well let's just say there were tits and belly buttons everywhere and not a one to grab

lest ol uncle phattie might get nabbed might get popped might get brought up on charges of lewd and lascivious behavior now we don't want that do we now do we i was a good boy i was a very good boy i might have let the old eyes wander oh kay oh kay i do admit i do attest but who could blame me a hot day on the east coast in the big city all the pretty ladies come prancing down the sidewalk bursting out all over and oh kay oh kay i do need to atone for the several times that i had to break down and simply take advantage of myself to quote my man tommy waites even though he started said quote with a little couplet making the scene with a magazine then of course with his witty ol self he has to add and this is the part i found appropriate to accompany my sordid deeds i mean i wasn't too kinky i didn't tie myself up or anything i was the same way hell it was quite the vanilla masturbation session i mean i couldn't even find

elimidate on the telly

but i did have one good roasted cuban pork dinner with plantains on the side preceded by a big old plate of ceviche all sorts of ceviche scallops hamachi tuna my guys drank mojitos i drank club soda because i'm a puritanical motherfucker hey i gotta say no to fucking something

i do i do i mean i don't i don't

me and nancy

we are two fucking peas in a pod hell i'd pee in her pod once when i lived in washington dee cee that was after nancy lived in washington dee cee this was when king george the first reigned over this fair land and when marion the duke of dee cee got popped by the dee cee po-leese for smoking crack with a crack ho and the tee vee cameras were there all candid like and it was all over tee vee all night long every commercial break from beverly hills nine seven six had a lead in for the eleven oh clock news with the grainy black and white video with the po-leese breaking into the door just as good duke marion put the butane to the pipe with the voice over complete with closed caption just in case we didn't really make out what he said

the bitch set me up

i went in to work the next day came up out of the metro down around em street and god i love america i love the entrepreneurial spirit i mean when i popped up out of my aitch gee wells tube of hell right there at the top were young brothers from the hood these boys must have been busy all night long there they stood waving fresh white tee shirts that read in big white letters

the bitch set me up

i didn't have enough cash on me by the time i got back they were gone i hope it was because they sold out and not because some of marion's boys came over with a little too much concern and consternation

and then we left the cubano restaurant i guess cubano is in this year we walked down walnut street i rolled a cigarette with a little hashish in it all amsterdam style we walked down the street passing it back it forth got all wobbly legged then i came back to my room right there near the convention center couldn't find elimidate on the telly and you know

the rest of the story

got up way too early had to make calls go to a conference had to call europe talking to these guys working right outside of london then had to talk to some other guy in london then some guy called me and he conferenced me into another dude who claimed to be in fucking moscow what oh what are we going to do when everyone has a fucking television this whole global village thing ain't working for me cable television is responsible for the homogenization of america well at least between the mountain ranges what's going to happen when we're all sucking off the same media tit

anyway it wasn't too awfully hot until until this morning when i left i was at the philadelphia airport early at eight oh clock it was over ninety stood on the top deck of the parking structure smoking another hashish laced cigarette i had to be outside because the homeland security guys don't like me don't let me smoke them inside in the air conditioning where it would so much more fucking civilized so i stood on the top deck of the parking structure and the mixture of the heat and humidity and jet exhaust made for a lovely haze i could see all the way to the runway almost

almost

then i got on the plane no eventful events while at the airport i slid into my little airplane seat i buckled myself down yes this time i did tie myself up but didn't have the wherewithal to take advantage of myself and then i did some work and then i watched a stupid movie where a lot of people get blown up and the hero and heroine kiss on the beach at the end and then i came home

and i didn't really have anything to say except i'm tired and i'm going away for eight or nine days tomorrow and i hope that i make it back and i think i'll make a couple of notes along the way but until then

i'm going to go upstairs stick a finger up my ass and watch elimidate on my own damn tee vee and all that

   

travelogue don't you just love a good travelogue come on gather around the fucking living room george he's set up his projector we got slides we got pictures george going to sit back fat relaxed click the clicker martha baby she'll purr the captions don't you know it's a regular fucking travelogue better it's a fucking weekend update saturday heading to philadelphia city of brotherly love don't you know liberty bell ben franklin constitution hall cable fucking television you oh pee but i ain't there yet this is the beginning of the trip i'm still in san francisco i'm just getting out of bed

read the paper a bit pack my suitcase travelpro don't you know green in that forest olive sort of way take cuda for a walk through the woods around stowe lake let her get herself all wet and stanky before i leave me and cuda then get in stella's car go fill it up with gas fucking two dollar and sixty-two cents for a gallon of that shit yeah yeah i know i know it's still cheap compared to the rest of the world yeah yeah but

i thought that's why we're over there killing those motherfuckers i mean why the fuck else would we be over there killing sand niggers blowing the hell out of 'em getting 'em all wild and crazy over there why the hell else would we bother with the lowlife camel fucking cocksuckers so i'm trying to do the math in my head i'm trying to add up the total cost to me phatmike of our little endeavor over there i mean i know there's the cost the hard real cost right here at the pump in spite of the rosy predictions of a free people create a free market which will lead to cheaper gas maybe that ain't quite what they mean that one stares me right in the face it's two dollars sixty-two that's per gallon you esse gallon and the other one the one not really staring me in the face but sort of weighing down my shoulders the simple little question of that two no three hundred billion dollars that's you esse dollars don't you know it that money i guess we all gots to belly up to the bar and pay our fair share of that one too i'll just make the math simple i'm a simple man let's say three hundred billion dollars divided by three hundred million citizens of these here united and holy fucking states of the most sacred of places on earth america thank you jesus thank you christ

so let's see here that's about a thousand dollar per don't you know it more or less on average probably though the fucking middle class when you go through all that statistical modeling running data points through all those extra specially motherfuckingly high fallutin' algorithms developed by the best and brightest that mankind has to offer when you add it all up the middle class probably pays a little maybe a lot more than the average i'd say that this median sum let's just call it the iraqi tax because basically that's what it fucking is so this median sum it's probably sitting closer to three or four thousand that's me that's most of you cocksuckers

belly up motherfucker you don't pay you don't play

bring the car on home it's going to be a hot fucking day and this is san francisco pity the fucking fools ain't in san francisco out there in the central valley hitting triple digits god amighty that's fucking hot with an aitch oh tee with flames spurting out of the letters like they was jumping out of some neon lit barbecue sign down on the southside of atlanta stella she got to go up in the country photograph a wedding a fucking outdoor wedding pity that po' stella gotta go earn the money girl birth them babies and get back out there into the field

fucking outdoor wedding in sonoma in july digital photographs they gonna drip and ooze like some freakin' dali painting

go upstairs with a cup of tea stella in the shower baby you going to be sweatin' let me tell you don't know why you even bothering with the shower i sit in the big old overstuffed chair by the window overlooking the inner block my own rearview window sip my tea wait for her to come out the shower little morning surprise hey baby i'm going away this may be the last chance you ever get hell i'll throw that line down even if i'm just taking out the trash towel slides down so do i goddamn i like it all fresh and powdery

the water beckons i gotta go i gotta get blessed before i get on that jet plane i go in give youngest son a kiss goodbye he's still asleep he's a teenager give get some sleepy goodbye sugar won't see him for a while heads off to camp next week i head on down to the bay catch one last swim afore i go water getting too damn warm sixty-four this morning flat went on forever skipped the sauna warmed dried on the roof communed with jah club rasta missed my man deacon pete last swim for a couple of weeks gotta make it count

airport first trip in a while two three months maybe not since vegas baby go to the united machine slide my card the machine it say hey you phatmike and are you flying to philadelphia i said yes and the machine it say you best be going to talk to an agent the agent i'm the four hundred and fifty-first customer she's spoken to today i say the machine she say i should talk to you the agent also a she she say how you know the machine's a she i say you know i just sort of have a way i kind of just know it's the way i touch her and she responds

the agent she say oh

she asks no really she requires says name rank serial number i lay it down give her my driver's license she looks at it looks at me looks at it looks at me lather rinse repeat she say this don't look like you i smile i say baby i'm is me can't be anybody else but the one hundred percent unadulterated unspoiled almost virginal if you don't count this morning me

granted i just might be divided up into twenty-four unique but highly overlapping personalities sometimes i get to choose select sail on a whim sometimes i don't but i'm a regular fucking party

she dials a number on her phone she talks into the phone i smile might even be considered a grin she does the look at me then away thing again cycles through it a few times talking into the phone she gives them my name rank serial number reads them my driver's license number she listens to something then gives them this string of letters and numbers can't remember the exact string but the first letter was

dubya

and in the string i distinctly remember a zee followed in succession by a cee and a nine but that's about it don't know the fucking number i ask so what number is that she shrugs she hangs up she says it's oh kay you cleared i guess the raised eyebrows give away the concerned amusement she says you know random check she hands me my tickets fucking middle seat in the back of the plane to chicago lovely i lean over i say can you put me on the upgrade list she puts me on the list i lean over i smile i say you know baby

i feel so violated

i'm afraid that i may swoon in this vulnerable state where i now find myself this total self doubt that permeates my very soul all this distrust is so bad for my karma don't you know can't you show me a little first class love come on baby don't make me wiggle in the middle you know you can find me a little something something up front i mean i just feel so

dirty

after that interrogation she looks from side to side going all clandestine on me she dances on the keys a little here a little there long pink expensive nails doing the clackety clack she slides my boarding passes into an envelope says here now go on

yeah baby there is love in the air 

my fat phat white ass plopped down not in business class baby got me the single lazy boy recliner all the way up front too bad i don't drink the dude in starched white he slides in with champagne i take the oh jay he offers champagne again says i can have both i say i wink i say baby i'm flyin' already i been to church incense has been wafted mankind is saved for another week return your grapes to bacchus the wood nymphs have provided

do a little work do a little words and thoughts for money one of these days even if i have to order one of those fucking birdhouse kits from the back of the boy's life magazine does that thing still come out i used to dig boy's life probably the best homo-erotic rag aimed at the pre- and post-pubescent male target market order one of those fucking birdhouse kits tap it together paint it all funky and sell it on the street corner one of these days i'm going to make money by actually fucking making something you can touch

do a little work do a little dance make a little love get down tonight

they still serve food up front with real silverware well not knives only get a plastic knife public safety don't you know don't want to arm potential terrorists by golly by gum thank god we land safely in chicago ain't philly yet we're in the midwest yes darlin' what is it about red state girls that drive them to dress like such fucking sluts

not that there's anything wrong with it chicago airport keeps chi-town at the crossroads of the midwest if you're going to milwaukee if you're going to springfield if you're going to marion fucking ohio you gotta go through chicago do these guys know that in san francisco if you wear those funny striped polo shirts and those docker kind of pants and sport that fluffy fuller brush mustache i mean dude you're fucking gay especially if you put all that together in a pretty little package even with comfortable shoes don't they know in San Francisco that's the gay uniform not that there's anything wrong with it

can you say nambla

midwestern breasts must be bigger here i'm seeing more cleavage than i ever do on either of the coasts even los angle ease i just love a slut who's thinking maybe if you're lucky outright declaring speaking in tongue screaming about jesus while you fuck her on the kitchen table

i just want to bite her big old nipples while the cross bounces between those tits you know it's written it is decreed that if you spew creamy cum on the cross while it is situated while it does hang so if you get all freaky on the cross then she belongs to you forever god wrote it on some rock outside of provo utah why would i lie about such an important sacred thing book of hell fire and red state sluttery yup own her forever do just about anything you want to do with the lovely lass anything you damn well

please

you can cum in her hair spit in her hair give her a good spanking while she lays across your lap

whether she deserves it or not

hell slap her in the face with your cunt soaked cock whatever gets your freak on she's yours god says so just so long as you

treat her right

cee terminal to bee terminal take that funky united tunnel with the logan's run flashing yellow red orange blue neon rods complete with sound track slide into exit aisle seat ain't it funky just five hours ago i'm a suspicious cocksucker in san francisco now they trust me enough to give me an exit seat you prepared to help other passengers in case of emergency i say yes ma'am i sure will i will lift this door up with my super human strength i will fling it outward let out the women and children first help them into the raft

in case of a water landing

slide into the seat supposed swift commuter flight down to philadelphia pennsylvania i miss it when the stewardesses used to stand up front and lash their wrists together with the little seat belt demo thingie i only wish they had a couple extra so i could lash down their legs as well spread wide i love the smell of pussy combined with fear

ginger ale and one whole fucking ounce of pretzels

land in philly after the captain puts on the fasten the seat belt sign people smoke in the taxi line philly's a real fucking city in san francisco they don't even let you fucking smoke in the goddamn park now not on the goddamn beach next thing you know they'll outlaw you from smoking in your car with the windows down for crissakes people why don't you go home teach your fucking kids to read don't worry so much about what other people do grab a taxi ride to the hotel downtown don't you know check in with stella wedding went fine hippies got married outside in the woods of sonoma stella said they smoked but

they were artists

george put away the projector the travelogue's done and all that

on my way to stern grove heading down nineteenth avenue crowded bus standing up the entire way that's oh kay i'm not on the east coast sweating my ass off with all of humanity stuffed inside a tin can all with lifted arms aren't you glad you use dial don't you wish everyone did i'm in san francisco instead thank fucking jesus we all smell good in san francisco sometimes i go months without showering the weather is so temperate here but this day a sunday this day it's a cool foggy day it's only noon too late for those with hangovers to be a little testy not late enough for the ah shit weekend's over tomorrow's monday blues maybe the sunday traffic is cause for everyone to get all testy about things big aids walk in the park traffic backed up in both directions but not on our bus we're the cool calm collected bus and i'm riding it i'm riding the bus the twenty-eight standing tall reaching up grabbing the strap

looking into the bright green eyes of love herself

when i'm not glancing down at her superfluously splendid summer cleavage young tall white rasta lock wearing hippie dude complete with small conga drum jumps on bus at lincoln friend in tow he young rasta dude he is all smiles he stands near me he doesn't hang on he surfs while laying down some riffs like some beat poet in a coffee shop badda badda bim then happily moaning an unrhymed couplet down and low goin down nineteenth avenue goin down to old stern grove his friend joins in pretty soon a couple of others join in it's viral several more then

what the fuck

so do i wander into the park all eucalyptus tall and green reaching up with big green butterfly nets capturing the fog holding it over us wrapping us in its warm summer blanket wet humid not the usual cold find stella she's made friends she's already there came an hour earlier on her bajaj her bright yellow bajaj with the custom stella addition of the glued-on plastic gemstones to mark the gears on the handlebars she came early to find a spot to lay her blanket using the cell phone crowd locator function that special feature where you press a button and say

where the fuck are you

and the one at the other end of the line that special someone she says i see you keep walking keep walking keep walking you fucking idiot can't you see me i can see you i'm literally ten feet away from her can't see her in the crowd stella insists it's something personal doesn't really believe that i can be that fucking blind but but baby i'm blind in love with you why can't i be blind in other areas as well i flop down on the blanket stretch out still an hour or so before the music starts all sorts of people floating by this dude i met almost twenty years ago when one and only oldest son was in utero comes walking by i see him maybe every three years met him at a child birthing class

like stella needed a class fucking kid was coming out no matter what they said at the fucking class

i did my part though breathe breathe stella she had a better idea she said tell you what instead of saying breathe why don't you just lay your fucking dick on the table here and every time i have one of these little contractions i'll just smack your precious little dick with a hammer

this dude came walking by i said hey what's up he can't remember my name i can't remember his name how's the kid she's off to college smith or somewhere he smells like a reefer factory eyes squinting in that stoner's grin not from the sun that ain't shining through the fog after a while the music starts linda tillerman and the cultural heritage foundation kicks it off some sea island afro funk conga tambourine gourd wiggle your toes stella compares her knee scars with our new friends around our blanket

gladys is a dancer with a wide white smile and long long braids i tell her my grandmother's name was gladys she's from winnipeg my grandmother she was from elle ay that's lower alabama for the geographically challenged she was from elle ay she died in georgia her friend the friend of the new and improved gladys not my grandmother gladys her friend don't know her name she and gladys and stella they compare knee surgery scars

stella she came early me the slacker once again the guy feigning disinterest in seeing ladysmith black mombaza stella she said she'd go get lawn space hang out read the paper while i swam and attended church with the deacon pete down at the church of the roof of the southend rowing club

stella she came early and met this guy jeremiah dancer dude from some group called afrofunk he had this big space got there around seven in the morning stella joined him and his friends she stella she's good that way everyone's her friend she'll tell me the life story of the entire crew later

the cultural heritage foundation groupthey get funky with an old folk song boll weevil i tell stella that the very first record yeah we called them fucking records back then the very first record i owned bought by my mamma the very first record that i ever owned had that song on it but it didn't sound like that sounded different my first record they sang it cracker style on the same record as oh susanna she'll be coming round the mountain and rock island line which funny enough they sang as well all cubano african style

dig

when they got funky all the girls young and old stood up and shook it like afro-elvis brown white black yellow a wild sexy salad shaking all about baby bring me my salad spinner we gonna eat tonight they walk off stage things quiet down people mill about i lay my head down and gaze at the fog listen to the buzz of people listen to the buzz of the grass growing ladysmith black mombaza walks onto the stage sings oh they sing they sweet like guava mango nectar

stella leans over kisses me says they their voices all together like that they sound like cool sweet cream pouring from a bucket

jeremiah's little boy jeremiah with the short basquiat dreds a dancer friend of gladys his little boy antonio says he's six i think he's more like four sitting back eating from my bag of cherries oh the cherries are good this year eating from my bag of cherries laughing spitting out the pits takes a break to blow some bubbles into the sky fog still pouring through the ancient eucalyptus redwood grove stuck here in the middle of the western edge of the city the people sitting on the ground up the hill in the trees glimpses of them through the greenery antonio's bubbles floating up up pop up up pop

i love the feel of bubbles popping on my cheek

gladys's brother ernest leaning back on stella's knee stella is friends with everyone never a stranger when stella is around ernest leans back chats with stella i hang with my man antonio we break bread dip hummus eat olives the iowa dyke sitting on the blanket nearby she offers up a big old bowl of fried chicken i gladly accept some kids that we know that i used to coach in soccer they wander by they're thirteen fourteen now long hair going to high school in the fall where's your mom stella asks they point up the hill up there they say up the hill with a bunch of hippies we had to leave because

it stinks like hippies up there

yeah i say yeah they say then they say well gotta go i say cool say hello to your mom for us they say oh kay sayonara suckas they laugh that you're just a fucking idiot laugh the one that fourteen year old kids do to show you they're cool and you're not i'm oh kay with that yeah all right i'm not oh kay with it even if i'm no longer cool it hurts to no longer be cool kind of makes me wonder if i was ever cool at all

what the fuck who am i kidding it don't matter because i got stella believing the lie she used to think i'm cool now she knows better she's even forgiven me my lack of coolness sometimes she brings it out brings out my lack of coolness just to tease me but that's all right that's oh kay just so long as she gives me a little bit of that somethingsomething every now and then

stella leans over kisses me says they their voices all together like that they sound like cool sweet cream pouring from a bucket

onomatopoeia does not serve me in describing the sounds the emotions notes syllables melodious guttural chanting whispering giving witness testifying praising life words some words scratches of words woven in and out spun with love and hope spun with sacred slivers of mother earth's cunt hairs spun with tales of woe and forgiveness

stella has the spirit of a dancer she is never happier than when she dances she is dancing standing and dancing she should dance more we should dance more i miss her dancing she misses it more hasn't really danced since two things happened one her dance instructor she left for new york urban bush women now claim her stella lost part of her soul when amara left two she hurt her knee one and two add up weigh heavy

the show ends we give hugs we give kisses we promise to email i pinged ernest last night maybe hook him up with a gig who knows stella is going to go see the afrofunk dance show it's next weekend here in da city we say goodbye to new friends walk down to the special scooter space where her scooter is parked

i hop on back and we take off up the hill i'm digging life cool wind blowing by stella she such scooter trash she steers us up the hill down sloat avenue up the great highway alongside the beach sun setting low but still foggy light waves tremendous tide coming in the smell of cold salt striking my flaring nostrils i lean back on the bike and ride low ride high

ladysmith dancing blues bubbles on my cheek and all that

two couples nuevo ultrahip euro modster dudes in their skinny tight turkish trousers shiny shirts of undefined yet natural material post industrial batik dayglo babes in strapless flowing clinging chartreuse and lavender respectively expensive-made-to-look-cheap-store-bought blonde and dark dark brunette respectively standing on the seawall between yacht harbor and crissy field wind whipping guttural gasping grasping grabbing chartreuse dress flapping flag flapping not a la seven year itch no marilyn monroe being all cutsie and faux innocent rather she was being taken being taken by zeus himself ripping at her dress tearing at her dress admirably attempting to throw her down and fuck her right then right there she writhing teasing the roaring god he ripping it up heavenward exposing her showing us showing god and everybody the blonde was true

wispy at that sweet and wispy

zeus such an animal using his cock like a sword like a wiggling giggling blade of love and might young ultra hip euro dude with his wild black mane unshaven square set chin fucking adonis complete with hollywood muscles beneath the loose shirt euro dude stepping up stepping forward putting one arm around miss blonde east coast visits california falls in love and lives happily ever after chartreuse strapless don't you know stepping up his pointy toe boot pointing toward heaven one arm pointing ahead palm forward fighting fending protecting i looked around for the cameras must be a movie set this is just too fucking beautiful these people are just too beautiful and hip and if it's not a movie set it must be some sort of hallucination self-induced or otherwise who fucking knows these days some sort of hallucination and if it's an hallucination well hell's bells let's kick it into gear let's complete this picture it's girls gone wild uncensored you must be eighteen to call this number i'm thinking the addition of two very acrobatic ninjas hell make 'em ninja fucking turtles would be most cool maybe over the top ah what the fuck a speeding cigar boat careening i've always wanted to use to write the fucking word careen or in this case careening i feel complete thank you almost post coital almost maybe a little flaccid cock nap sprawled out like a lion who has just humped his main squeeze lioness and then gorged himself on fresh zebra kill careening toward the seawall machine guns blasting they're the bad guys so they're bad shots bullets spraying all about our ultrahip my man flint heroes unscathed hair not even nearly mussed makeup cool the only sign the only little clue of a quickening of the pulse being the slightly erect nipples showing beneath the dresses the ninjas however unfortunately yea happily for our heroes lay dead chopped into twenty-seven pieces the number twenty-seven having some sort of quentin taratinoesque translation from some ancient hindu martial art into twenty-seven bloody pieces our enemies splintered and dead we remain united and strong and of course very cool very hip

so help me god so help me jesus sun shines above but the fog rushes at us from the gate pouring screaming under and over the bridge golden and stretching

just finished a run out to and up up onto the bridge running at my turtlish pace jimi asking the axis i got my own life to live and i ain't gonna copy you giving my toes just a little lift just a little joy sweat like a fucking pig chill quickly with the wind she's heading out on her own run young earth mother slow jogging toward then by me past me following her with head and eye in both directions smiling that well hello ain't the world something kind of grin she gives a friendly smile back quickly briefly though she is so pregnant that cute little belly so tight like a little fucking tom tom goddamn having that would be like loving the young old mother herself right ripe with the future

she strides

off toward the sun i get into my car jimi he's moved on he saying i hear you shot your old lady down hear you shot her down

sweet thing momma soon to be runs off toward the sun i'm going way down south way down to mexico way down south way down where i can be free

afternoon slides on out on down with the sun the evening yawns shower no shave what the fuck it's just a fucking poker game it's the regular poker game over at the attorney's office sitting at the table me the attorney the music schmuck the homicide schmuck he shows up with his retired grey pony tail hey i play in a band now first gig first week in august gotta come out man gotta bring props cheese schmuck comes in all fresh and frosty been out sailing cheeks blasted red some new guy introduced a new game called it wild west omaha kind of  like a game we call scranton which adds a fifth card option but he threw in a eight qualifier on the low which can turn the game on end

the game starts staccato quick just three of us playing two-card molly quick hands wins and losses come fast and small others come in one at a time we're playing in the fillmore in a garage frank sinatra is crooning the legal schmuck he likes that classic stuff he also drives a cadillac if you're going to go in some direction fucking get up and go he does the setting is classic he's working hard to make the place comfortable brought in big old buckets for beer soda ice

little water pipe drifting hashish smoke atop the table portly woman in circa nineteen ninety-five ill fitting business attire pulling small roller case somehow appears at tableside where the fuck did she come from she's supposed to pick up a package from one of legal schmuck's tenants is that really a little hat hairpinned atop that shiny red bob legal schmuck engages her in conversation my hand slides slowly across the table snags pipe and little block of hashish palms both into lap hidden before her curious wandering eye spots contraband like that time at the king of the road inn out on north valdosta road highway forty-one at seventy-five back in nineteen and seventy-six the bicentennial year when officer leroy fowlkes entered our hotel room our usual room that good old bill used to let us have on friday nights if it was available entered our room thought we were rather suspicious all the comings and goings i did that same move with a much larger bag of well i'm not going to lie we didn't really call it kind green bud at that time it was more like a big old fluffy bag of mexican leaf and it wasn't really a little water pipe it was more like a small bong but the room was dark and charlie and jenna were able distract him just long enough for the move to be effective

leroy left unsatisfied

copper head babe with rollercase left with legal schmuck we never saw her again but legal schmuck he returned no worse for the wear

the game was good the money flowed the jokes flowed the insults flowed the usual bitching the usual complaining yeah maybe it moved a little faster since joe perve wasn't there to ponder to carefully consider  his one and every game card bet pick one he can't make a quick decision but we did miss his quirky games and the nice cigarettes he can roll sand man was missing probably standing outside on the sidewalk jacking off in public i'd have joined him but i had already taken advantage of myself in the shower don't know where the sandman was but he was unavailable is he still on parole can't remember the other legal schmuck missing the italian hash man on vacation the fucking limey missing in action for a while now got schmuck who has been on a winning streak lately missing the missus probably got him tied up on all fours with a dildo up his ass i guess that is a reasonable if not down right exhilarating excuse

can't let any schisms can't let any wedges make their way into the game hey remember we're all schmucks we're all fucking assholes we can toss a few cards around here we can toss a few cards around there i can take all your fucking money any place you all fucking suck my cock at cards so why does it matter where life's too fucked up outside the game there needs to be some sort of cone of no outside shit allowed magical beam that surrounds the game

don't you know

ate shitty food no more than usual what is this obsession that grows within this mad desire for sour gummy worms is it the hashish don't know i had to eat a box of prunes this morning just to get halfway regular thought i was going to sink on my swim this morning i can just see the fucking headlines dead swimmer fished out of the bay foul play suspected as stomach pump brings up five pounds of partially digested gummy worms the poor fuck didn't even chew the slimy excuse for foodstuff

i win early get beat into a hole and then stage a minor comeback win a little twenty-five half-decent in a quarter-fifty-dollar game legal schmuck brought down sixty new guy had to leave early to go take his kids to some fucking harry potter book midnight release for crying out loud the kid's fifteen let her take muni why not have her read a little flannery o'connor a little welty a little take your pick i mean i understand the logic of well at least she's reading something but dude come on she's fifteen and you're at a poker game this ain't fucking around here at least he left leaving money behind he lost a small fortune none of this leaving early and taking our money to boot bullshit

the game fades eventually the cheese schmuck can barely keep his eyes open no i don't feel bad about taking his money back in the getaway car cool fog wiping the city clean on the way home jimi replaced by some classic soul brought to me courtesy of my man pete got to give credit where credit is due the reverend al green a nice segue from frankie et al all is good

friday night becomes saturday morning

ultrahip modster cardplaying schmucks sour gummy worms and all that

 

 

needed a burrito just one of those things don't you know

had a good day cruised through a contract deal felt good give me that you get this give me a little of this i'll drop a little more of that felt good popped over the bridge east bay ya dig from down below ain't it grand crossing over down below don't you know do the low down do the cross-over

i like to lick

on the upstroke then cross over from right to left a variation of reading hebrew with an essence of braille just an essence now got to have her wanting more needing more

down and around and through san jose up the eight eighty fremont town damn diggity they was suburban before suburban was cool big and flat fremont you know a town strange so strange when they have a section called old town fremont has old fremont we got your new fremont we got your old fremont we got your neo-modern post-industrial sixties version of fremont is that old is that new don't know don't think it's old don't think it's new hell hope not

meet with the b-man did the meeting thing with the be-man arrows and boxes and circles and red pens and blue pens video flow transaction flow logic flow command flow hey baby i got your command for you right here i know i like it i know you like it more eye pee message flow my pee had to flow after a while too much coffee too little time to masturbate damn work just fucking gets in the way of the rest of the good shit my daddy'd say why the fuck you think they call it work if it wasn't work they'd call it something else cash flow the most important of the lines with arrows i hate it when the cash flow is hidden beneath one of the three cups and i have to guess to figure out which one is which is witch

make me maladapted

to the entire situation me and the be-man we reach a healthy understanding which means we just got to get back together again draw more lines boxes arrows maybe even throw in a circle or two decide around seven thirty eight oh clock we decide to conduct business outside in the parking lot the be-man saying he wanted to show me the result of his weekend transaction the acquisition of some major-lee pungent kind green bud dakind wid da fuzzy red hairs sliding slithering up and through the crystalline green i

do dig

a redhead flick flick snap crackle pop breathe baby breathe

realize

but don't actualize ain't the time or place for such navel pondering we continue the talk it's a tug soft hammers come out wop wop don't fuck with me motherfucker i ain't fucking with you my man you my favorite you my main mad man change jangles in the pocket why you hanging onto that jay so long man don't know didn't really realize that i still had it in my hand between my fingers guess those synapses weren't firing off all that well

what did you say i dunno stella she claim this shit make me stupid she may be right i don't argue with her i mean why i love her anyway stupid or not

me be-man parted ways did the quasi-business-yet-hip handshake hug right hands clasped arm wrestling style elbows bent bring bodies together clasped hands touch chests left arms reaching up and around loose hug with a quick pat on the back and then it's over i ain't gay he ain't gay

not that there's anything wrong with it

slid onto the car casually clicked carelessy clicked on my little bitty em pee three player a little herbaliser funkin' up the joint damn i'm hungry drive down the road old fremont opened there before me i have no fucking idea where i am i know every street in the city but i get scared out here the roads could go just about anywhere and usually do tucked over in the corner of some strip mall i see the bright yellow and green neon universal signal for taqueria my favorite here in the city is probably chinos out on balboa just up the hill from the beach been going there for years when i first moved to the city i did dig diggety dig le cumbre valencia sixteenth and le taqueria at seventeenth used to hang at this one on mission and twenty-fourth one can't remember the name and only oldest son took me to one out near harrison twenty-second can't remember the name of that one either starts with an em i think some kid shot me with a paintball gun couple of years ago there wrote about it but too fucking lazy to reference it go fucking find it if you care might even find the name of the taqueria it is fucking good they pan fry the carnitas in an iron skillet right before it goes into action

if you're a cool hip white dude with a worldly attitude you speak spanish to the less than green card attired young man or woman behind the counter equal opportunity employment don't you know me i just say two chicken tacos extra peppers or i say carnitas burritos whole beans peppers

hot sauce

i don't stray much i like to stay between the lines keep it between the ditches yeah hey i may wander and have a fish taco i may go crazy have a vegie burrito last night i pulled into the little taqueria in fremont i went up the counter no other customers things don't stay open too late here in california the dude smiled called me amigo i smiled back said yo i checked out the goods went for the carnitas verde dude warmed up the tortilla on the stove walked it over to the counter opened it up then i noticed

the dude had only one hand like he had this one arm that went all the way down and ended with a hand and he had this other arm that went all the way down and just ended i went through like to triple take to figure out the what's not right with this picture my interest in the process

intensified

lose a hand your whole life changes don't you know how would i jack off and slide a hotel moisture cream coated finger into my ass at the same time these little things that i take for granted picking my nose while i talk on the phone holding the carburetor on my bong while i light the bowl but baby this dude he joked and laughed with me while he made my burrito slapping on the rice spicy pork running over the stove grabbing out the heating bowl of beans walking back to the counter with the hot bowl balanced on the nub of  his wrist i wondered if he practiced continual cauterization then the coupe de grace he

fucking rolled my burrito

like a one-armed paper hanger rolling a cigarette fucking unbelievable sat down in a booth ate by myself while reading the paper best fucking burrito i've had in a long time i shit you not can't remember the name of the place can't even tell you the street it's in fremont google it motherfucker

i bet they don't eat too many burritos in the white house

i dig a good burrito there is a certain zen to eating a good burrito slowly tearing away the foil holding it just so about an eighty degree angle mouth open coming down from above choking the chubby biting down the first bite it is the best bite fresh unspoiled a bit more doughy at the tortilla fold contrasting with the last bite the second best bite a bit soggy all the hot sauce by this time given into gravity flowing to the bottom the very last bite hot sauce and a bit of pork maybe a bean or two again with the doughy fold but soaked

mouthwatering madness

make we want to shake and shiver all over

make me forget about all the shit in the world

ain't no dads dying ain't no doing deals ain't no osama bin ladens laying in wait ain't no george dubyas lying through their teeth ain't no tee mobile phone with no coverage ain't no flat tires ain't no ain't no just

me and the burrito

one with god

digging the booth sipping my horchata reading my east bay express some editorial about legalizing sideshows biting my burrito maybe crunching a chip when the sauce is a mite too hot ain't life grand

hands the lack thereof burritos and all that

 

i believe i believe i do believe yes i do

i believe in god the father almighty the creator of heaven and earth and in jesus christ his only son our lord credo in deum patrem omnipotentem creatorem coeli et terrae et in jesum christum filium ejus unicum dominum nostrum

dig

i believe in the father the son the holy ghost i believe in purple haze blotter acid peyote mushrooms and elle esse dee created by the hand of man himself i believe in moses mohammad buddha vishnu i believe in the blessings of her sacred goodness the kind green bud kay gee bee i believe in the power of love i believe in family i believe in the ultimate goodness in mankind i believe that

evil exists

in all of us

i believe in the holy act of fucking i believe grabbing a handful of hair of the willing and bringing her down onto my phallic being for sacred consumption i believe in the holy act of wiping my ass i believe in jacking off with wondrous abandon i believe in picking belly button lint out of my fucking belly button while i contemplate world peace while i contemplate when i might next jack off yet again i believe in coughing up a big loogie spitting it into the gutter and continuing on my way i believe that

love lasts

until you don't want it to last anymore and then it

lingers

come on baby move closer to me look into my eyes tell me what you believe

tell me how you feel tell me tell me i believe that i don't do enough to end the misery that permeates the world i believe that i eat more than my fair share i believe that i don't recycle enough i believe that i drive my car too much i believe that i maybe i shouldn't wear leather maybe i shouldn't eat meat i believe that i shouldn't have used chlorine in my hot tub i believe that i could have given the fucker on the corner a dollar without blinking an eye i believe i believe as edmund burke said that all that is necessary for evil to succeed is for good men to do

nothing

and i fucking believe in nothing i believe in everything i believe in my being confused about what to believe

my momma she taught me one thing my daddy he taught me another thing my cousins they taught me some things that haunt me to this day the church of my youth hell we went through so many young idealistic preachers i kind of forget what they taught me one of them let me listen to jesus christ superstar on his hi fi when he had some of us methodist youth fellows over for dinner one of them the young idealistic preachers one of them ranted against nixon in nineteen and seventy-two the autumn of that year to be precise said that nixon was evil and all who voted for him was evil he wasn't our preacher in nineteen and seventy-three i grew to believe that the church elders didn't really believe what

they told me

to believe and now many years later people who believed what the elders said but didn't believe i believe that they no longer believe but they are now the church elders not believing what they tell their youth

my teachers they taught me to believe in the flag and all that she represents i pledge allegiance to this fucking piece of cloth sewn by some old white woman for which it stands one fucking nation of crazy fucking people who could give a flying fuck about anyone else liberty and justice for everyone except those that don't fucking deserve it hey woman whip me up some broad cloth make it kind of colorful whip me up something that i can wave around something that the boys will lay down and die for

my teachers taught me

to believe in the innate goodness of these united states of america they taught me to believe that once old king george was not a jolly old soul not a jolly old soul was he and all of the fucking limey redcoat motherfuckers were evil incarnate but later through the triumph of redemption and the miracle of forgetting the past these chaps they ain't so bad now i mean they are white and speak english well most of them do

i believe the wiccan rede bide the witch's law ye must in perfect love in perfect trust eight words the wiccan rede fulfill and ye harm none do what ye will what ye send forth comes back to thee so ever mind the rule of three yeah yeah when oh when will the werewolves of london be smote with the

silver bullet

or three when oh when will the devils of new york be brought before god to testify when will they be dragged through the streets down broadway and up the effe dee are behind the chariot of apollo

close your eyes and count to three

one

two

three

when will she bring me up on charges of not giving a shit when will she drive the nails through my palms my ankles my hips when will that goddamn bitch go ahead and get it over with when will this cunt of a goddess stop squatting over us all pissing her beliefs pissing all over my beliefs

i know i know i know it's all in god's plan who was conceived of the holy spirit born of the virgin mary suffered under pontius pilate was crucified died and was buried and

then the sun went away and the dogwood tree became what we know it to be today and lightening struck and it struck and it struck and it struck goddamn it still strikes today the lightening struck when the europeans fucked up the new world when the europeans fucked up africa when turks slaughtered the armenians when the germans and the brits and the french kicked the shit out of each other when the japanese slaughtered the chinese when the germans slaughtered the jews the gays the gypsies when the americans dropped fire on the germans when they dropped hell itself on the japanese when the jews ran the arabs out of jerusalem when the chinese fucked up the koreans when the chinese fucked up the tibetans when the americans helped the cambodians fuck themselves up when the world stood by and watched the bosnians rwandans pick one pick any of them watched them fuck themselves up when the arabs fucked their women up when they continue to fuck themselves up when the americans fucked up central america when the russians fucked the chechens and everybody else they met oh yes it do

lightening strikes

all around us while we play our respective fiddles play that funky fiddle white boy yellow boy brown boy black boy don't make me cry and get all rodney king on you poor fucks but i believe i believe i believe that surely somehow

why can't we just all get along

all in god's plan he descended into hell the third day he arose again from the dead he ascended into heaven he sits at the right hand of god the father almighty

whence he shall come to judge the living and the dead

yeah i believe i believe that i will be judged i will be judged but not by you motherfucker i will not find twelve men who will be my peers i will not find twelve angry jurors that will hesitate to place my sorry neck into the noose i will not

believe in the holy spirit the holy catholic church the communion of saints the forgiveness of sins the resurrection of the body and life everlasting i will not no i will not believe in anything except the bloodied bodies that i see on the television screen i will believe in anything that larry king says is righteous i will believe in oprah and her orphans i will believe that anna nicole smith has righteous drunken tits that deserve not my lips but my teeth i will believe that the only desperate housewife is the one who has not tasted my cock i will believe anything that charles kuralt tells me about the holy down home sanctity of homespun americana

i believe i believe oh lawdy i do believe i do

well shit amen

affirmation of faith and all that

 

 

i wonder i wonder i wonder if the grandkids of my grandkids sitting in whatever will be whatever will take the place of eighth grade history class maybe it will be called social anthropology or some sort of futuristic harmless doublespeak triplespeak non-offensive to either right or left kind of nomenclature the kind of name that will not require us to say history herstory i reckon i wonder i wonder if during their final exam some early june morning in the not too near not too distant future i wonder i wonder if

question number four

might not ask might not request compare and contrast the reign of george the third of england with that of george the second of the united states please try to refrain from using the words crazy and psycho if you must go that way please use the correct term megalomaniacal and delusional please invoke whatever passages from whatever speeches documents that you may recall i hope that i may pass down that i may provide the grandkids of my grandkids with that little bit of wisdom that little bit of relevancy that

history doth repeat herself thus spoke george the third when he declared america is lost with appropriately placed exclamatory punctuation thus spoke george he said the situation of the kingdom is novel the policy that is to govern it must be novel likewise or neither adapted to the real evils of the present moment or the dreaded one of the future

crazy motherfucker that he did be at the time all wrapped up in his royal cloak and our george that being george the second the one after the first yes our dear george dubya maybe he will indeed be called george the second in some distant social anthropology book our george he thus spake just the other night he said the terrorists believe that the terrorists believe that free societies are essentially corrupt and decadent and with a few hard blows they can force us to retreat they are mistaken

ah they are so mistaken he did say just the other night on my television set brought to me by gee em on see en en via satellite george the third crazy motherfucker didn't have telly vision he only had ink and pen a feather quill one at that or maybe he just spoke and some cute thing with hoop skirt and nothing beneath wrote it down for him

goddamn

george the second he probably makes laura wear three pair of panties scrubbed well and disinfected some guys have that clean kink hey i'm not knocking it i mean i got my own little kink or two no doubt about it i openly admit to having a bit of a fetish for

wetsuits

oh my oh my i just want to be the olive oil coating condense my horny aura into a fine layer of slipperiness sliding between her skin and the rubber of the wetsuit oh my oh my

i just hate to see a beautiful body chafe

in those oh so tender places those places that so deserve to be succored

but i don't get it i just don't get it i got to admit i just couldn't follow the bouncing ball something about terrorists old george number two numero dos old jorge is something of a latin lover don't you know old george he said something about insurgents then he said something about terrorists then something about nine eleven then to eye rack and back we be we be taking the fight to them rag head wearing motherfuckers so they never think about bringing the war back to us but just in case they think about bringing the war back to us we better check up on what you been reading in the library what you been renting from blockbuster what you been watching on tee vee what you been spending all your hard earned money on you know that money that you got left after we spend two hundred billion dollars this year but yeah since we're going to be there another few years don't hold me to a timetable i don't like timetables but since we're going to be there another few years why don't you folks just kick back and get used to sending your babies and tax monies to the desert gotta protect these sovereign shores of this sacred land protected by our god not their silly fucked up allah god where they got to get down on their knees like fucking heathens three five times a day only heathens pray that way us proper christians if we kneel it is to some soft cushion and that is only so we can partake of our lord's body and blood that he gave so freely no don't use the word martyr those sand niggers use that word where they have these crazy motherfuckers i think they call 'em muthers maybe mullets maybe mullahs they stand up in their towers over their churches yeah i know they ain't really churches i'm just trying to reach out to our little brown-skinned friends that are honest good americans even though they don't pray to jesus don't worry we'll make it safe so you can leave and go home we better check up on your email we better check up on your so-called charitable donations thank you for listening tonight yeah old georgie he did say maybe i did paraphrase then but now i doth quote

the work in eye raq is difficult and dangerous to complete this mission we must hunt down the terrorists and insurgents the terrorists don't understand america and our resolve we fight today because the terrorists want to attack our country and kill our citizens

well goddamn

sounds sort of like peace with honor at this rate we should be bombing cambodia by christmas oh sorry wrong war wrong time don't compare the two they ain't the same nothing similar at all simply replace cambodia with syria eye ran korea north or south hell i don't care let's get 'em all while we're at it best nail the fucking chinese too best get those motherfuckers while we're at it cocksuckers trying to buy our oil companies take our oil right out from under us first they bought our fucking laptop computer company then they bought our fucking washing machine companiy i mean what's going to happen to that helpless motherfucking maytag repairman probably replace him with some short hyper energetic rabbit fucking efficiency expert and a voice mail system  now they're trying to buy our fucking oil companies they already own the goddamn massage parlor industry what's a man gotta do to get a fucking hand job around this joint

well goddamn

peace with honor

yeah old george he say we will fight them there we will fight them across the world and we will stay in the fight until the fight is done we will fight them there we will fight them here will you fight them in a box will you fight them with a fox will you fight them in a house will you fight them with a mouse when oh when are we just going to stand up and scream we do not like green eggs and ham we do not like them george

i am

going crazy going crazy right alongside old george two and three i just want to pull back i don't want to hear the fucking body count on the radio every morning another seventeen you ess soldiers died today when their helicopter was shot down by what was believed to be an insurgent missile i mean how is it now that the fucking missiles themselves are insurgents as well holy shit are they all against us going crazy don't want to hear it on the radio don't want to read it in the newspaper don't want to get up in the morning walk down to the front door grab the paper wander back upstairs to the solace the early morning solace of my bathroom and my morning shit take the paper out of the plastic bag stuff the bag into the bag next to the john the one the bag where i put the other bags each and every morning one day i might recycle them one day take the paper out read the body count in the new york times kill box can't have a decent shit unless i get the baseball scores and the body count

we do not like green eggs and ham we do not like them george

i am

going crazy going to take the ken kesey route going to stop reading the papers going to stop listening to the radio i'm going to run off to the woods take copious amounts of elle ess dee smoke copious amounts of mary wanna have wild wanton sex in the bushes and just forget about it just forget about everything i mean if we pretend it ain't happening then

it ain't happening

right yeah old george he say we fight today because eye rack now carries the hope of freedom in a vital region of the world shit if that is hope if that is how old merriam webster defines hope then shit then shit come on world come on world maybe if maybe if on july fourth maybe if on july fourth instead of singing some fucked up song like star spangled banner all bombs bursting in air by the dawn's early light maybe if we just all stood on our rooftops and in unison now with a little reggae beat thrown in for proper rhythm we all just said

we do not like green eggs and ham we do not like them george i am

maybe even do a little dance while we chant i don't know i guess that could be optional the important thing is to put

a little feeling

into it maybe raise your hands palms and fingers extended shake it a little bit hell feel free to raise only the middle finger what the fuck

it's a free country

supposed to be at least otherwise i got to go stick my head in the ground it just

breaks my heart

how did we let this happen all over again how did we let this happen all over again

goddamn

green eggs ham and all that