Dekalb County

part one the first part of a three part story us schmucks we were talking the other night my poker schmucks we were trading tales the other night this tale it rose up from the ashes of my mind a fucking phoenix of a thought rising up inside my head it bounced around it bounced around a bit did the bing bang bong ricochet rabbit tongue vibration wiggle wiggle don't you know out my pie hole in between tokes of the pipe in between tokes of this monster jay that the sandman had concocted pre-rolled coconut or palm or bamboo or some kind of funky tropical leaf that is supposed to remind everyman on the street of some sort of philly blunt special pre-rolled pre-filtered all you do is add love and a little kind green bud which sandman did both the former and the latter

dig

smoked like a fucking chimney history unfolds like a slinky

part one summer of nineteen and eighty end of a decade of decadence summer between junior and senior year of college just what did i learn in college hell i don't know i discovered the grateful dead in college i discovered the sex pistols in college i saw the sex pistols in nineteen and seventy-seven freshman year great american music hall in atlanta gee aa god save the motherfucking queen i discovered el ess dee in college i had already discovered mushrooms back home i discovered thomas pynchon in college i discovered tom robbins in college i liked pynchon better but the chicks they did dig the tom robbins thing so i used it to my advantage yes i admit that still life with woodpecker hell still life and my pecker

i learned how to eat pussy in college

i like the taste sort of like honey much sweetness much much sweetness i just love that feel on my tongue i just love that little fluff don't give me that shaved kitty stuff i want to know that i'm with a woman i'm not interested in some little girl kind of pretend kind of act i want a fucking woman if i muff dive i want some muff into which i can dive i want to be sitting in a meeting later in the day and notice the residual tickle of something lost in the act i don't think that i learned much about planning a career in college i mean after i graduated when i looked in the paper at the want ads yeah that's how we did it then that's how we looked for jobs before monster dot fuckng com when i looked in the want ads i never did see an ad that said

wanted english major

college for me was that transitional period between home life and real life it was four years of love and discovery it was the ether it was it just was

part one the first part i had this girlfriend anna we were in love well maybe that's a strong word we were in serious lust i guess you could say that we had an active sex life hell i guess you could say we just fucked a lot we fucked everywhere we fucked here we fucked there we fucked beneath the bushes in piedmont park one time i had to go to the clinic with a sprained ankle we fucked on the hospital bed when the doctor went to get some elastic bandages i got my finger stinky at krogers while she bent over checking out the bananas by the summer of nineteen and eighty we had been going out for a couple of years

she had funny quirks in spite of her horny ways in spite of insatiable appetite she had all sorts of self-imposed morals she used to lecture me on my drug use she thought that the dope dealing that i did on the side was pure evil and she wanted nothing to do with it i mean it wasn't like i was fucking scarface i just sold a little weed out of my dorm room then out of my apartment later

hey it was that seventies post vietnam pre ronnie reagan time of hedonistic bliss

she used to say i don't want you spending that drug money on me and i would say okey dokey that pile of cash over there that's my drug money this cash in my pocket this is my non-drug money she'd smile say thanks and we'd go fuck somewhere i don't think she was the sharpest tack in the box she was definitely not the brightest bulb in the parking lot but this went on for a couple of years during college during my college days i learned a lot about fucking during college maybe i should have majored in it but my school didn't offer it hey they had just started coed dorms a fucking major was probably ahead of the curve

so anna she went away to paris for a summer of school the summer between junior and senior years here i was fucking seventeen times a day for two solid years and all of a sudden she wants to go improve her french she says she tells me right before she leaves on that jet plane she says i hope you'll wait for me the same way she told me she didn't want me spending any dope money on her that same tone of voice she says i hope you'll wait for me she's telling me this while her lips are going on and off of my cock and i say

baby for you anything

she leaves on the jet plane and yeah and yeah i'm not exactly proud of what i'm about to tell you i'm not exactly proud of my actions that summer but that's not the point of this tale it's only part one of a three part story and the third part it doesn't make any sense unless you know the background unless you know the details unless you understand she leaves on that jet plane and i find myself unable to please myself on my own that quality time in the shower just doesn't do it for me for too many days

within a week i'm fucking janet

now janet she is a bonafide nut she is crazy but she is oh my she is oh my she would whip my cream melt my butter stir my jelly roll she had this sort of way where she would just moan but when she moaned it was more like a hmmmmmm her lips would come together her tongue would sneak out just the tip of it and she would go hmmmmmm she had these lovely lovelies with the sweetest little nipples and she was so supple so malleable so so so yes let's say that the summer it was good

and janet could roll a mean doobie

but toward the end of the summer when that jet plane was scheduled to come back from the land of goose livers i decided that i needed to gather up my morals from behind the couch i decided that i needed to step up and do the right thing whatever that right thing happened to be maybe i had seen too many bad movies that summer as well i decided that i needed to fess up to end it all with janet and fess up to anna

i told you that it was not my proudest moment

and thus i did i told janet that we had to cut it off that it was over that we shouldn't be fucking each other any longer she didn't take it too well she kind of went ape shit on me i apologized it was a lame apology i tried that old love the one you're with bullshit she didn't take to that philosophy too well

she didn't talk to me for a while i don't think she ever spoke to me again

anna she was different she came home she came over to my place the first thing she wanted to do was fuck i said well i think we should talk first she said she didn't care she wanted to fuck first i said well ok and well yeah what do you think i did i fell under her spell and let her have her way with me then afterwards i told her i said well i don't know how to tell you this but i feel i should it's the right thing to do i think you should know i hope that we can let this just slide behind us she made janet's ape shit seem like little spider monkey shit she screamed at me said i should have said something before we fucked i said i tried she said i didn't try hard enough i agreed i tried to apologize it didn't go over to well she unbuttoned her shirt and said say good bye to these

she walked out the door maybe that's the day i became a schmuck maybe i became that schmuck at the beginning of the summer maybe i was an innocent victim of circumstance i guess not though

i told you that it was not my proudest moment

i fucked up i just got that smell of pussy on my mind and i couldn't think of anything else i could barely spell my name i could barely drive i could barely

hell i could barely tell the truth and my fucking ended up fucking up a lot of things and i was only twenty years old i was twenty years old and i had already written my first bad romance novel just not on paper

that's part one and all that

 

Tulsa Time

i had barbecue for lunch i had barbecue for dinner i might just have barbecue for breakfast if i have time yeah folks i'm in tulsa

the cute young thang at the golden saddle barbecue grill out near the airport she said smiling up at me with that low cut blouse daring me to peek and big old rock on her finger i bet some huge bubba was sitting outside in his truck just waiting for someone to take that dare he's just thumping in his truck snorting a little meth and jamming to def leppard just thumping in his truck waiting to stomp the first man who takes the dare i take the dare jesus i'm only human she said

why y'all say pea can i always say pea kahn

i smile and say excuse me not because i didn't hear her but because i did i just wanted to capture her song

she said you know you said pea can pie we say pea kahn pie here said yeah and tried to get a peek when she turned to yell my order back to the cook

the sign at the airport the one at the beginning of the security line where the jolly old tea ess aa man took my eye dee joked with me about how his driver's license didn't look like him either i wanted to joke back with him but since i also had a little friend in my carry on my sweet little mary jane since i in these days and times of imminent danger from terrorists both from abroad and from within when they will search not only your suitcase but remove your fillings and search your cavities for only the minor crime of releasing flatulence vaguely reminscent of the previous evening's hummous i decided to smile and just give him a big laugh and said yeah bad hair day he looked like a walmart greeter with a different uniform he laughed with me his being genuine and infectious so mine became genuine as well damn i wish i could feel so good at six aa em in the morning

six aa em tulsa time

the sign said warning the secretary of homeland security i mean come on how fucking orwellian is this terminology this baby naming might as call the fucker the protector of the fatherland the sign at the airport said that the secretary of homeland security had determined that the port au prince airport in haiti did not have security standards that are up to snuff with those outlined by the united states government i looked around at the morning sprinkling of cowboy hats and big belt buckles and wondered

how many were flying to port au prince

none of them looked too worried so i decided not to be worried either lots of big people here in tulsa i mean i don't think that i can rightfully say that i am making this conclusion after a taking a true scientific sampling of the population because i didn't take a sampling that is but there does seem to be an overabundance of rather large people and i just got to say that it is my unbiased opinion that in the further classification of this large group of large people most of them tend to be of the female persuasion

jack spratt syndrome strikes the heartland

large women i mean i dig a woman with a little something extra i do love a little more cushion for the pushin don't you know it i'm down with that taj mahal song about loving those big legged women i am just so afraid of skinny women myself i'm afraid that i might break 'em you know just like a wishbone i mean come on you know what i mean when you are in that height of passion and all inhibitions have just flown out the window and you stand up on the side of the bed because you just got to get a little more leverage and you hold those legs up by the ankles that is not a time to be worrying about breakin' 'em  that is not a time to be worrying about hurtin' your honey snapping off a wing no don't give me no skinny women when it is that time when it is time for unadulterated jelly jiggle joy

you know it must be jelly cause jam don't shake that way

i see a skinny woman i offer her my mashed potatoes i buy her a twinkie i say baby please you got to eat something that sticks but these women they are off the scale grain fed looking to breed in all their christian duty i mean i give them the old inspective eye up and down and around reminds me of the yo momma joke youngest son tells he says yo momma so big when she sits around the house she sits around the house he places special emphasis on the second around if you know what i mean i still give them the old once over can't let an opportunity to think a perverted thought just pass by hell it is six oh five in the morning

tulsa time

and i'm just not up for thinking thoughts of world peace and democracy or em peg two technology i'm only up for raw thoughts basic instincts as it is and like any male of the species when i first look at a woman no matter who she is hell she could be lynn fucking cheney barbara fucking bush oprah fucking winfrey i could write these all day it doesn't matter i have to think hmmm i wonder how she might be i wonder what kind of fuck she is i'm an equal opportunity pervert i find some redeeming method in which i'd like to have sex with just about any woman my only critieria is willingness

enthusiasm helps

just how large are those tits all trapped in that brassiere that probably uses more fabric than the island of haiti can produce in a month i'm jealous of jack spratt

but i don't think that these women are going to haiti something just tells me that they are on commuter flights to little rock and san antonio and lubbock and san angelo and omaha and des moines

i once went to des moines and took a tab of ecstacy i was much younger then now i hear they are looking to slip some ex to old folks on death's doorsteps so that they can go gently into that good night ain't that special

no i don't think that these women are going to haiti i don't think their jacks are going either but i do admire their belt buckles elton john played a concert in oklahoma city last night guy i was in a meeting with had to leave early he was driving from tulsa down to oh kay see with the wife to see elton i just couldn't picture old bill standing on his seat in the fifteenth row wearing a feather boa holding up his lighter and singing along to rocket man him and ten thousand other

cowboys celebrating the gay lifestyle

it does kind of bring a tear to my eye speaking of the gay lifestyle i drove by oral roberts university yesterday very impressive pair of hands in prayer i'd say they must have been twenty-five thirty feet high bronze right out front big sign underneath saying oral roberts university that's how i knew that i was there that i was there at oh are you i wanted to stop sit beneath those hands smoke a big phattie and wait for the oral spirit to strike me but i had to get ed to the airport he was a little anxious about getting to his flight

me i had missed my flight i was staying the extra night one hundred nineteen dollars extra for the privilege of staying an extra night in tulsa hilton garden court hotel i left half a joint in the bible if you happen to be in room one forty-seven open your bible to psalm fifty-one no significance mind you i wish i could say it was the psalm that sings praises to all of the kind green bud that the goddess has blessed this earth with but i didn't i just opened the bible and placed the half-smoked joint inside noticed that it was psalm fifty-one didn't read it all the way through but the jist of the verse was some sort of praise some sort of illumination of one of god's great works

psalms being what it is dig

the woman at the front desk last night she wasn't very nice maybe she had had a bad day you just never know so i didn't want to write her up in the official guest comment card but i felt compelled to memorialize such an attitude in some small manner

so it is thought so it is done

i remember a story years ago about oral roberts locking himself up in some tower maybe it was called the tower of light or something like that some story about oral roberts locking himself up in his tower of light and telling his loyal followers that he was not going to come out until they donated some sinful amount of money to his cause sure enough some rich guy stepped forward and gave him the money i'm hoping that he gave him the money just to shut him up and take him out of the newpapers i'm thinking of starting my own church the church of the roof of the south end rowing club i don't need to be pope or archbishop or lower bishop my church would be more egalitarian i'd like some recognition though you know something that puts a little spotlight on my good works i'd settle for deacon i'd like to be known as

brother mike esteemed deacon of the church of the roof of the south end rowing club

i think my church will be one of those drug-crazed sex-oriented cults until we gain just a little bit of notoriety then we will settle into some semblance of mainstream normalcy

sort of like the scientologists i wonder if i can recruit tom cruise i'm going to lock myself up in one of those video booths down at the local porn shop until tom decides to join

psalms being what it is dig didn't get to see much of tulsa flew in the previous night went straight to the hotel caught up on my email hadn't been on all day got the jones going smoked half a joint watched a little elimidate and got funky with myself got up way too early two hour time difference smacked me upside the head tulsa being on central time meaning all the tee vee shows come on an hour earlier when i was a kid growing up on the east coast and the voice on the tee vee would say eight o'clock eastern seven o'clock central i wondered if that meant everything was an hour earlier i mean was lunch at eleven instead of twelve got up way too early went to a meeting and speaking of which talked about television

they fed us barbecue for lunch i asked for the extra hot sauce i went up a notch in their respect they take their hot sauce seriously in oklahoma but this hot sauce wasn't that hot kind of disappointing i mean one time i was at this indian restaurant in san francisco the ganges vegetarian place over near kezar i ordered some dish some curry that i can't spell or pronounce i had my choice of five levels of heat the waiter suggested a two i ordered a three he brought it out it wasn't very hot i asked if it could be upgraded to four it then had a slight kick to it i asked to be further upraded to a five this waiter probably got a little peeved went back to the kitchen and decided that it was time to fire up the honky

i shit vicious brimstone for three days

so i didn't complain about how hot the hot sauce was in tulsa don't tell me that you can't teach an old dog new tricks i'm living proof it's fucking darwin baby adapt or perish

meeting went late missed my flight as i so eloquently described above rushed ed to the airport found myself a hotel with an unfriendly person at the desk like i said she probably had had a bad day by the time i went out to explore the city it was late i was hungry and so i just ended up at the golden saddle

didn't get to see much of tulsa but i had been to tulsa in the past once smoked a joint on the pedestrian bridge that crossed over the arkansas river talked with a man who lived there he was pulling an oxygen tank he had been in the navy sailed into san francisco once well alameda he confessed he said he had fond memories

i wondered then as i do now i wonder if that meant he got laid

didn't see much of tulsa this time i'll be back though i'm not done with you yet mister tulsa oil capital of these here united states of america a lot of things named phillips around here well anyway

tulsa time barbecue psalms being what it is and all that

 

Cafe Muse

little cafe around the corner eighth near fulton it's not my favorite not one of the more famous infamous it's not holy grounds it's not cafe trieste it's not java beach it's not martha's it's not organic grounds it's not common grounds it's not one of those funky little bohemian cafes down in the mission that i don't even know the name of anymore because i quit being cool about ten years ago no it's not one of those but hey it's only two blocks from my house and it's right across from the eighth avenue entrance to the park there is no longer a tenth avenue entrance to the park because they decided that a parking garage would be more appropriate no it's not one of those but it's close by cuda and i usually take a walk through the park down through the redwoods across and through the playground and out eighth avenue to cafe muse used to be owned by this wiccan mystical hippie chick or the cult she belonged to now it's owned by this nice asian woman she changed it a bit not in ways that i necessarily like but i guess in ways that suited her i mean i still go there just not as much as when it was owned by the wiccan hippie chick she used to wear a lot of loose flowing garments that gracefully showed off her most lovely breasts

cuda sits out front and waits for me

there's usually one or two of the local campers sitting out front at one of the tables smoking a cigarette having a cup of coffee i get my own coffee and sit out there with them at times read my newspaper not exactly with them as in gathering around and sitting with them chatting about old times and the weather but with them in the manner that i sit at the next table reading my newspaper of course i listen to them they are usually much more interesting than the news itself one of them funny how she's a them one of them that i see from time to time and who stella and i sometimes chat with when she's at her perch in front of the safeway she has two dogs of her own a couple of pit bulls seems to be the dog of choice among the campers these particular pups fairly mellow pups for pit bulls that is the local ess pea see aa calls them saint francis terriers saying that they get a bad rap being pit bulls and all that cuda doesn't seem to mind them she's got thirty forty pounds on them easily and bigger teeth she ignores them

the lady the camper she sat outside cafe muse the other day she is disabled don't know if permanently doesn't seem to get better over time seems to have one seriously fucked up leg she is on disability really not enough to live on here in san francisco she makes her home in the park somewhere she and her two dogs sometimes there's a guy with her not always the same guy but sometimes there is a guy with her she sometimes sees a doctor at san francisco general about her leg they say she needs some sort of surgery and a lot of rehabilitative therapy but it is deemed elective surgery she can't afford it i guess she elects not to have the surgery

i mean i don't know if she's telling me the truth or not she has no incentive to lie to me she has no incentive to tell me the truth either i wonder i wonder if it matters really

she has one crutch

i don't know her name we chat sometimes funny i recognize her she usually doesn't recognize me she usually recognizes cuda sometimes she recognizes stella

there's another guy another camper maybe we should call this lovely group the pioneers there's another guy there sometimes tall skinny guy his hair might be red can't really tell might have been a while since it was properly washed since it was properly attended to scraggly beard hygiene being what it is when you are a pioneer

i can't tell how old he is

he says he went to eye rack back in the previous century defending the kooo waities from sad man's aggression back in the first war of sad man's aggression unless you count when he invaded eye ran then that would make the kooo waitie war his sad man's second war of aggression but that time he was on our side so maybe we can't call it that in this year's history book he my pioneer he says he went to eye rack back in the previous century came back got sick the vee aa cut him off told him he wasn't sick he says if he ain't sick why is his skin all peeling off why does he pee blood

i don't know if he's telling the truth or not he has no incentive to lie to me he has no incentive to tell me the truth either i wonder i wonder if it matters really

he doesn't use a crutch he doesn't have a dog he's got an old knapsack looks like it came from the army surplus store

i don't know his name i never chat with him i just overhear him when i'm reading the paper he doesn't know my name either

i don't recollect any senator or congressman sitting outside cafe muse talking to either of them asking about her welfare asking about his health asking if she is being treated like a human being you know showing concern about the sanctity of human life yeah oh kay oh kay admittedly i've done little to alleviate human suffering myself i mean my career hasn't exactly been blazing a path to cure cancer save the whales feed the poor protect the innocent

but come on television is very cool everyone loves television what's not to like about television

yes i know but i guess we all try we try within our own means within our own ways a kind word a dollar here a few coins there a few hours of time every now and then yes i admit it but

i don't recollect any senator or congressman sitting outside cafe muse i don't recollect any of them requesting a video tape of some random morning hell of some staged morning outside cafe muse i mean the woman with two pits she ain't the only one the eye racky veteran he ain't the only one yeah there's no lack of attendees she's not he's not there everyday there are others there are others can't really give all of them a dollar a few coins don't have that much i guess we all have our favorites seems even congress has their favorites eh

who is a person that would cry foul

i think that i will have dee en are tattooed across my forehead and on my butt will be tattooed the words keep your so called saintly hands off this ass is for kissing only i will notate around each orifice do not insert foreign objects unless directed to do so by the owner and done so of his own accord

who is a person that would cry foul who is this million dollar baby existing down in florida that everyone is so interested in i wonder if those old white men in washington i wonder if they get their way and that pipe is shoved back down her throat i wonder if they will also vote to make sure everyone else that is no more fortunate than she to make sure that they are also taken care of i wonder if they will vote to let the pit bull lady get her surgery maybe they will maybe they won't i wonder if they will vote to give back benefits to the eye racky vet maybe they will maybe they won't

i mean i don't know this woman in florida wouldn't know her if she were jesus christ himself herself standing right next to me in line at chino's taqueria if she were lying on a blanket in the redwoods across from my house i probably would only glance her way in a mildly curious fashion she would be only one of several that travel through these parts i don't know if she wants to die or not i don't know i can only hope that her husband truly loves her loves her like i love stella i can only hope that her husband truly loves her and is trying to do what she wants and i can only hope that her parents truly love her as well and they are trying to do the right thing it's a horrible situation it's a horrible thing they have been fighting for a long time the ones closest to the situation i'm hoping that they somehow can figure out what to do i mean until now i've only paid slight attention to this quote case unquote and only in that morbid sort of way that seeps through all of us i guess on one occasion or another or another 

people magazine left in the seat back on the airplane thumbed through at the checkout line

i don't know her i doubt if senator frist knows her either although i saw him on tee vee last night he said that he saw a video tape and that in his expert medical opinion miss florida vegetable queen two thousand five can recover quite nicely thank you and that it was his duty as a doctor to step in and save her i wonder if mister frist doctor frist i wonder if he stops to feel the forehead of some feverish soul hanging out in the park across the street from the capitol i wonder if that is his duty as well

who is a person that would cry foul who is this moral compass for us all that asserts power over life and death he must be a powerful king a powerful god he must indeed be almighty i guess that even jesus himself was just a man damn i wonder if he glows in the sunlight i wonder if an aura surrounds his big old fucking head i bet there is i mean only such a god would come between a man and his wife between a woman and her family only such a son of david would have the wisdom let alone the temerity to extend the hand of power

solomon baby i wonder if he got laid a lot i hear such wisdom is really a turn on with the chicks i bet ol' senator frist must get laid a lot himself i mean zeus he fucked every maiden that tickled his fancy yeah sure every now and then he disguised himself as a goat in order to get close i bet mister frist doctor frist has used the goat trick one or two times himself

pit bull lady she seems in pretty good spirits most of the time she's not in a coma though just got a bum leg two dogs a little bad luck yeah i'm sure her luck will turn one way or the other or the other

who is a person that would cry foul a little bad luck and all that

 

Walking through Jerusalem

my man pete he gave me a cee dee he made me a special birthday cee dee maybe he didn't even know it was my birthday just one of those coincidences in life one of those karmic events maybe it was just a bright moment he called it he called this cee dee hillbilly gospel i've got it in my car it's played through about five or eight times since thursday youngest son hangs his head out the window he don't like it too much nobody doing beat box on the hillbilly gospel cee dee

one and only daughter she was digging through old pictures don't know what she was looking for maybe she was looking for my stash but i have that hidden where i sometimes forget about it kind of a nice surprise when i do come across it a couple months later i'm like a fucking dog with its bones bury one here bury another there always thinking i'll come back and find it one and only daughter she was digging through some old pictures she brought up this picture of

me and my buddy steve and this girl i used to hang with becky she had blonde hair steve had blonde hair too but that's not really pertinent to this tale unless it ends up being one of those unconscious latent homosexual endings i never know when i start one of these things where they will end up i'm holding a beer leaning on my nineteen seventy-one barracuda with three-eighteen cubic inches of love and anger

get in touch with god turn your radio on get in touch with god

i'm standing there with hair down around my shoulders just wearing a pair of shorts no shirt smoky photo grey glasses i forget how fucking tanned i used to get way back then those few drops of cherokee blood from great great grandma kept me dark in that south georgia sun i'm wearing a straw hat

becky's wearing a halter top steve's eyes are glowing red not photo red

one and only daughter wanted a story dust on the bible dust on the holy word of all the other books you'll find there's none salvation holds get the dust off the bible and redeem your poor old soul she wanted a story i couldn't tell her the whole story i just told her that we were at a bluegrass festival it must have been the summer of nineteen seventy-eight summer between freshman and sophomore year that's the summer i hung with becky

that's the summer i tripped so many times i decided i didn't need to trip again i mean once you see god shake his hand share a few forgotten words no reason to go back until it's time until he's gone to the trouble of calling directly mushrooms were abundant that summer in south georgia they were available for the price of a little gas in the cuda a little book knowledge a little field knowledge and little fear of rock salt

yeah well okay so yeah i did trip again but it wasn't for another couple of  years or three and new orleans was involved but that was later different time different life this was before and so

one weekend we got together steve and me and becky we got together on a friday afternoon took off toward white springs florida where the suwanee river flows stephen foster memorial park they used to hold these bluegrass festivals down there they'd last the entire weekend start on friday night go all day saturday then a

gospel music sunday morning

drove through a south georgia north florida summer afternoon rain summer showers yes how sweet on a clear sabbath morning to list to the clear ringing bell it's tones so sweetly are calling oh come to the church in the dell about a half hour after the rain ended we pulled over near the back wooded side of a small cow field that steve and i knew about quite the sleuths we were the mushroom explorers the kit carsons of fungus we crawled through the barbed wire fence we explored we farmed we were gatherers not hunters

the way those magic fungi just spring forward so soon after the rain pushing through piles of cow shit popping up in just such short order crying out for us to claim their magic consume their powers it is indeed a castaneda moment gatherers not hunters

we picked our self-determined allotted quota never picked more than we could personally consume code of honor among pickers in south georgia we picked our quota proceeded on down to white springs a couple of journey joints a couple of beers to tide us over on the drive the cuda roared down highway forty-one just like in the allman brother's song except it was a barracuda not a greyhound bus although one could argue that we were

on our way to be reborn that's why i'm happy yes i'm happy on my way rejoicing and singing his praises everyday for jesus is near me and there he will stay that's why i'm happy yes i'm happy on my way pulled into the campsite before dark pitched a couple of small tents in a site beneath a large magnolia tree right in between an old couple with one of those fancy camper trailers and a hippie couple with sleeping bags rolled out in the back of a sixty-three chevy sidestepper

needed a paint job little bit of rust running alongside the wheel wells

we listened to music that whole night the whole night long watched them play on stage we danced stomped in the dust until midnight then hung out til three four in the morning sitting around various campfires wandering through the camp talking to those we knew those we recognized but couldn't remember and those we had no fucking clue about hippies rednecks church-goers steve me and becky later that night guess it was morning in the tent i loosened that halter top and i loosened her shorts and i picked her banjo while the fiddles moaned outside til dawn when

we all went skinny dipping in the suwanee big rope swing hanging from a big live oak out over the river rednecks with farmer's tans hippie chicks with big flopping tits swinging out in the bright north florida sun screaming swinging dropping into the black water scaring the hell out of catfish and gators alike

late afternoon fire going boiling down the mushrooms truck camping couple wandered over we smoked a joint or three we all peered into the skanky solution i dumped in a package of sweetened grape kool aide didn't help but just couldn't stand the thought of choking that shit down without some sweetener of sorts poured off five equal parts let it cool just a bit held our nose gulp gulp gulp about ten minutes later i walked back to one side of the magnolia becky went to the other

we puked smiled fetched a beer

wandered the camp steve went off with the hippie couple for a while me and becky wandered around walked down to the river walked up to the stage might have been the front porch string band that night they played a corinna corinna that melted my soul melted my fingers too i held becky later that night held her rocked her listened to her fears listened to her heart listened to god strumming the fine hairs on the back of her neck the bands left the stage dispersed throughout the camp we found an old fiddle player keeping time with a young fiddle player we found an unbroken circle we played with their fire their fire played with us and we walked the camp walked the camp we walked through jerusalem just like john then the sun came up and it was sunday

gospel music sunday morning walking through jerusalem just like john

every bluegrass festival sunday morning reserved for god and singing his praises always started with sunday morning vespers sunday morning vespers on sunday when the church bells start ringing they're ringing for you and me let's all gather round the alter and pray that our souls be free i'll meet you in the church on sunday morning

we kicked back me and becky we held each other while they sang to us while they played for us we were filthy campground dirt caked on our bare feet smudged on our legs our arms dirt beneath our fingernails all sorts of people gathered around us we sang hymns we sang in harmony we sang out of harmony we clapped we yee hawed we yahoo'd we got up kicked up some dust singing his praises

today i listened to peter's cee dee i sung those praises all over again i looked at that picture that one and only daughter discovered she laughed at my long hair she gave me the sly wink glancing at becky i sung those praises turned the radio on and got right with god it rained today here in san francisco and i sang those praises and didn't worry about nothing at all didn't worry about nothing at all

singing those praises walking through jerusalem and all that

 This Old Man

this old man he played forty-six he played knick knack with two thai sticks with a knick knack paddy whack give a dog a bone this old man came rolling home

yeah it's my birthday and all that

 Bootylicious Springtime

hey hey hey what a day what a day did my usual morning routine got up read the paper checked my email sent some email done with that shit by seven drove down to aquatic park stretched did a run thought my friend noah was going to have a fucking  heart attack started wondering how pissed off noah's lovely wife would be if he died trying to keep up with my studly stride he survived we that is me noah and my man pete then went in for a dip for a dip for a dip swam outside the cove down the seawall fucking seagull dropped a tennis ball from the wall down upon my swimming self missed me but it did surprise me where did the fucking sea rat get a tennis ball and why did said creature bring it to the seawall to drop on me

can you answer me that god

sauna shave shower and on my way baby got bizness to attend to got deals to deal got got got a proposition to make

waiting for the trolley glorious morning waiting for the trolley the eff line goes through fisherman's wharf and around the embarcadero ride it around to the ferry building some rather large shall i say fat shaved head geek with a cell phone is telling mysterious guest on the other line that he shouldn't think the world is out to get him he was sorry that he deleted his password he would attend to it he couldn't right now he was on the train old touristy dude telling anyone who would listen that he used to be in the navy on a submarine he was going to take a tour on the pampanito a docked submarine that they use to draw midwestern tourists like said submariner take their money hey someone has to pay for the recruiting expenses someone has to pay for the fucking blue angels

ferry building all sparkling get off at the ferry building brilliant burning blaze of a sun hanging ten in the blue sky half naked teenage boys on skateboards tearing it up some screeching down jumping flipping their boards landing others waiting their turns cigarettes hanging limply from their morning lips old man sitting on the bench going through these tourette-type maneuvers a jerky tai chi pantomime of some sorts for some distant audience

cute young thangs walk by there she is oh yeah i'm a tit man yeah no there she is i'm an ass man oh my oh my who cares she so pretty lips so sweet sweet young thang ess why tea goes running by baby let me chip in and buy you a jogging bra you're going to put your eye out swinging those things around

tourists wearing support our troops tee shirts when i run like this morning when i run i wear support my balls jock strap can't be having these babies swinging free during my athletic pursuits such as they are they're hanging free now post run post swim baby i'm a boxer man myself for those of you taking notes support our troops

just what the fuck does that mean

maybe it means let's take all the poor motherfuckers from the last fucking gulf war eye rack numero uno let's take all these poor mofo's and take away their benefits i mean ain't that what george already did oh yes before i forget to say

fuck you george fuck you and your daddy

support our troops support our troops just what the fuck just what the fuck support does that mean our troops i get dizzy from the orwellian implications of such doublespeak i reel from the inside out nature of our new language no child left behind in his press conference he said george said he said spread freedom i mean shit is that like spreading cream cheese just what the fuck does that mean what is freedom what is it

yeah yeah i know

before we went over there and blew the shit out of the country those poor iraqis they couldn't write such things as this we are free because we can write down these words we can write down something like

fuck you george fuck you and your daddy

and not go to jail although you can't go to a speech given by the president of the united states wearing a tee shirt that the secret service doesn't appreciate they will ask you to leave and if they don't they will arrest you i know i know had they the iraqis written some fuck you to saddam he'd have them killed that's a horrible thing that's a tragic thing maybe we should remind those thousands that are now dead hey buddy wake up you're free now check out all this fucking liberty ain't it worth it

i don't see george having his lovely daughters sign up to suit up ship out go shoot some what do they call them now ah yes insurgents i don't see george doing this hell when it was his time he didn't suit up ship out and go shoot some now what they call them then right communist gooks war has always been this way

i'd like to help george's lovely daughters try on a jogging bra or two i might even like to see them in a uniform i bet they would look so very sexy in camouflage so very sexy jenna baby go suit up in that special outfit oh my oh my and as my man frankie zappa god rest his soul used to say i promise not to cum in your mouth but

i got some liberty i'd like to spread all over that pretty face

i do love san francisco in the spring time all those lovely lasses lovely asses unleashed from their winter attire yes baby set them free let those thangs breathe walked in some place to get coffee pretty lady sitting at the table let me know she had on yellow cotton panties caught me looking crossed her legs blushed i smiled that grateful smile ordered my coffee i'm in my very dry double cappuccino phase this month but i recently discovered a great coffee joint cafe lo cubano free wireless and they serve the best cafecito if you are desperate they will make you a pitcher i try to stay mellow stick to a double thanks great cuban sandwiches

not as good as the one that i had down at the embarcadero for lunch discussing a deal cutting a deal okay okay send me a writeup we'll do it we want an exclusive in this market well i need you to perform at this level this is the discount you provide support good sandwich pressed down hard hot and spicy shook hands

walked up and over the hill to cafe trieste had a coffee with my partners discussed our upcoming trip had to go grab a table outside two people started cranking it up on accordians electrified no less in the middle of the afternoon walked on down columbus too close to take the bus too nice out walked on down past washington square some old asian men doing tai chi under a shade tree an old drunk holding yesterday's bouquet of roses trying to step along with them worth the seventy-seven cents that i threw into his coffee stained paper cup

walked on down columbus stopped in at tower records bought me a cee dee had to get a new copy of rahsaan roland kirk's bright moments today was full of bright moments mostly in the form of bootylicious springtime madness on through the cannery stopped by the club the south end rowing club my church my synagogue my sanctuary recently renovated stopped by the club because i can't take in that much coffee and just keep it all in i guess i could have stopped along the way it's just that

i feel comfortable pissing at the south end

home away from home that it is new renovation new day room you can see forever can't see to iraq pointing in the wrong direction but i can see the golden gate bridge and alcatraz and angel island and the belvedere hills and on around and on around

walked on around aquatic park to the car drove on around to the house day was done

bootylicious springtime and all that

 

Bright Moments

yeah the water is getting good now the water is getting good

abnormally warm for this time of year

must be bout fifty-six shouldn't be fifty-six hell gets any warmer the fucking tourists might start getting ideas i don't like it too crowded out there me and my man pete we met down at the bottom of van ness stretched a little the sun was coming up bright yada yada you know i could give you the sixteen year old girl gloriousness of the sunrise symbolic as it shines through sailboats rocking on the water ah must mean something i guess i just did we stretched a little ran out down to the end of the pier around the little building that was a concession stand of some sorts maybe a bait shop somewhere's over in younder yore back around and up the hill going up to fort mason

i hate that fucking hill we circle down around the field come across the statue of phil burton san francisco legend state legislature in the sixties seventies fucking owned it said this about special interests and their money and the access it buys them phil said bullshit we take their money we eat their food and we fuck their women what's the big fucking deal

we come back around we circle around to phil again we call the couple of miles that we run before we swim we call it doing a couple of phils me and pete we hold phil in high regard one of the last great politicians spiritual leader of the left at least he told the truth well most of the times

yeah the water is getting good it still tingles but only in the first few seconds then it's over and under and kickeroo out to the opening man that was a tough push big flood took me almost twenty minutes to get out to the opening i mean i'm by no means the fastest swimmer in fact i'm pretty fucking slow sort of in a turtlish manner but i dig it anyway so like twenty minutes is a long time even for me that's the point a big flood we tried to swim outside big push big push man

swimming against the tide

is tough especially against the big flood we swam a solid ten minutes against this push maybe went fifty yards maybe more but not much more swimming against the tide is fucking tough but

it's pretty cool when you just turn and swim with it can't get to where you can swim with it until you swim up against it a little every day we're getting our springtime strength back the water is warmer we'll beat back the push a little at a time make it halfway to fort mason

catch the big tide back almost like surfing bright moments

sat around a poker table later friday night with some of my good friends they're schmucks they're fucking schmucks but they are gentlemen and i love 'em for that they're also ugly and disgusting well except for my lawyer he's very well groomed i wouldn't have my lawyer any other way so we played poker and well let me tell you let me tell you i do not advise playing poker on the same day as the funeral of an old friend i mean i mean it was very tough swimming up that stream

i made one bad decision after another after the first four hands had to dig in my pocket twice before i said whoa baby i'm just swimming up stream here big tide big fucking tide i took a deep breath started playing the table stopped pulling for that last fucking card ain't a good idea to pull for that last card unless you came riding in on a big wave of luck so i just took a deep breath and caught the tide back in started winning a couple of hands

good thing too because i always smoke cigarettes when i'm losing at cards i got to quit that shit one of these days i'm hoping stella will put me out of my misery before any cigarette can kill me i'm sure that i'm going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and it might be in the kitchen and she might have a knife in her hand slicing a tomato and i just might say the wrong thing and bada bing it's quick i'm sure of that much stella she ain't cruel she wouldn't let it hurt she'd make it go quick but sometimes she does overreact i think it will be rather romantic  i mean she won't go postal on just anyone she's really gotta love you to feel safe enough to go there i'm there for her hey baby i'll take a knife for you you got my heart do with it as you may bright moments

good thing but i still lost way too much money i never lose i mean in all honesty i usually leave with more in my pocket than i come with but i got an old fashioned ass whupping friday night ain't had one like that since my daddy whipped me and my little brother on the side of the road whipped us for fighting in the back of the car on some long drive he had about as much as he could stand i understand now believe me with three almost grown rug rats in the house i know he my daddy he made us go cut our own switch fuck got an old fashioned ass whupping friday night the only reason it's a good thing is that i just didn't lose as much as i could have lost bright moments

rahsaan roland kirk he spoke of bright moments he said bright moments is like seeing something you ain't ever seen in your life and you don't have to see it but you know how it looks he said bright moments is like hearing some music that ain't nobody else heard and if they heard it they wouldn't even recognize that they heard it because they been hearing it all their life

catch the big tide back almost like surfing bright moments

rahsaan roland kirk he talked about all sorts of bright moments i just heard for the first time heard him speak the other day for the first time not him live he's dead too no it was a recording they played it at phatmike's funeral

my friend phatmike are he died my friend phatmike are he used to answer the phone when he answered the phone he would say bright moments not hello or this is phatmike like he might at work no he would say bright moments and i never knew why he answered it that way i just thought it was one of those things one of those wacky cool things he would think up never knew the meaning of it

at the funeral his best friend in life he stood up and explained it to us he told us about phatmike are's life plan and this life plan was filled with lots and lots of bright moments

i caught one friday with my man pete we caught the tide back almost like surfing bright moments i caught one later with the schmucks playing a few hands of cards bright moments i catch one every time i think of another way that stella is going to take me out bright moments

yeah what the fuck fucking eh bright moments and all that

Too Many Fucking Eulogies

ah geeze ah shit the bullets they fly by they fly by they haven't hit me yet but baby i'm still nimble i'm still agile i'm still lucky as hell i guess the bullets fly by and they just seem to bounce off yeah first the old man decided he'd had enough decided to take a nap and not wake up it hurt it hurt deep still hurts deep been trying to talk about it been trying to write about it been trying to think my way through it been trying to feel my way through it been trying been trying still trying probably be trying tomorrow the next day the next day the next day after that

got an email a fucking email for chrissake opening line it is with deep sorrow that i have to inform you ah geeze ah shit

used to work with this guy brilliant guy we worked at this management consulting firm sounds fucking hoity toity yeah management consultant let me tell you strategy let me tell you market entry shit i got your entry for you right here baby used to work with this guy brilliant guy about ten years ago maybe a dozen years ago actually i worked for this guy for a while he was the dude he was tight taught me a lot about the business thing is

we had the same name

his middle initial though was are mine it was still is double-you as in wallace fine southern name old southern name his middle initial was are we'd go to meetings together we'd introduce ourselves he'd say hello my name is phatmike i'd say hello my name is phatmike we'd make a joke about it brothers with ignorant parents hey i'm ed this is my brother ed and my other brother ed

we traveled around together we hung out in toronto we hung out in new york we hung out in washington dee cee we were yin and yang he a harvard undergrad stanford em bee aa me a simple bee aa from georgia state he the intellectual me the street-wise business guy he was finesse i was braun it worked we convinced people that we had the shit had the shit

yeah well shit the motherfucker went and died

we had the shit i couldn't really stand management consulting hey let me let me let me show you the way like we're fucking moses or something fucking useless almost as bad as being a fucking lawyer at least i wasn't reading and writing contracts all day i guess i left after a year went out to start my own company he stayed behind he was the penultimate consultant he was refined bright brilliant polished fucker went and got a brain tumor fucker probably had too many cycles spinning up there burned his brain too hot

i left him there he waved goodbye we kept up at first caught lunch told jokes about the people still in the office made fun of customers he left eventually and tried to start his own business i advised him gave him advice it's different on the outside doing rather than consulting we kind of lost touch hadn't seen him in two three years got a phone call from our mutual friend jim back in november hey your namesake he's not doing well he's not doing well seems he's come down with something seems he has this tumor thing floating around his head

wife three kids

seems he had this tumor thing floating around his head his funeral is tomorrow we me and jim we went over to see him about three weeks ago drove up into the oakland hills he was in a wheelchair he couldn't talk much he nodded at some comments he didn't really have much facial expression so we talked me and jim we talked we told stories we showed him pictures of our kids we left behind some flowers for his wife we left behind some candy and stuff for the kids we left behind some good feeling hopefully we also left behind some fear he's our age geeze there but the grace of god i guess eh fucking eh fucking eh

phatmike the smarter he was i know it shouldn't matter and i feel stupid even including it but it has pertinence it has meaning at least to me i don't know why i mean i'm not writing this down to show the world that i'm such a liberal that i'm such an open minded southerner that i am that i am but phatmike the smarter he was a black man all the more extraordinary i think but that's not why i put it down here i only put it down here to show the absurdities of the world phatmike the smarter's office was down the hall from mine and we'd get calls a call would come in someone asking for phatmike the receptionist she would try to be diplomatic she'd try to be politically correct hey this is san francisco don't you know the receptionist shirley she'd try to ask do you want phatmike are or phatmike double-you if they didn't know she'd ask the caller to describe us hoping that some hint would come through but the caller would play the same political correct game with shirley who would break first shirley she had no patience she'd finally just blurt out do you want to talk to a black guy or a white guy

yeah well i thought it was funny

wife three kids the motherfucker up and died

hey phatmike the smarter what the fuck man what the fuck didn't you see the bullet coming man i've been dodging bullets all year how did you know that didn't have my name on it did you even look at the bullet did you even check to see if had an are or a double-you on it dude oh man you should have looked it probably had my name on it remember i'm the street smart guy i could have dodged it that's what i do you were the smart one you were the smart one you weren't the bullet dodger shit

didn't you know this is bad timing for me you sorry ass motherfucker didn't you know that this was bad timing shit i mean the old man just kicked a month ago and here you go and here you go up and kick yourself shit man it ain't right it ain't right i can't even see the words i can't even these words i'm typing by feel these tears fill my eyes it's too much my friend it's too much my friend

you are a sorry fucking asshole for taking the bullet you didn't even look you didn't even look man yeah yeah well fuck you too many too much too fucking much

yeah i'll come to your funeral tomorrow i'll drive over to oaktown drive up into the hills it will be a beautiful day it will be a beautiful day just like today the sun will come out and spread her cunt all over the bay and we'll shed tears and we'll hug each other and we'll wear black and i will curse you under my breath

you are a sorry motherfucker for taking the bullet you didn't even look did you you didn't even look could have been for me that's okay i know how to duck i know how to get out of the way

wife three kids the motherfucker up and died and all that

 

Sugar Shack

oh my oh my little debbie little debbie why don't you wear that special outfit for me little debbie don't you know don't you know i want to know you i do i do don't know why you popped back into my mind don't know how you crawled through the cobwebs don't know how you slipped back into the room so unnoticed where did you come from where have you been lawdy lawdy these dreams these dreams lately they sure do they sure do

haunt

yes

i never called her debbie though she hated to be called debbie she was deborah oh yes she was fourteen i was thirteen she owned horses she was my summer romance halifax virginia little republican tobacco-growing enclave tucked away in southside virginia in the piedmont they used to tell us in school they also used to tell us the slaves were happy they  used to dance and sing after they got out of the fields i used to dance and sing after being with deborah

oh little debbie yes she had long blondish brownish hair long and straight she was my summer romance she would come riding up the road on her horse by my house yes no shit that's where i lived in the middle of fucking nowhere where horses walked along the side of the road she would ride up by my house she'd whistle yeah she was so fucking sexy when she whistled she'd whistle and i'd come running out like the loyal fucking dog i was love is a dog from hell sayeth charlie bukowski i am the dog and i was in love i'd come running out she'd reach down give me a hand as i jumped up i'd hold on tight to her waist and we'd take off we'd ride off to the

sugar shack

the sugar shack haven't thought about the sugar shack for so long for so long we'd go out to the sugar shack which was this old half torn down barn out on the edge of a friend's property along side the trail that ran through the woods that followed the creek that eventually flowed into the bannister river bales of hay stacked beneath what was left of the roof we'd stop hang out sitting atop those bales of hay she'd light up a cigarette give it to me and then light up another for herself

ah the evil ways of an older woman

others would show up our friends some on horses some would ride up on minibikes my buddy craddock he had a honda queue aa fifty little bitty motherfucker of a motorcycle that fit him perfectly he wasn't that big of a guy craddock is one of the last persons that i ever got into a fight with that was when i was twelve i think don't remember what it was about all i remember was that i was on top of him had him in a headlock or some sort of juvenile method of humiliation and he bit me really bit me hard hurt like a motherfucker left his teethmarks in my chest for days see ess eye would have had a field day almost like a dental impression

i didn't much like to fight after that i mean if fighting meant hurting your friends where was that going me and craddock we got over it though we were still best buddies i felt up his sister one time sitting on the roof of my house but that was later after my summer with deborah but before i moved away to georgia

we'd hang out we'd hang out smoke cigarettes then we'd pair off deborah taught me to french kiss we sat back on the bales of hay finding our own little corners our own little spots of semi-privacy pure innocent sex yes this was sex for me now that i look back it's still probably the best sex i ever had and

i never even got naked

the vietnam war was raging all around us but we had no idea we had no idea we had no idea no internet no see en en no fox news screaming for the blood of others we had walter cronkite come on every night he'd give some report about how many you ess casualties there were that day but in the summer i never saw those news reports hell i never came home before dark and the sun stayed out until past nine the newspaper hell the newspaper was the richmond times dispatch old conservative newspaper pro nixon we were taught that mcgovern that humphrey that muskie they were all evil they were all cowards they were fucking democrats what did i know what did i know

i only knew what they told me

it wasn't until one of my cousins down in georgia cousin woodrow wasn't until cousin woodrow came home from vietnam that we really knew that i really knew yeah old woodrow wasn't the same man he was when he left yeah old woodrow wasn't even a man when he left he didn't even shave he did when he came back and he was fucked up when he came back when he got off the greyhound bus yeah yeah corny to say it a boy when he left a man when he returned except when woodrow came back he wasn't the same he was fucked up in between the time he left and when he came back my other cousins taught me to smoke a little dope we saw a little enlightenment man oh man but my

sugar shack summer

was so so long ago so so long ago dig

yeah yeah i know it's so fucking popular to say to declare to say not another vietnam in iraq not another vietnam so cliche so bumper sticker especially these days when the world is seeing democracy that is democracy in quotes mind you when the world sees democracy coming in i do remember the news reports we installed democracy in south vietnam too remember president diem we killed him because he really didn't do what we wanted him to do i remember chile i remember president allende i do believe that he was democratically elected yeah we killed him too i wonder what is going to happen when the iraqis elect someone we don't like how long will democracy last then that is democracy with quotes the only way to peace the only way to peace is to follow gandhi the only way to peace true courage is not in riding through the desert with tanks no true courage is sitting in front of tanks like they did in tianamen square that was courage to brave the cold winter nights in kiev that is courage that is how democracy comes about that is the people speaking only then will there be peace

we had peace that summer we had peach that summer sugar shack summer we had so much sexy peace sexy peach all together all alone out there by the sugar shack sugar shack summer

little debbie little debbie i remember the day she fell asleep in my arms a little afternoon nap a little afternoon snooze i woke up she still asleep i saw the opportunity i had my window of opportunity i unbuttoned the top buttons of her shirt those small young teen mounds of beautiful breasts i didn't know what to do with them i just knew that they called my name whispered my name begged me to find them to rescue them deborah's friend ramona she saw me from across the barn she saw me didn't say anything then she told deborah later deborah she asked me about it the next day we were riding her horse i had my arms around her holding on my face leaning forward next to hers she said she said i like you she said she said want to do more i said i said what do you mean more than riding this horse she stopped the horse she turned around

damn she was so sexy i didn't even know what sexy was she said

you can touch me if you want you know when we're kissing

then she turned back around and we rode on down to the sugar shack like we did most every day

we went on down to the sugar shack and all that

 

Shasta City

even the radio stations are nineteen seventy-three

here in this burg in the mountains shasta city up in northern california sitting here all pretty at the foot of mount shasta about a five hour drive from san francisco we drove fast made back in four sitting here all pretty at the foot of mount shasta population around fifty-seven hundred according to my friend joe who has a place up here his escape hatch his chill palace his little home away from home fifty-seven hundred according to joe he says that there are seventeen or eighteen churches in town seemed an awful lot for such a small town but he pointed out most of them to me to oldest son he came along for the ride he mostly came along to go snowboarding

probably at least seventeen or eighteen meth labs as well joe didn't point them out i don't think he really knows where they are but come on i know you can't have this many mullet haircuts walking around and not have meth labs

seventeen or eighteen churches but nary a temple at least nary a synagogue there is a temple but it is more of the jehovah's witness kind of temple not exactly what i envision when i'm thinking temple i mean stella she gets nervous in places like this she used to get nervous about visiting my relatives down in south georgia until she got to know them i guess you can't blame her don't you know there are postcards about lynchings and there is the leo frank thing they lynched him yeah they lynched him mostly because he was a jew stella she's a jew stella she gets nervous when there are just too many white people especially so many self-professed christians proclaiming to be

white and free

there are tell tale signs of meth labs so say the authorities on the subject these authorities say to be on the look out for unusual strong odors maybe it's not a look out really although that is how they said it possibly meant to be on the smell out for something like cat urine ammonia acetone etcetera also watch for neighbors' houses that have their windows blacked out sure sign they say these authorities they do say other things as well lots of visitors in the night lots of trash especially big empty jugs of anti-freeze out on trash day me i'm telling you i was on the look out for meth labs up in shasta

i'm a citizen it's my responsibility but

i didn't see any didn't smell any cat urine either doesn't mean there weren't any meth labs that is not cat piss i'm sure that there was plenty of cat piss i just didn't smell it

but shasta mount shast california yeah it was beautiful just the kind of place where women proudly wear hooters tee shirts don't get me wrong i did appreciate it i did i did where the local grocery store has a full glass case dedicated to jerky in the meat department where they love george bush and god and jesus and and guns and ammo where they try to gently push an economy formerly dependent on logging to one dependent on moneyed suburbanites and urbanites driving in spending their money on quaint things reminding them of the simple life that they don't have couldn't possibly have unless they moved up there which then becomes self defeating i mean just take a look over at lake tahoe just take a look over at mendocino

we're always trying to go find something that is simpler

there's always got to be something better over the hill

grass is greener and all of that and all of that grass is greener but in shasta city the grass is still brown technically it's still winter technically there is still snow on the ground me and joe we slapped on snowshoes we climbed the mountain it's fucking work let me tell you we climbed the mountain we blazed a trail up sloughing through two three four foot drifts sometimes the snowshoes kept us top sometimes they didn't up up up we went up up up we went trees were green yeah i fell a couple of times didn't quite eat the big white breakfast but came close came close

we climbed the mountain we looked down into the valley there over there that's the hearst property something like eighty-five thousand acres further than we could see capitalism is great ain't it i saw will hearst today actually i had a meeting with him last year i'm reading a book right now starring his grandfather he's patty's brother we're spending three hundred billion dollars in fucking iraq we're spending millions on homeland security in places like wyoming and montana yeah that's where al qaeda is going to strike next no wait montana already has their own homegrown terrorist network right i forgot they fucking blew up oklahoma city did we send in the air force marines army navy to take out their governor and install a democracy no i don't think so we found the couple of guys who did it yeah only a couple of guys a couple of mullet wearing redneck motherfuckers like that could have pulled off such a thing without help but they were white

white and free

grand families like the hearsts have compounds in the middle of eighty-five thousand acres that's just one of them they have others patty married a prison guard she's a democrat and my daughter's track team has to take public transportation to their meet because the school can't afford to pay the drivers overtime to take the school bus the school called the parents in to ask us for contributions because the state cut a million dollars from their budget so that they could build more prisons because they are filling up with kids smoking dope so

joe and i climbed the mountain and smoked some dope at the top of the mountain and looked down into the valley at the hearst property then we smoked another bowl

grass is greener and all that