Eff Elle AA

they passed a new law down in florida

they have all sorts of crazy laws down in florida this new law down in florida it's about guns hell when i lived in georgia i grew up georgia but when i lived in georgia up in some buttfuck town outside atlanta up in kennesaw when i lived in georgia they passed this law something about if you lived in kennesaw you not only were allowed to have a gun you were mandated you absolutely had to own a gun

down in florida though them crazy motherfuckers they have gone and decided that you can shoot just about anybody you feel like shooting

yeah dawg don't it just make you want to move to florida and buy a gun just so you can have the honor no the privilege hell the obligation to draw on shoot and kill just about any motherfucker that pisses you off so much that you think they mean you bodily harm or maybe ought to mean you malicious intent because if they don't they're idiots because you're going to shoot the motherfucker one way or the other he might as well go down fighting

god bless jeb bush and his idiot brother

yeah dawg don't it just make you want to move to florida hell i bet old terry schiavo's dad wishes they had passed this law a couple of months ago motherfucking doctors they'd been dead in the hallway motherfucking judges they meant harm to what is mine self-defense don't you know

yeah jeb they say he's the one who really should have been president i bet he secretly wishes brother george had fallen deeper into that sack o' coke come on you know he does i mean a man can't be so goddamned mean-spirited so fucking self-righteous and not fall prey to such petty emotions as sibling rivalry

come on jeb just give us one mighty tantrum all we want is to see you get jiggy with your human side you got to target the opportunity just right got to get on tee vee but not on purpose you know he's in town there's some event one of those humdinger fundraising blowjobs you boys manage to land every other day some big event men with earbuds and dark sunglasses and very cool black suits not so flashy as to be euro cut but not so dull as to be brooks brothers white shirt dark tie they be so fucking cool men in black but unfortunately they are in the minority mostly old white men and maybe one or two of their whores and jeb this is where you get down throw yourself on the floor do the kick thing do the bang the floor with your fists thing do the screaming yelling crying telling the world how much you really really hate your older fucking brother tell 'em how you're the smart one the good-looking one the guy with the hotter wife tell 'em they never caught you with your nose stuck deep in a little fluffy baggie of pixie dust you tell 'em jeb

george probably still calls him scooter or runt or butthead

hey butthead i need you to grab me a few votes down there in your state how bout it runt

yeah boy down in florida no telling what them boys going to do next maybe arm some neighborhood patrols let 'em loose amongst the populace bunch of crazy rednecks

all kinds of rednecks down there

you got your full assortment you got the kind that used to be hippies when they were twenty but now have gone all charlie daniels redneck still got long hair beard stomach grown a bit rounder fuller maybe because he still drinks jack daniels black about every night do they even make the green label any more been so long if you take the cork out throw it out the car window when you're driving down the road

you can be pretty sure that you won't put the bottle away half empty and not be able to find it

then there's the jarhead kind the ones on their way to the marines rangers crazy naval seal motherfuckers they've been man-you-facturing barrels of crystal in the utility shed been snorting near about that much as well they be a little wired don't you know sometimes falls into temporary periods of intense roid rage but they mean well they're just letting out a little steam

support our troops motherfucker

then there's the worse kind there's those righteous cocksuckers it's their way or the highway to hell in a handbasket they'll bend you over the alter of their god yes their god i'll let them claim that motherfucker cause i don't recognize their god he ain't the same jesus i know he ain't the yeshua the moses i know nosirreebob they'll bend you over the altar and fuck you with the cross shove it up the old yeah you know right up the old hole all exorcist like give it a good twist three times for the trinity baby let me tell you way down there

in florida they have all kinds of rednecks

probably a good thing those buffalo were baltimore buffalo good thing they didn't get loose up around tallahassee wouldn't be having quite so tender an ending like that posse of noble photo-op officers herding them onto a tennis court hell these boys would've been having themselves a big time barbecue that night i mean ferchrissake hell if everybody is packing just waiting for someone to piss them off and if nobody had pissed 'em off that day they just might have had some bullets left over and yeah baby the boys are bison bagging tonight skin it and throw it on the grill with your sins

god bless jeb and his idiot brother george

fucking fucking fucking wild times to be had down in florida down in eff elle aa baby when i was but a young impressionable teen living down in south georgia down in dosta town about twelve miles from the florida line they got all church like on us on sundays wouldn't sell beer on sundays can you imagine it's the middle of july in south georgia right smack dab in the middle of the fucking swamp and they're telling us jesus don't want you taking his offering of barley malt and yeast and enjoying his creation in the great out of doors so we had two choices we could go back across the highway off the old quitman road there's a little maze of dirt roads and on one of these dirt roads sits

mister goodbuddy's wayback shack

where one mister goodbuddy will sell you beer anytime of the day or night but it'll cost you or

we can take a drive down to lake city about an hour south of valdosta on eye seventy-five lake city being the closest place where it is legal to sell alcohol but only beer or wine on sundays usually we opted to head down to lake city we liked the highway cruise with the journey joint most of the times we'd stop at blue springs over in jennings on the way back

take a dip

in the crystal blue cunt of the goddess herself blue springs forming from a sink hole dropped out just inside the elbow bend of the withlacootchie river oh black river

take a dip hey jeb tell you what i'll stay down here with my goddess you go off with yours let's make a deal i won't push her on you if you don't push him on me how about it jeb

yeah dawg don't it just make you want to move to florida let's drain a swamp and let the house of mouse build some sort of stepford community let 'em put up a big old wall around it let 'em put guards at the gate let'em check eye dees let 'em keep out the unsavory elements so you and eye can have the perfect life driving land rovers across flat black asphalt double caramel mocha sitting in the cup holder air conditioner blowing my girlfriend blowing me aa see blowing hard and cold need to ride high away from the heat of the blacktop baby the only heat i want should be seething from my neighbor's wife i know there's a commandment bouncing around there somewhere better pull it out when i get the chance

just because i like hanging those clay tablets down in the courthouse don't mean i'm going to read them much less follow them who the fuck do you think you're dealing with

god bless jeb and his idiot brother george and all that

Los Gatos

sitting in a coffee shop out in the burbs down in los gatos nice wealthy boomers sporting their expensive hardbodies late in the day sitting at my table my meeting just ending hands shaking next steps decided on calls to be made people to talk to presentations to polish finishing up not really wanting to leave just yet because i just know that traffic is going to suck it's five o'fucking'clock might as well hang out might as well

don't kids go the the library

teenagers at various tables sitting around with laptops sitting around with their books drinking coffee hell i smoked dope years before i started drinking coffee what are they doing drinking coffee but i guess it's not really coffee it's one of those fru fru coffee drinks with mocha in the name and with lots of whipped cream piled up on top

i'm nursing a double shot depth charge i know i'm working late tonight

couple of other guys sitting at other tables not together they're a little rough around the edges but in the polished way that bruce willis way that abercrombie and fitch kind of way that i got so much money that i don't give a shit what i look like kind of way hell la honda is just right up the road i guess it's the neil young effect might see him driving down the road in his cadillac convertible any minute now

a couple of moms here a couple of moms there rocking babies the single women all looking on both wistfully and jealously at the same time you can smell the envy the baby envy it permeates the air

everything is so clean here in the burbs down here in los gatos nestled up against the foothills i drop a cookie on the floor i have no qualms about picking it right up and eating it hell they pay immigrants to keep this floor spotless

the boys are so clean cut up in my hood they sport rasta locks and shaved heads and piercings that cause one to do the double and triple take not much color here in the coffee shop i can't bring myself to call it a cafe can't even bring myself to call it a coffee house it's too pre-fab not much color down here in the burbs gazing around pretty white crowd a sprinkling of asians among the students los gatos is old money like in a haley mills parent trap sort of way hell i don't even see a cute tattoo peeking out of the back of the young lasses' pants

there is one couple that catches my eye though sitting on a couch very close touching young guy and very gorgeous older money chiquita she with her legs crossed him with his hand slid in between her thighs they see me looking at them i'm not shy they are not shy she has no ring on her finger i don't think she is his momma i mean this ain't south georgia this ain't the hills of kentucky they kissed on the lips for crying out loud he's got the pointy soul patch and side burns longish hair parted on the side but you know he's going to be bald in three four years the combover has begun

she has manufactured breasts

not that there's anything wrong with that i mean they're still nice to look at but it just seems to me that they could design in that special jiggle that special bounce you can only find with those luscious natural breasts he's wearing ultra hip euro cut jacket plaid with striped shirt he's hip he's hep he has my daddy gave me money and gave some fancy school money so i could attend because my test scores were really too fucking low to get me into even chico state he has this written all over him hell he's still wearing his fucking blue tooth wireless headset i think it's the preppie version of da boyz in da hood keeping the price tags hanging from their brand new sixers lakers knicks cap

come on dude just take the fucking mister spock thing off your ear the world will take you a bit more seriously

okay i do dig the pointy shoes

beads cascading down her chest shells separated by stones shiny stones designer sunglasses on we're inside darlin' long frosted hair twisted up in chop sticks very sex in the city ferragamo purse but her shoes what are those things some designer espadrilles on a wooden platform how can you drive in those things

perhaps a visit to the foot binder missus robinson

i'd like to bind her i'd like to slap some ropes on her stretch her out across the bed nibble on some of that well toned well tanned flesh give her cause to really scream i wonder if she has ever really just let it all out just really screamed i wonder if anyone has ever grabbed her hair and held her down while fucking her like a machine don't know if i would have the staying power that young studly does but he doesn't look too athletic i bet i could take him i bet i could slap him around a bit get him to cry uncle he's not old enough to have figured out how to fight dirty yet

they leave and are replaced by women wearing designer track suits i didn't know they still sold those things where in the world do you buy these things is there some web site that caters to this market segment i guess i need to get out more i'm so fucking out of touch with

america i got to tell you though suburban america they are a good looking bunch of people straight blonde hair big teeth and two hundred dollar jeans

the pulse of america manufactured breasts bad coffee and all that

April Showers

my dick has been hard since the equinox don't you know it must be something about the time of year must be something about the sky being so blue it's fucking dark out something about the sun being so lazy and warm just oozes around you while the cool ocean breeze whispers across like fingers over her nipples something about the feel of warming moist spring soil like fingering the goddess herself

yeah something like that

my dick has been hard since the equinox don't you know don't know what i'm going do to about it i'm a walking exception for cialis if your dick has been stiff for more than four hours you better get yourself to the hospital motherfucker because it looks like this thing got stuck on overdrive shit who needs cialis just bottle this air just bottle this vibration sell it on the internet magic dick stiffener only ninety-nine ninety-nine a bottle buy it now and we'll also send along a two-foot bong with the party bowl accessory it may be the only thing to bring it down i mean hell

it's downright embarrassing getting on muni taking the train downtown and old john henry stands up salutes hey how you doing miss sweetness must be some sort of invisible springtime swami sitting up there playing his flute snaky sammy comes dancing up and around like it's just going to mesmerize hypnotize that pussy god forbid she drops her keys

yeah something like that

walking back to my car from church the other day walking along the broad boulevard of sidewalk that hugs aquatic park just the other day the goddess blessed us with an amazon princess a princess and her entourage all these beautiful tantalizing triathletes wiggling into their wetsuits a thousand sea nymphets naughtily titilating slithering shaking pulling tugging the unsound of lubed rubber sliding on skin that wicked silence i want to frolic with them i want to rub up against them in the water fucking like seals in the cold cold bay waters

but i just smile

knowing that i just must be hurting us both my silence is our loss my loss your loss hell baby tell you what let's just go ahead you can't tell me that you are not at this very moment having very similar thoughts you see me and my man pete walking by you see the aura of experience you see the salty crust of naked bay swimmers who scoff at your rubberized protective wear you love the dance you love the tease let us moan neptune's secrets our teeth on your throat i do believe that must be the way that seals do the nasty teeth on neck how else do they hang on how else do they say underwater everything how else does he say hey baby i want you so bad i need to slide my large sealhood into that sealy pocket of love come on baby i mean how else would a big old seal tell his old lady such sweet things

but i just smile try to think about baseball or something to make my dick go down

somedays i just have to do the tommy thing bring out the deaf dumb blindboy kit cap off the senses deny myself the connection i mean ain't that the way the pope does it that funky hat must have some sort of nodal probe tame the ganglia keep old john in bed somedays i need to put on my funky pope hat think catholic thoughts of celibacy just to make springtime erections go away just for a few minutes for god sake a man has to sleep a man i can't really sleep on my back some childhood thing i'm sure rolling over with antennae extended can be problematic so sometimes i have to wear the funky hat and

if no one else is around the house i'll wear the matching robe

i hate to deny myself though i hate to deny that which is natural but poor stella she has to run when she sees me coming around the corner she pleads mercy i may have abused my welcome i just can't get enough come on baby just one more time over here we may have anointed my desk but your desk is still virgin stella knows to be careful of me in the spring she tries to ladle it out in steady healthy doses so to compensate i have developed extremely well developed forearms and wrists don't you know you just ought not deny that which is natural hot water bills tend to go up this time of year keep the hot tub running take more showers oh my oh my

is there anything better simple sugars spun within the wild wonderful warmth of thethys herself

but i just smile i know why too and i know why all the others all those lovelies walking by i know why they smile as well i do indeed i do we all smile for the same reason it ain't all this stuff about reaching another level of consciousness all this self-awareness misinformation it ain't because we're terminally happy due to some foregone concluded est training because of some bizarre gestalt therapy it's because we all know we all just fucking know we all can feel that massive connection it's like that fungus they found out in colorado montana wyoming one of those places the world's largest organism some fucking mushroom growing under the ground that extends hundreds of miles we're all part of that mushroom it's spring and those spores are just bursting to get out

we're just vessels of love

damn

smilin' spore popping vessels and all that

Viva Las Vegas

saturday a day of rest

a day set aside for the lord a day down at the church of the south end rowing club the usual me and deacon pete did a little run did a little swim water temp dropped a bit down to fifty-four for those of you keeping count dropped a bit sauna shower made a couple of cups of espresso who needs viagra our coffee will make your dick hard sat out on the church nee club deck overlooking the bay overlooking alcatraz overlooking the golden gate bridge overlooking the tourists one of whom deemed it appropriate to serenade us on his very handsome guitar we appreciated it can't really name that tune but it seemed strangely familiar in the john denver sort of way

i've often wondered just what kind of girl would have been a john denver groupie seeing as how sunshine on my shoulder simply ain't the kind of song where you just want to have her on hands and knees barking while you grip her waist and make like a porn star

kicked back on the deck talking shit me and deacon pete

the other day flew april twenty to be exact the other day flew to las vegas we had a convention to attend the national association of broadcasters about forty-seven million people all coming into the the las vegas convention center big ass cavernous monstrosity of a building television shit everywhere even had a couple of helicopters on the show floor can't chase down oh jay without a helicopter with this special camera attachment ever wonder how that camera didn't shake rattle and roll when they chased oh jay down the four oh five they had a helicopter

we flew in an airplane me my partners in crime my man sam the miller's son my man johnny-man my man vee we flew in an airplane flew in sam the miller's son's airplane a twin engine six-seater flew up and over the sierras had the joe cool headphones on my head said roger into the microphone sam the miller's son didn't have his red baron hat on but he seemed to be dead serious about this flying shit

i respected that

appreciated it even we took off we soared off into the wild blue yonder we noticed my door wasn't shut too well sort of rattled a lot with the wind coming through can't exactly open it up and shut it again when you're in the air we circled back around we landed we shut the door we took off again we flew to las vegas

we flew over the sierras we flew over king's canyon over evolution valley i could just about see hutchison meadow me and deacon pete and a couple of others we had backpacked into there about ten twelve years ago beautiful meadow joe the crazy man had climbed a glacier while we sat naked in the meadow drinking scotch watching him yelling instructions to him he made it up and back

but he got bloodied up a bit just a bit

flew into vegas actually flew into henderson went straight over to the convention center did the shuck and jive thing did the fast talking thing promises made promises made stayed in the stardust hotel cheap hey we're a startup got to go cheap wayne newton's last night after like seventy-four thousand appearances over the last seven hundred years his picture giant fucking picture was on the sign when we pulled up

when i woke up the next morning wayne he was gone

do the biz thing walking up and down the aisles like a fucking grocery store of potential business deals collecting business cards like i'm throwing groceries in the cart finish up late have a late dinner just about eleven i get a call in my room i had just toked on a couple of bowls get a call in my room it's the vee man he says yo dude it's still

four twenty

i say yeah he says come on down to treasure island there's about two dozen half naked women dressed like pirates getting on a boat i wander down there's one of those disneyesque spectaluars going on music fireworks smoke swords swishing through the air bodacious ta ta's bouncing as amazonian fantasies climb up and down ropes cannons exploding neon flashing grand finale big ass ship actually sinks in the lagoon me and my man vee hang in the back of the crowd leaning on the faux-dock rope smoking a little dope in a one hitter got to stay below the radar got to blend in getting all incognito

and all that

we wander off get a call from the preacher he's over at the venetian me and my man vee we used to work for the preacher we fucking hated him as a boss dig him as just someone to hang with now that we don't have to work for him we dig hanging we head over to the venetian we grab the preacher we head out to the back we're in this well lit place for dope smoking kind of a loading dock the preacher suggests that we are on video camera we all look up smile each of us pointing at the other doesn't inhibit our purpose however

it's amazing that the goddess in the midst of such greed and lust it's amazing that the goddess provides us with the sacrament provides us with the recommended daily allowance got my new one hitter it's kind of a pain in the ass with more than well one person it is a one hitter i guess but it allows time for ritual it allows time for one to enjoy this tangible form of grace

the preacher he's studying to be a real preacher he made enough money he made so much money he works not for a living but for something to do he still continues to make money he's studying to be a real preacher wants to form his own church me and my man vee me and the vee man we ask the preacher we say to the preacher talk to us about being a preacher talk to us about your church

talk to us about god

the preacher he goes off on his theory he talks his tee cee pee stack analogy the physical layer the communication layer the application layer talks it through kind of like a trip up the self awareness pyramid kind of thing psych one oh one kind of thing he talks about bad good and right kind of likens being right to being righteous i remind him that jesus said that there was no righteous man the vee man suggests that it is impossible to do the absolute right thing the vee man he's hindi he's deep

he my man vee he says oh kay oh kay answer me this i'm walking down the street i'm in the tenderloin this dude he asks me for ten dollars i could give him ten dollars it ain't no stretch that ain't going to be an issue my babies won't go without this dude he's kind of like the raggedy man ain't slept inside maybe for a few days maybe longer he asks me for ten dollars if i give it to him am i doing the right thing maybe i give it to him he goes out buys a piece of fruit talks to the grocer gets a job lives happily ever after maybe i give it to him he goes out buys another fix gets really fucked up walks out into the street car hits him he dies maybe i say fuck off dude he's strung out he has nothing to help him he walks into a store tries to hold it up he wants money kills a little kid who gets in the way how do i know what is the right thing me i say doesn't matter just got to go with your gut

he asks then you just wash your hands of consequence i say when i am a righteous man i will know the answer hey me

i'm just a pagan can't separate my loins from my spirit love is the power love is the answer can't nobody tell me that my body sunk deep into stella ain't righteous it's righteous at the moment can't tell me pussy ain't righteous the goddess she don't just give that shit up how can you not be all twisted up in those arms hair sweat smell slipping sliding slithering on the plastic sheet covered with olive oil can't tell me the goddess ain't give us olive oil

damn

we head back into the casino we grab us a table we sit around they drink scotch i drink club soda squeeze of lime we sit back we smoke cigarettes we talk about god i ask the question i ask the simple question i say let's just say that i ate a bunch of mushrooms and let's just say that i was out in the middle of an island in the middle of the okefenoke swamp and let's just say that the moon was full and the hootie owls was doing their hootie thing and the old bull frogs they did their bullfrog thing and the crickets did the chirpy thing and the shadows danced as bats fluttered overhead and the spanish moss hung from the old cypress trees glowed in the moonlight and let's just say that in the midst of all this i heard god speak to me let's just say i spoke to god let's just say all that happened

does that prove that there is a god

did i really talk to god

the preacher he says yes my man vee he says yes so we all agree that there is a god

we light a cigarette we express our love and admiration the waitress in the venetian costume saunters by silicon and peroxide flashing in the bright lights slot machines ding ding dinging yahoos and a couple of holy shits and one mother of jesus cigarette smoke winds up and around and mixes with the crowd as we do when we finally get up around three thirty and stumble off to our respective hotels our respective rooms

next day back in the grind dealing wheeling preaching the gospel of capitalism and television get into the airplane we fly home reverse path the sun setting as we land at hayward airport we land as softly as the sun sets

nothing but love nothing but

me and deacon pete we wash out the espresso pot we wash the cups we head home

tonight's pesach and all that

Crazy Talk

yeah a fine morning a fine morning indeed me and my man pete we ran up and over the goddess's breast up and over into fort mason around and about and up the steps and around to see phil burton salute big guy last of the old time liberal chieftans never met a man he couldn't buy bribe threaten insult love and cry over he was terrific back down to the club the church of the south end rowing club we stripped down and swam in her cunt out and beyond the opening hung a right along the seawall and back

i can't swim in a straight line

we start off my man pete is on my right i look up a little while later he's on my left way on my left i look up a little while later he's way on my right he asks me later in the sauna he goes man why don't you swim with your head up every now and then look where you're going i said sliding the razor along my throat i said i just liked swimming with my head down just think about shit i mean nothing too weird nothing too strange i mean i rarely think about rabbit hunting when i'm swimming although the other night i had a dream about rabbit hunting with my grandfather he let me use his over and under four ten twenty-two i shot at the rabbit and missed i rarely think about fucking while i'm swimming yeah yeah probably the only time during the day that i'm not thinking about fucking i'm thinking about fucking twenty-three hours a day that's the time i'm not swimming oh kay sometimes i think about fucking when i swim i mean the goddess she is sometimes just rocking and rolling chopping and swelling that ocean she does stir she does fuck my brains out

sometimes

i can't swim in a straight line

yeah fine morning a fine morning indeed last night though last night though was another story a whole nother story i told pete the story this morning when we were starting off our run oh yeah by the way i smoked him running ran fucking circles round him i know he's reading this yeah i fucking smoked you man

yeah fine morning a fine morning indeed last night though last night though was another story

the motherfucker up and died yup the motherfucker up and died

now don't go worrying it ain't that kind of story it ain't that kind of story at all it ain't no get down and damn my luck sulk in the fucking muck and mire you don't have to worry you don't have to get yourself prepared for some old tear jerker of a tale i ain't going to get all existentialistically angst on you don't go worrying it ain't that kind of story this tale has a happy ending though

sort of

i mean the motherfucker i will refer to him as the celtic fuck from here on out he's a schmuck i mean that in a good way he's one of us

sort of

i mean celtic fuck is oh ess eff baby one strange fuck

he's a good guy he's an honorable fuck he's got a heart as deep as dimples on my barista this morning oh my she be cute serves a mean cafecito jiggle and shake he's got a heart as deep as deep he's a good man he's got love in his heart he's just

fucking crazy

really like certified it's official check that box on the form yeah he's

fucking crazy i kind of really miss the celtic fuck that i first met he's one funny fuck he's got a great laugh he'll look across the poker table he'll look at his cards he'll look back at you and wink and laugh couldn't play cards worth a shit somehow ended up winning the most amount in any evening in the history of the game the celtic fuck he had a falling out with another schmuck it's all about love and history and honor and all such bullshit that i'm sure must have some validity on both sides beside the crazy part but it's all about that and there's been

acrimony

which ain't a good thing it ain't a good thing at all it simmers on the back burner this acrimony it does it does indeed the love it takes on a little taint don't you know gets a certain smell about it shame really i dig 'em both i mean hey i guess we're all crazy in one way or another one way or another

the fucking limey he called me last night he says phatmike hey how you doing i'm oh kay what's up the limey's all serious he's rarely serious except when he's losing at cards because he's kind of afraid that the limey-wife will bring out that leather strop that he both fears and worships the limey's all serious he says

the motherfucker he up and died

long ass story i still don't know what happened limey-wife is a nurse has a friend married to celtic fuck's ex-partner yeah try and follow that string of mother's uncle's hairdresser's plumber's cousin's other uncle this ex-partner says somebody called in somebody called in and says that celtic fuck is dead like a fucking doorknob brain aneurysm boom bada bing dead limey is telling me this

the motherfucker he up and died

holy shit holy shit a little acrimony it ain't about up and dying i mean a little acrimony it's about going out getting drunk to forget about it it ain't about dying nobody wants celtic fuck to up and fucking die the calls go around the poker table gang can you fucking believe it what do you think caused it i don't know maybe it was the drinking smoking drinking partying fucking thing nah couldn't have been the fucking thing probably the smoking drinking thing fuck fuck fuck

the motherfucker he up and died

i talk to the lawyer i talk to the sandman i talk to the perv the emails go around thing is no one knows where he's

dead at

no one knows where he fucking is his whole fucking group of work mates they are combing every hospital in the bay area no celtic fuck or celtic fuck corpse to be found don't know where he fucking is we're all fretting i go over to my lawyer's house he lives two doors down me and the lawyer we also make up the neighborhood patrol me and the lawyer and our dogs we patrol the hood we walk the dogs burn herbal offerings to the god of the moon talk politics philosophy pussy problems of the world we rarely if ever have spoken about the pope not to my knowledge at least stella she takes care of me she gets me cookies she brings me a glass of milk then about ten thirty

joe perve calls me he says yo i say yo turns out joe perve he up and calls celtic fuck's cell phone he says hello the celtic fuck he says hey what's up joe perve he says well i thought you were dead celtic fuck he says

no shit

joe perve says yeah dude everyone thinks you're dead celtic fuck he says shit i guess i should call celtic sort of but not really kind of ex-wife joe perve he says yeah

i hang up the phone with joe perve i say thanks joe perve talk at you later he says yeah i walk upstairs i tell stella i say celtic fuck ain't dead she says that's good i say yeah

pete says that's some fucked up story i say yeah i hate running up this fucking hill later yeah hey you yeah you do you think i'd really dis you man i just have to make sure you read through to the fucking end i admit it yeah later my man pete he smokes me swimming he fucking swam circles round my phat ass though he big and lanky he gots an advantage

i woke up this morning a fine morning a fine morning indeed the motherfucker he up and died but he didn't i still can't swim in a straight line and all that

Dekalb County Trifecta

oh lawdy lawdy part three of three parts always a difficult thing to finish especially for me as i do like to linger i do like it to last i mean by the third time i can go on and on and on sometimes stop to smoke a cigarette sitting with the schmucks at cards last night figured it was time to finish the story

i won

the cards just settled in front of me looked up winked and said go for it sailor

this morning after attending the church of the roof of the south end rowing club driving home stopped at a traffic light fireman firewoman fireman who is a woman fireman's pants tee shirt shoulder length blonde hair tied back in a pony tail large fireman's ax in her hands she's bringing it up over her head and swinging it down down fiercely down into the asphalt the pointed tip of the ax sinking into the warm tar she's stella nix the blonde hair thing she's stella standing over me in bed ax in hand sinking the sharp tip into my heart

lightening strikes me then i glow

fast forward two three years me stella we're shacked up we're living together we're living in sin we moved to san francisco that's in california we packed up our stuff such as it was crated up two dogs and a stupid fucking cat stella flew i drove had this guy lazal and a big bag of athens home grown riding with me he was over here from israel the middle of his service commitment israel invaded lebanon lazal said i don't think this is what i signed up for he came to the united states of ronnie reagan's america he didn't want to go back

technically i guess i was guilty of transporting an international criminal i felt emboldened by this notion lazal and i we stopped in a little town in kansas russell kansas it was september the braves were in the playoffs against the cards i wanted to see the game we were very stoned we pulled into russell this little fucking town had about three hundred and seventy five different little dive bars within a two block stretch to choose from i told lazal i said listen my man you just sit at the bar with me don't say much drink a couple of beers and have a burger he said yeah okay we sat down at the bar we nodded at four bubbas in overhauls they'd been bailing hay we all looked up at the television set up over the bar

the snow on the screen

two pitches into the game fucking lazal says he points up at the screen turns to me he says loudly in that very cool israeli accent he says what the fuck is this game four bubbas turn in unison give us the eye we get the mandatory where you from boy question from the big bigger biggest bubba one of them gets up stands up he's big he's a big bubba as well lazal he says israel they come up and pat him on the back started talking about how them israeli's were kicking them aa rabs butts over there in lebanon we said yeah how about that they buy us beers we laugh and have a good time the next morning we drove by a sign we drove by this sign next to the highway no town within fifty miles of either direction it said warning hitch hikers may be escaped convicts me and lazal we looked at each other

so fast forward a few years maybe two maybe three ed he is just getting out of business school he is like an associate at some big ass investment bank darryl he is getting out of law school he owes a lot of money me and stella we had moved to san francisco to be with the hippies but this was in nineteen and eighty-two or three and there weren't many hippies left i mean if you went to a dead show or a jerry show or a bobby show they came out of the woodworks otherwise the only ones they were sleeping out on haight street it wasn't that pretty but the punk scene was happening and we lived not very far just around the corner from jello biafra

in nineteen and eighty-four the good reverend jerry falwell he came to san francisco i don't think he came to san francisco to see the hippies he came to san francisco in nineteen and eighty-four to yell at faggots during the democratic convention while mario was inside moscone center giving  one of best speeches in any convention at any time railing against ronnie raygun talking about the founders of this country talking about the truths of this country talking about the responsibility to take care of each other ol' jerry he went up to union square and he set out his podium of hate he spewed venom he came to our city he came into our house and dissed our furniture fuck him so while he was speaking while he was vomiting hatred quite something for a man of the cloth i'd say while he was giving his little classroom lecture this flatbed truck pulled alongside union square on geary street and on this flatbed truck were the dead kennedy's jello biafra included they unleashed holiday in cambodia at fourteen million decibels and ol' jerry he couldn't be heard

he left

and jello became my hero and around the same time that jello became my hero about the time that jello sent the good reverend running from our town with his satan's tail between his legs somewhere around this time my roomie darryl back on the other side of the you ess of aa my roomie darryl he sat on a hill at this place called blossom i think it's in ohio maybe pennsylvania somewhere between pittsburgh and cleveland it's this outdoor concert venue my roomie darryl

he sat on a hill

on a blanket on the grass and he started talking to this girl they did the get to know you thing they the where you live thing they did the where'd you to school thing i mean we were still in our twenties that was a primary question at the time a way to geolocate the one across the table to place up a couple of nice boundaries in order to define the conversation darryl he said emory the girl she said no kidding i have this wild tale about emory this really crazy story

she proceeds to tell this tale the story unfolds before darryl in all its complete insanity she says i have this friend

janet

who used to go to school there she left school came back home after some summer fling with this jerk ended badl not good she was pissed she was really pissed turns out her brother is bad news he's a big time dealer i mean not like selling a few bags i mean not your basic friendly yeah i can get that for you kind of guy i mean warehouse i mean big boxes crates janet she goes to big brother she cries her heart out to big brother she tells big brother what a fuckwad place full of fuckwads is atlanta gee aa she tells big brother that his man he sometimes comes to understandings with up there this guy with whom he has an occasional transactional relationship this guy is sharing an apartment with the jerk so this guy sharing the apartment with the jerk calls down for some ludes big brother fills it up kind of overprescribes the package volume rises about another magnitude above the standard he smudges the address on the outside kind of illegible he puts the real address on the inside very legible he sends it up to atlanta gee aa via fedex

ol darryl he sat on that hill out there in blossom in either ohio or pennsylvania either he didn't tell me or i don't remember him telling me what band played what song during the show he called me the next morning when he woke up three hour time difference phone rang at five thirty that's in the aa em you're not going to fucking believe this

darryl just sat up on that hill going no shit no shit said later it was actually a pretty good story listening to it from the other perspective girl on the hill girl on the hill said i guess those bastards really got theirs eh darryl said he didn't say anything then he said yeah good story she said ever heard anything so crazy darryl said he didn't say anything then he said yeah crazy

the sun went down the music played he went home he went to bed he said he didn't really remember anything after that until he woke up and called me and ed said he thought it had been a nice sunset

fucking revenge end of a story and all that

Jungle Boogie

seventy-two hours in the jungle combat pay is called for i'm on i'm hyped i'm caffeinated i'm bouncing off the wall meetings began sunday morning at nine aa em ended this morning wednesday at two aa em as i left my main man groovedaddy all pumped up on red bull and vodka talking to a homeless dude outside the saint francis hotel talking to this man about licking pussy or rather the finer arts thereof

but i get ahead of myself

we're talking televsion we're talking the business of television we're talking everything from eff connectors to em peg analyzers to god tee vee to queue tee vee to showtime to aitch bee oh to the hustler channel yeah baby it's the annual convention of the national cable television association it has come to san francisco in all its wondrous glory everybody and everyone who has anything to do with this slimy motherfucking industry they are here

and i just love the long legged booth babes that the playboy channel brings along for the fun you can also have one sit in your lap have your picture taken and have said exposing pic emailed to your friends and family don't forget to blind copy your wife

phatmike don't play that game no time for fun and games no time for such shenanigans it's all business baby it's back to back meetings breakfast lunch dinner meetings meetings in the little conference rooms they build into their booths sometimes just standing in their booths looking at their odd assortment of products product literature signs posters and giveaways somtimes while standing in line for coffee sometimes while standing next to them at the urinal sometimes in their hotel suites no i know what you're thinking i didn't find any of those bunnies in the suite meetings my what a sweet meeting that would have been how could i have answered some significant technical question about the manipulation of em peg video not to mention dolby audio whilst my tongue was buried deep trying to manipulate her tonsils from within orifices normally not used for tonsil manipulation

phatmike he put on his duds he had his stack of business cards they say dealmaker they say let's make a deal they say in those immortal words uttered in some stupid tom cruise movie hell all tom cruise movies are stupid except risky business that was both stupid and funny and that last one what was it dancing with samurai tom cruise kevin costner they are the same person all of their movies are dancing with something dancing with race cars dancing with ugly people living on the ocean but looking for land dancing with golfers dancing with jet pilot fighters and bar keepers dancing with your ex-wife while you fuck her in front of rich people not to mention the movie audience in those immortal words

show me the money

phatmike he went to the after the show floor closed parties the first night some of the technology vendors they had parties the second night there was a huge em tee vee party they rented out the fillmore then they sullied the good name of the fillmore by bringing in a second rate lounge act from reno new country band some band called something and dunne they had seven guitarists on stage not including the bass player my man mister bee he said rather he screamed you two they only have one guitarist not counting the bass the dead they only have a couple of guitarists not counting the bass player hell jon spencer blues explosion they only need jon spencer he's fucking hot but this band sucked big convention donkey dicks but

i got myself a free straw cowboy hat with a nice leather band and a little piece of metal with the initials cee em tea scratched across the surface i gave it to one and only daughter

the next night the final night after many many hours of lying cheating conniving er i mean salesmanship we went to see kool and the gang

they be so funky my dick got hard

me my main man groovedaddy and bobby kaye we all went to dinner beforehand we all went to fucking cafe sport up in north beach horrible fucking italian food don't even know why i went there i guess i don't get out much beyond my own hood we drank a bottle of chianti though that wasn't bad we wandered down into washington square stood in the shadow and smoked a wee bit of weed cracking jokes and making fun of everyone in the industry including ourselves mostly ourselves

me and bobby kaye we used to work together me and groovedaddy we used to work together groove used to work for me i hooked groove and bobby kaye up on a deal one time we've all been buds for years now we stood in washington square we smoked kind green bud we walked back through chinatown through the stockton tunnel to the little club on mason where the national cable television association brought a few of us select individuals meaning the important people and us schmucks who managed to finagle passes

on the walk through china town groove once again provided evidence that he is my hero bonafide hero you just don't get true heroes these days i mean bonafide heroes well groove he be the man he be my hero we were telling tales we were talking story and groove he laid a story on us i said hey dude you called me back in february trying to get tickets to the grammies what ever happened did you get them the groove said oh man

that's a long story

bobby kaye said passing the joint to me as we walked up broadway past the city lights book store he said in the shadow of charles bukowski he said

that's oh kay we got a little bit of a walk

groovedaddy he said well yeah you know it was my anniversary a few months ago i was coming home from a trip i was on an airplane returning to my house and home in denver when i realized it was my anniversary i had no present i stopped off at a kinko's near my house bought an anniversary card can you fucking believe that kinko's sells anniversary cards i rented a computer went online and printed out this picture of that fucking chinese theater where they have the grammies i put it in the card wrote we're going to the grammies with a big exclamation mark

me and bobby kaye our jaws dropping not only does this fine piece of humanity this exemplary vessel of heart and soul look a little like jackie gleason he is even living the life of ralph cramdon

groovedaddy he said so magda not only does she go bananas not only does she get so excited about going to los angeles to see all these singers songwriters actors and criminals she gets on the phone and tells her parents tells her sister tells all her friends brags to all her friends my hubby bought me tickets to the grammies this year what did yours get you not only does she do all this she goes out spends a thousand dollars on a new dress got to look good for the grammies

me and bobby kay we say so you had tickets

groovedaddy he said no

groovedaddy he said time went by i started calling everyone that i knew called people in new york called people in elle aa called people in san francisco called everyone i knew hell i even called phatmike

i said i appreciate your faith even though i was not the first one you called

groovedaddy said yeah then the week before the grammies i went on down to elle aa had a couple of meetings down there i stretched it out i stretched it out and stayed the week trying to find tickets i called everyone i knew everyone the friday before the show magda she was flying down that evening i still didn't have any i ended up going by the theater i knocked on the door i talked to the people there i begged the people they said that they couldn't help me they said hey call this guy he's a specialty scalper i said oh kay i called him up he said i got three possibilities there's this one pair of tickets they are platinum tickets they are right down in the first ten rows all the stars sitting around them i said how much he said

twenty-eight thousand dollars

groovedaddy he said he stopped in front of this chinese market on stockton street before the tunnel he took a hit off the joint he said i really had to stop and think if i needed to spend twenty-eight thousand dollars to save my marriage i said what else you got the dude he said i got another pair up in the balcony they're going for twelve thousand dollars i'm thinking this shit is getting better the third pair the seats sucked but they were only three thousand dollars i asked him how much time i had he said better grab them quick fucking scalper i said i'd call him right back i had to go to the airport to pick up the wife i'm on my way to the airport the scalper calls me back says he just got a pair in but he needed cash only seventeen hundred dollars cash i said i'm on the way to the airport to pick up my wife who told her momma she was going to the grammies who told all her best friends and even worse told all her best enemies that her husband had bought her tickets to the grammies for her anniversary and was flying her to elle aa to stay in a grand hotel and go see the grammies that went out and spent a thousand dollars on a dress just in case her momma her best friends and best of all her best enemies happened to see her on television i'm on my way to pick up this woman at the airport and you ask me for cash i'll pay extra just take my credit card so he did he took my credit card

groovedaddy he said

i told this man that my wife was going to cut off my balls have them laminated and hang them from the rear view mirror of the new car that she'd be getting from the divorce proceedings

groovedaddy he said the dude took my credit card i picked up magda we went back to the hotel i told her i had to go to a quick meeting up the road i left here at the hotel i went and got my tickets

me and bobby kaye we say we say when were you going to tell her that you didn't have the tickets if you hadn't got the scapled tickets he said

groovedaddy he said not until we were all dressed and walking down into the theater i would have gone down swinging baby

hollywood swinger baby just like kool and the gang groovedaddy he be my hero he be the ultimate man he be what we all strive to be he be the coolness the koolness under pressure he's the kind of dude who could sit there and defuse a bomb while the seconds ticked away

tick tick tick

cool as a fucking cucumber

he defused that bomb me and bobby kaye we got down on our hands and knees we did the we are not worthy thing he brought his loyal subjects to their feet we walked shoulder to shoulder down through the stockton tunnel we walked into the club we got funky with kool and the gang a little hollywood swinger a little jungle boogie a little get down on it

oh baby can't get enough of that funky stuff

the old dudes left the stage at midnight we walked out down mason street hung a right on geary went into some sleazy bar smoked cigarettes even though you can't smoke cigarettes in any bar or restaurant in san francisco or california for that matter groovedaddy he and bobby kaye drank vodka and red bull for like a solid two hours until they threw us out of the bar we walked back down to union square to the saint francis groovedaddy he lectured the homeless dude on the finer art of licking pussy describing in graphic detail

i had to correct him in a couple of instances

bobby kaye stumbled into his hotel i smoke a joint with groove and his new homeless friend on the steps of the saint francis before wandering over to find my car deep within the depths of the union square parking garage

heroic tales jungle boogie and all that

Dekalb County Deuce

yeah the second part that follows the first part how do you follow such chicanery you don't you go into a funk you go through these disastrous moments these horrible moments shit happens yeah but things really suck when they suck because you are the root cause of such suckiness man oh man yeah janet she moved home to florida yeah like dropped out of school and went home things mainly me just fucked her up she went home i never heard from her again yeah

there was that then

anna

she didn't just leave she just didn't disappear from the picture from the scene she befriended my friends my crowd she stayed around she stayed around she didn't leave she stuck around sometimes

she came by 

sometimes she would be the cold calculating ice bitch sometimes she would be a sad little girl sometimes she would be the wildest fuck ever i mean she totally dumped my ass totally dropped kicked me into the valley of the unwanted but

she still came by

sometimes she came by and just fucking went ape shit on me i mostly just took it every now and then i'd blow up just a defensive kind of thing sometimes she would call me in the middle of night crying and i would drive over and hold her sometimes she came by and fucked my brains out

i loved the way she rode me like a wild cowgirl one hand gently on my chest one arm swinging to keep balance

damn

one time she came by and i cried and my roommate ed he came in he came in and threw her out and then he yelled at me that i needed to stop this shit just don't let her come in i did one better i went home to south georgia for the winter quarter my tail between my legs it's a long story it's another story i'll tell that story one day another day that was a wild three months back in the old swamp after three years in the big city

i came back for spring i returned in the spring the roots nourished over the winter my bud peeked up above the springtime soil my drive back was quite delightful i hitchhiked back up eye seventy-five stopped in tifton she was going to aa back abraham baldwin agricultural college right there in tifton she yvonne she was living in tifton i stayed at her house a couple of nights she yvonne was so fucking cute

damn

i came back to atlanta gee aa i didn't see her anymore i didn't see her anna anymore i didn't deal any weed any longer i focused on my school i focused on my free-style i started going to free-style tournaments i wasn't great but i didn't suck i totally got into my ultimate game my game it went up a few notches i was the total midfielder the total goto short score back corner baby diving out of bounds dragging my feet

i read faulkner's sound and the fury

for the first time

my writing got good i got into a fucking groove i felt liberated i felt free i found stella i mean really found stella i mean we didn't just fuck we soul fucked we would spend days not leaving her room days i lived on her fucking i existed on her fucking but yeah that's another story too i could veer off that way i mean she was and is my life and i could write all day write about nothing but her forever but that ain't what this tale is all about that ain't where this tale is headed

you see i quit dealing dope but i had this roommate darryl and i had this other roommate ed and well ed and i we used to have a little business we used to invest in prime stock and sell it to his frat the teps yeah i lived with a frat boy he was a good man is a good man anyway but ed  and i we quit our partnership i just couldn't do it once i moved back he was cool about it i moved back with ed and darryl we had this great apartment up in decatur

ed he still dealt a little bit he dealt a little weed hey yeah sure i benefited from the weed being around the house so did darryl ed he dealt a few ludes too i would say a number of ludes

turns out well it turns out that ed he was getting his ludes from janet's brother janet's brother who lived in florida and used to send packages up to ed via fedex

yeah go figure

so one day ed is expecting this really big package from florida and he's been waiting all day and around seven o'clock at night i'm in my room studying darryl he's in his room studying there's a knock on the door ed goes to the door he opens the door there's a guy standing there with a fedex package wearing a fedex hat jeans and a jean jacket

shoulda been the clue

ed he's like a happy guy he says holding his arms out laughing he says oh wow i've been waiting for you guys all day i wander out of my room into the hallway i'm wearing a pair of boxer shorts nothing else i'm stoned hey how else do you study my hair's long and shaggy i'm like hey what's up ed he signs the release on the clipboard and when he gives the clipboard back to mister fedex

things sort of go into slowmo

but i don't remember a thing between ed handing back the clipboard and some guy throwing me against the wall sticking a very very big and shiny thirty-eight revolver under my chin and screaming

freeze

like i was going to move a fucking muscle except my bladder is that a muscle maybe that doesn't count well except my bladder yeah no fucking shit i pissed myself just a squirt dripped down my leg to the floor soaking the carpet a bit just a bit fuck i was fucking scared like eyes bugging shaking involuntarily scared i'm scared that this guy is going to shoot me because i can't freeze like he has so politely asked me to do i can't freeze because i'm too fucking scared i'm tripping

then they put me in handcuffs i never heard them say freeze this is the dekalb county police i didn't hear that part they may have said it i don't know

ed darryl me we're up against the wall each with a gun at our throats another three of four cops guns drawn walking through the apartment they come out of my room with about a half ounce of kind green bud we get in the back of the police car this cop in front is screaming at us telling us asking us if we knew how much trouble we were in did we know how much trouble we'd get into for having

ten thousand quaaludes

in our possession yes they were in our possession ed signed for them ed darryl me we all looked at each other ed didn't order ten thousand he maybe ordered a couple hundred max we spent the night in jail darryl me we got thrown into the regular drunk tank we only got tagged with the bag ed he went up to the tank with the real felons

ed had a pack of cigarettes he played checkers with the baddest motherfucker in there ed he let the dude win he did he let him win time after time he gave the big dude cigarettes probably kept his young jewish ass virgin from all the other big but not as big dudes in the cell

me and darryl we had cigarettes we passed them around we made friends they were a kinder gentler sort except the one guy who kept saying over and over again shit shit shit i hope they don't search my trunk i got a pound of cocaine in my trunk he paced the cell in that kind of frantic in an overly coked out sort of way we didn't pay any attention to him after a while

stella came down and bailed me out i worked for law firm i went into see one of the associates at the law firm i used to sell him weed i went into see one of the associates he did me a solid he pled my case i got off pled nolo contendre it's expunged from my record now yeehah darryl he got off he pled nolo contendre it's probably expunged from his record too i don't know i haven't seen darryl in a long time

ed he got this big time famous lawyer big time famous criminal lawyer in atlanta gee aa he'd been on television before he got ed a no-sentence short parole ed he got a seven fifty on his ell ess aa tea's he was probably on his way to serious ivy league law school he ended up going to big time business school instead being that with a record he'd have a hard time getting into the ivy league he ended up going to big time business school he went into investment banking he did a leveraged buyout he's the richest guy i know

ten thousand quaaludes yeah go figure part two and all that