are really sorry you slovenly little snotnosed red headed stepchildren of satan himself if you can convince me i may write you into the book of life

but i ain't going to tell you if you are or not if you make it around to next year well then i guess you made it

yeah so we go through these days of awe for this motherfucker even go without food the last day so we can really fucking think about it then then then and this is the part i really get confused on then the partia for yom kippor called nitzavim it's from deuteronomy chapter thirty buried in this partia verses seventeen eighteen buried in this partia it says

but if your heart turns away so that you will not hear but shall be drawn away and worship other gods and serve them i announce to you this day that you shall surely perish and that ou shall not prolong your days upon the land to which you are going over the jordan to enter and possess

whoa whoa whoa wait a minute did he say did the big guy tell us not to worship other gods does not that at least raise the question does not that at the very minimum cause one to pause and simply ask

hey tell me about these other gods

i mean whoa are you telling me i got a choice on gods wait a minute i want to hear about these other gods i mean i want to know i really want to know i really need to know

would these other gods ask me to kill my boy

because i'm not so hot on the one that keeps getting quoted i mean there's the whole flood thing there's the whole enslavement in egypt thing there's the walking the desert for forty years thing i mean this guy he went on to give up his own fucking son there's this jesus thing

there's this abraham thing way back at the beginning

i mean what's that all about i want to know about these other gods that this written god is so jealous of i want to know more about them i want to step back and make a better choice ten days of awe my ass my sweet goddess within whom i swim who i know to be a seething bitch who i know to be a merciless cunt she still has never requested that i give my son

and george bush you can take your fucking god who has whispered to you who has requested of you to call upon the families of this earth to give their sons and not only their sons give their sons give their daughters give them over to slaughter george bush you can take your fucking god and you two can go off and fuck each other you two can go off and fuck each other i don't want either of you i don't want any of you i will not bow down before your god i will not listen to your god i will not send my son my daughter to war i will not lay my child upon your piss soaked altar of deceit and lies i will not i will not

you and abraham and both your gods can kiss my ass

days of awe and all that