Igloo Love

oh baby baby oh my legs shake my head spins i caught the wall to remain standing i held myself up call me dizzy dean call me alice leaping through the looking glass where did that little fucking rabbit go

i grabbed her by the tail

when the water washed me up when the goddess spit me out i grabbed for that sweet little fuzzball as she ducked as she leaped as she disappeared into way down into way up into way way way

i found myself in her igloo i found myself inside against the wall the cold permeated my nakedness the cold seeped into my bones the cold wrapped itself around my meager brain i knew the igloo belonged to her to her to her it kept in the warmth it kept in the coolness it kept

my body my body myself all by myself where did she go why did she leave me here all alone i searched the world over and thought i found true love where did she go spinning spinning spinning whirling dervish of love and lust

crystals of ice forming on my taught nipples forming on the tightness of my skin dimples goosebumps of love covering my body like bubble wrap waiting to be

popped

waiting to be explored waiting to be witnessed

shivering shaking toes digging into the snowy floor clutching for something for anything for stability that i know does not exist will never come frost forming on my eyebrows and the tips of my hair my very pubic hair becoming the frozen tundra where are the caribou cocksicle pointing north the compass steady supporting sac nonexistent it stands alone independent up periscope

expectations cravings hunger determination fuel survival fuel frigid dirigibles of lust and wonder wanderlust holds me in place manacles of frozen desire when she enters dissolves into existence she wears so many layers one over the other over the other i cannot know her but i know it is she by the curves of hoary breath the notes of her voice crystallize in midair and shatter into a million icy shards

so many layers one over the other over the other

my frozen lips stutter and beg and she sheds one then another then then then her framework takes shape her being holds substance her form is function one beneath the other beneath the other beneath the other like the little wooden russian dolls

until she like me

is only herself

but she is warmth she is love she is lust she is the fire to caramelize my sugar to melt my butter to blanket to cover to smother to protect she knows she knows she knows

she slides oozes beneath the frost beneath the goosebumps beneath the skin into the blood into the lymph into the into the heart the frost becomes the dew is the dew is the life is the sustenance that revives that survives that is

the revelator

amen

The Hours

the day is consumed the hours are consumed the minutes are like swarms of gnats buzzing my head on a steamy summer evening i can't keep track of them i want to leave them behind but they keep following me around how do i manage this thing called time all

i know

is that it manages me time wraps me up tightly in a straightjacket and throws me on the plume and blasts me down into the roaring river and waves bye-bye fuck my sideburns are grey my hair is sprinkled with salt hairs on my arm my chest hell even my fucking pubic hair is sprinkled with grey and on some days i fight it and on some days i relish it and on some days i hide from it and on some days on some days on some days i just simply

get stoned and forget it

altogether what the fuck and my kids begin to look like my old photos and sometimes even i have to look closely to tell if it is me or them or me or them or me or them and maybe i'll be reborn and maybe i've already been reborn and that begs the question if i've already been reborn is my job now done is my job complete what else is there left to do maybe make a lot of money and retire to a gated community and play golf and wear faggot-green polyester pants and white spiked shoes and drive little electric carts with bags of clubs bags of clubs bags of clubs cabs of bugs

chase that little white ball

around vast stretches of green separated by thin rows of poplars or cedars and wrapped around artificial ponds supporting artificial ducks and other assorted artificial waterfowl and water creatures waving to my fellow polyesteroids with their bags of clubs on the back of their electric carts yelling fore and fuck in that gentlemanly way that shows we are different and above the others we know we are above the others because they polish and shine our white spiked shoes for us and serve us our bourbon and branch water

hopefully these lowly ones will not speak english so i won't have to relate to them so i won't have to wonder how their kids are doing so i won't have to wonder where they go when they leave the gates of my so-called community of my special club for special people like me and my so-called friends so i won't have to wonder if they are eating better than my dog my very special dog with a very special pedigree who lives with me within the confines of my gated community that is patrolled by big guys wearing guns and special uniforms that make them look like authorities that make them look like

die polizei

and funny they don't have a very special pedigree but they look good in their uniforms they look good with those batons and mace and handcuffs and cool hats very cool hats and i dig it when they sit in those white cars and put that microphone up their mouths in a very homoerotic manner a kind of ten-four blowjob over the police band channel and those boots hmmmm baby love those boots

the hours the minutes i try to reach out and grab them when they fly by i am lucy ricardo in the chocolate factory trying to grab these minutes and stuff them into my pockets for later use stuff them into my mouth for instant revitalization turn back the clock i believe that botox is made of reconstituted fermented filtered minutes all you need to do is inject and sigh inject and sigh inject and sigh

and when the wrinkles fade away when our very facial expressions fade away and we can't show expression we are just totally zen at that point the road to enlightenment is the ignorance of time and aging how do you define

aging gracefully

or is that simply a socio-economic term can you age gracefully if you are not privileged if you must fear if you must worry if you must if you just are on the edge if you are marginal if you are cleaning bathtubs in hotels if you are plucking the feathers from chickens doing piece-work sewing zippers and buttons on baby clothes how do you age gracefully if your kids have no future if your kids go to a school of unlearning if your kids if your kids if your kids must

join the army

because all other roads lead nowhere how do you age gracefully how do you age gracefully if your kids can only afford to shove you into a room with forty others all strapped in and fed by other marginals who despise you and your fucking bedpan

ah the minutes ah the hours ah the tick tock the tick tock the bell does indeed toll for thee baby the bell does indeed toll for thee darlin' the bell the bell hells bells

just give me a tab of blotter and a tall building

and i will fly to heaven

Narcolepsy Please

baby i need sleep i need to i need to i need to crawl under the covers slide between the sheets i need the snooze i need the candle snipped i need a little eyelid theater it just ain't working my mind is going slower and slower and slower

baby i need some sleep

i'm going out every day every day every day and hunting those mastodons hunting those big fucking wooly mammoths bringing home the bacon baby bringing home the home fries for the home fires then then then there's something else there's always something here there's always something there and then there's a little bit of me i'm trying to find it ain't in that hole it ain't in this hole where the fuck where the fuck

baby i need some sleep

i need some deep deep i need some solitary confinement i need a little shot of thorazine to slap me into some wintery wonderland some summer haze some some fucking field of poppies oh man where is that wicked witch when you need her i wouldn't mind if she just flew down and put a spell on me

baby i need some sleep

it ain't it ain't it ain't like i have some problem falling asleep my head and my pillow are one they are a perfect union when they meet it is over it is done the day is done the evening is complete my eyes go dark and it's dreamland baby it is birdland it is fluffy cloud city i don't have any nightmares i don't have any fitful sleep i can fold up and sleep with the best of them

it ain't it ain't it ain't no neurotic episode this ain't no insomnia it's a simple fucking lack of time and space the two just ain't big enough to handle the demand

baby i need some sleep

twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours a day
i wanna be sedated
nowhere to be
nowhere to go
i wanna be sedated

but i just ain't got no time no time no time baby they need me you need me money needs me the fucking dogs need me the taxman needs me love and sugar need me the goddess needs me the cardman needs me the butcher the baker the candlestick maker need me rub-a-dub-dub baby put me in the tub and send me down the river of sleep

baby i need some sleep i just need to hit the snooze button i just need i just need i just need

some sleep

 

Afternoon Rituals

ah shit i do dig the afternoons i do i do i do i dig the afternoons when the sky is blue and the clouds are memories and the water is crisp baby crisp and icy with just a hint of chop keeps it interesting keeps it enlightening i do i do i dig the afternoons

and me and my man p we do the ritual right baby we represent the goddess we are her sacrifice we are her fatted calves we do the thing we do the right thing we pour ourselves into the water we slide right on in slip right on in the waves break over our legs as we slide right on in none of this dancing around thing none of this getting used to the water thing we walk right up let the goddess bless us with her lapping tongue and walk right on into her

icy cunt

plow through her freshness stroke stroke breathe stroke stroke breathe feel the cold go with the cold let the cold move through and out the body very yoga baby very very strawberry soda with a fucking cherry on top we do the ritual we do it right

the goddess spits us out when she is done with us we slink up and into the heat into the dryness of her love purge ourselves of unclean thoughts warm our essence warm our fucking frozen cocks melt into the slats of redwood shvitz the blood of fucking christ and then rinse and repeat baby

up up up up to the roof

for the burning of the bush for the burning of the herb for the partaking for the sharing of her budding love the gulls screaming at us as they flit fly flit all about in the mosh pit of heaven pushing shoving while sailing through our exhaled cloud begging for attention begging for bread begging for love

the walk up the hill the sitting on the bench the chat with the barista the sipping of hot caffeinated lust in a paper cup the discussion of love and all that it means the planning of adventures the bitching of circumstance the amazement at our continued survival and then and then and then

the sugar walks by the young sugar the old sugar the local sugar the euro sugar the asian sugar swishing swashing giggle wiggle walk strut step stride in front of and around us ah the sugar

i fall in lust seventeen times a minute every minute of the day and it's all good i just love i just love i just love the sugar i just love i just love the confectionary if cavities are the result oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my oh my oh my who gives a shit pull my teeth baby call me toothless joe i'll suck soup through a straw take my teeth i don't need them as long as i got sugar

gimme gimme gimme gimme let me float let me be your banana split baby just sprinkle your sugar all over brown sugar white sugar raw sugar powdered sugar cane sugar beet sugar fucking turbinado baby baby let me be your candy cane let me be let me be

makes me just wanna scream and shout i gotta scream and shout i gotta i gotta

baby please

they walk by and they know they drive me crazy they know they send me for a loop they know they know if i see one more naked belly button with a cute little stud i'm going to scream i'm going to melt right into the bench i'm going to slide right into right into right into

man i dig the afternoons when the sun when the sky when the blue when the when the sugar is out oh baby oh darlin

oh oh oh

oh my

 

Let My People Go

and yahweh said to moses i will be who i will be i will be with you in this first redemption i will be with you in all redemptions this is what the rabbi told me this is what the rabbi told all of us this weekend this is this is this is what she said she did

she said it to the kid being bar mitzvah'd she said it to the hot chick with cleavage in the third row she said it to the old hippies who sit in the second row every fucking week of every fucking year and twice on holidays she said it to this man in the back row this old man sat in the back he wore sweats he wore a sweatshirt he wore a baseball hat 

i mean the clothes were clean 

i mean this old guy was not your run of the mill gutter wipe homeless person who happened to wander in off the street i mean i mean his clothes were quite clean i mean i mean it's not like i was much better dressed ok i was wearing jeans but hell i always wear jeans because i'm just an old redneck cracker myself

i am an antichrist 
i am an anarchist 
don't know what i want but 
i know how to get it 
i wanna destroy the pass by cos
 
i wanna be anarchy 
no dogs body

but my tshirt was very very white i dig simple you know and my sportscoat was quite elegant if i do say so myself but hey at the end of the day i was only marginally better dressed than the old guy who sat in the back and let me tell you about the old guy in the back i mean

the big guy you know the man upstairs the big guy must have been with the old guy the big guy must have been squeezing really squeezing him because the old man the guy in the back the old man did his share of mumbling and i figure he must have been mumbling to the big guy like who else does one mumble to if not the big guy when you're in the fucking temple the old man mumbled and

some really official looking officious looking guy had to ask the old man to keep his fucking mouth shut sure he didn't use exactly those words but he fucking meant it with that prune pit stuck in this fucking sphincter blocking his having a decent shit in the morning fucking eh you know

anarchy for the uk it's coming sometime and maybe
i give a wrong time stop a traffic line
you're future dream is a shopping scheme cos
 
i wanna be anarchy
in the city

told him a couple of times

i sat next to the old man we were the only ones on the pew until stella came and sat next to me stella being the good jew passed out programs or something like that and came late stella came late and sat between us glanced over at the old guy smiled at the old guy the old guy didn't smile the old guy just mumbled didn't bother me didn't bother us found it quite amusing really hey the old guy may very well be

moses himfuckingself

the next moses just waiting for his burning bush hey we're all waiting for that burning bush gotta dig the burning bush love the burning bush with that burning bush the next moses maybe might be just sitting there waiting for his brother aaron to drop on by and do a little bit of the translation thing do a little bit of the spokesperson thing he may he may shit he just may be the one to deliver us from pharaoh the one to say

hey old pharaoh let my people go

he just may he just might maybe baby outasight

wouldn't that just be so fucking cool you just never know you just never know lord knows that we need moses to lead us out of egypt lord knows we need moses to talk to that burning bush get his fucking instructions and get us the hell out of dodge baby

how many ways to get what you want
i use the best i use the rest
i use the enemy i use the anarchy cos
 
i wanna be anarchy
the only way to be

you just never know you just never know you can only know love baby and then it's only a feeling and you gotta go with your feeling gotta go with your heart come on moses i wanted to whisper to the old guy i wanted to just lean over to him and just whisper

yo moses

deliver me deliver us show us the way there's got to be a way to get from here to there we need you to stand up man we need you to just fucking stand up and draw your figurative sword and charge up that hill of beans and we will follow we will carry your light we will melt that golden calf come on moses come on

is this the uda
or is this the mpla
or is this the ira 
i thought it was the uk or just 
another country
another council tenancy
 
i wanna be anarchy

let's go part that sea let's go to the desert baby i'm ready i'm so ready i got my walking shoes on i am so fucking ready freddy let's go climb that mountain let's go get that tablet let's go lay down the new law let's go lay down i'm down with that let's go wander the desert let's go get parched baby let's go squeeze the stones for water let's purge our wicked ass self let's wander let's get down with the hot and sweaty my man

i should have just whispered to him because you never know i knew and i think i blew it i think that all moses was waiting for was me all he needed all that was required all that could have been i was i may still be his aaron i am i am i am i just very well could be

i will be who i will be

 

Mars Attacks

we going to go up we going to go down we going to go round and round and round we going to be spinning through the outer reaches we going to be blasting off we going to do the countdown baby ten nine eight i got my missile aimed right at the butthole of the moon watch out mister it's coming your way i want to be the man on the moon i want to be the dude on the edge of the crater let me off this world

i want to build me a boat i want to build me a big old boat i want to jump up in that boat and blast off into the darkness there are stars out there they say that will fit into a teaspoon but weigh more than the earth i want to dose out on that wildness baby just think of the laxative that you'd need in the morning just think of the difficult shit you'd have ah geeze

i want to sail the heavens i want to soar across the sky i want i want i want

ok all i really want is to get laid on the moon all i really want is to get laid on mars all i really want is to fuck in zero gravity that is all that is all is that too fucking much to ask is that really too much to ask for i mean i don't need no oil derricks on mars i don't need no diamond mines on the moon i don't really even need a little lunar rover baby although i would if i could use it to get you in the backseat i mean

all i really want is a little moon pussy is that too much to ask for i just want to grab you by the hair and drag you onto my space speedboat and give you a little commandeering baby i ain't asking for much i ain't asking for too much

i mean i mean i mean

that moon must look awful pretty when the big guy is sitting in that big white house and he's just staring out the window without a care in the world without a fucking thought running through that empty fucking head of his i mean that big old moon must just look like a fucking playland i bet i bet i bet he thinks like i do i bet the old guy just wants to be rid of all this shit and just get himself a little moon pussy i mean

that's all i want

he can put on those big old macho suits i bet they've updated them since the sixties although bell bottoms have come back into style although that madison avenue hippie look is now in style although the old smiley guy came back into style albeit on blotter acid but what the fuck i bet the old guy could get himself a macho el el bean space suit with a little built in nitrous tank and he could go hopping all over that place

i bet he could even go hunting up there for moon snipe i bet the old guy could get one of those lunar rovers outfitted with a gun rack and he could drive around four-wheeling it crater to crater pulling his double-barreled space cowboy shotgun out of the rack and just and just and just blow the fucking bejesus out of some fat old moon snipe hell i bet they might even have

moon niggers

up there for him to lynch from the bow of the space speedboat make him feel right at home although he don't call them niggers any more he calls them a-rabs and that makes it all right that makes it ok that makes it quite the american thing to do by god by country byways and highways and high times baby

we going to the moon we going to mars no telling where we might end up next no telling where we will go from here amen god bless america baby i just hope i just hope i just hope that we can afford to build a big old boat to take our man to the moon i mean i mean shit we can't even afford to pay attention we can't even afford to change our minds we can't even afford to pay the fucking science teacher at the local school that's ok maybe rupert murdoch can pay for it maybe time warner can pay for it maybe viacom can pay for it and we can just show the science class how

bugs fucking bunny goes to the moon they were always my favorite episodes anyway i loved that fucking little martian guy i mean bugs used to just blow the fuck out of him over and over and over again i wonder if the bushman has been watching the same cartoons i wonder i wonder

we going to the moon baby i wonder if you can get a good bag of weed on the moon i wonder if you could build a nice greenhouse on the moon i wonder if you grow some fucking killer moon weed that would really really redefine the whole concept of

lunacy

cool blog:  http://www.sinosplice.com/~laowaimono/

phatmike says, check it out.

 

Window Dressing

i have two windows in my office

where i write when i'm writing using this inane machine not when i write using my beloved little notebook my sweet little moleskine only when i write using this machine i guess i could sit in my office and write in my moleskine but it's not really the same it's not really the same because i can't write in my moleskine as fast as i can write on this inane machine

my desk looks straight out one of the windows looks out over my garden it's a cool garden i'd like to say i did the garden it's got roses and a japanese maple and other cool plants that i have no idea what to call them oh one or two are rhododendrons one or two are azaleas i'd like to brag to you that i got out there on my hands and knees and played in the fucking loam but i'd be lying to you i'd be telling you a big fat one i'd not be telling you the truth on occasion i will go out there and pull weeds but i didn't put in said garden but i did write the fucking check

and there's a lot to be said about that

on either side of the window are framed pictures of two of my heroes in life one is on the right it is of johnny cash i don't know if he's a hero per se but you know he was a cool old fuck who had a lot of cool old songs and he brought me a lot of joy so i can call him my hero and on the other side is a painting of stella when she was but a wee youngin' her sister painted it i believe she is my hero because she's never murdered me in my sleep she's never severed the artery in my throat when i dozed she never pushed me down the stairs in the dark she never put arsenic into my iced tea she never did any of those things although

she may have had cause to do so once or twice in the past

she did hit me in the head with a boot once but i'm pretty sure i deserved it and i once discovered a hammer under her pillow but she swore up and down it was not there to be used on me later that evening and she has swung at me and missed many many many times and she has swung at me and connected on times that i was not quite fast enough but all in all

she's never really put me into any real danger on purpose

i mean there was the time that the asshole in the movie theater was making a ruckus and she did not i repeat did not lean over and say hey asshole if you don't shut the fuck up my husband is going to kick your ass i give her credit for that but she did turn around and say hey asshole why don't you shut the fuck up why don't you shove that bag of popcorn up your big fat lard ass and this guy seemed to think that she had added the phrase or

my husband is going to kick your ass

and it took a lot of fancy splainin' to get myself out of that one and calm down the asshole but i managed to remain in one piece and there was that time that we were walking down the sidewalk to go eat and a few young upstanding students who lived in the neighborhood decided to follow us and comment on how nice stella's ass was and although i tended to agree with them stella decided that she didn't like being followed by young gents who sort of looked like rejects from the backstreet boys tryouts in east los angeles so stella turned around and told said youths to go fuck themselves and said youths took offense to such language but for some reason thought that possibly i had been the source for such vulgarities and

threatened to kick my ass

but we managed to dance around that one as well i've become quite adept and then there was the time that stella this was in nineteen and eighty-one in atlanta georgia and she had just captured my heart not to mention my loins and stella just had just had just had to go see michael fucking jackson this was when he looked semi-normal  and so we went down to the omni to score tickets i had cash i had cash we were going to scalp tickets and there was a group of fine young men from the neighborhood just hanging out and they asked me

hey man you want michael tickets

and i said yes and we went to do a swap and we did the swap cash for tickets only they didn't hand me tickets they only handed me a ticket envelope with paper in it and they took off up into the parking decks and so i ran after them into the parking deck i mean there was five of them only one of my cracker hippie ass and in the middle of the parking deck i think the smartest one of them why do the brains of these kinds of operations have to be the short fat mother fucker the smartest one of them said

what the fuck you want white boy

and i said hey man i just want my cash back no trouble i was so smooth even in those days and they circled around me and had me up against this ugly purple cadillac and for some reason i felt very lonely at that very moment then like

the fucking cavalry another group of boys from the hood came walking down the parking lot ramp and and and the biggest tallest ugliest one of these guys said he said what the fuck is going on here and the short fat mother fucker said nothing and i figured i had nothing to lose so i said that the short fat mother fucker had ripped me off and the biggest tallest dude looked at the short fat mother fucker and said we don't like that shit around here give us a bad image know what i mean give him his money back and my jaw dropped and the short fat mother fucker's jaw dropped and he gave me my money back and i gave half of it to the biggest tallest dude because

it was fucking worth the show

and i decided that the gettin' was good so i got up and went on out of there and got into the car where stella was waiting and she said did you get the tickets and i said no couldn't find any and she said bummer and i said yeah and then told her the story a while later and

even before stella fell in love with me i mean i have always been love with her even when i didn't even know her but even before she fell in love with me but when she knew me can you believe that she knew me and hadn't fallen in love with me anyway she was the girlfriend of my best friend at the time that's a very very long story and we were all in a bar and stella now

let me tell you

stella now she can work a bar she can work a bar she knows how to work a bar and some people might view this as flirting unmercifully but i just call it working the bar and stella was talking to this big studly looking picture and k my friend her beau he got himself all worked up and while i'm sure the shots and beers had something to do with it old k decided that he had to assert himself into the presence of the studly guy and evenly though i advised him against such actions

he insisted

and so he told the guy to leave stella alone and big studly guy told old k to go fuck himself this was in the harvest moon bar which at the time was right next to ken's tavern and old k should have gone and just fucked his drunken self but no old k decided that he had to show big studly what it was all about and i could only think ah shit i'm going to have to invoke the redneck code that says if your best buddy gets into a little tussle over a woman in a bar with someone who is bigger than him then you have to help him out and

shook my head

and walked up to big studly and had to 'splain to him the entire redneck code and how if old k felt he had to assert himself over some damned woman then i was going to have to help him out and while i know that big studly probably could hell would have kicked both our asses i suggested that it would not be such big sport and then i lied and told him that stella gave lousy blowjobs anyway and

he agreed to leave well enough alone and stella hit me for telling lies about her and

she didn't even love me then

so i'm still alive she ain't killed me yet she ain't slid the blade between my ribcage she ain't pushed me in front of a fucking muni bus yet she ain't she ain't she ain't but one day she might but i figure that it just keeps things kind of exciting don't you know i mean what if i went to sleep every night and had nothing to worry about i mean what if i could walk into a dark house and not have to worry about the wife knocking me off i mean where would i be where could i go i mean i mean i would really start to think that

she didn't love me anymore

and then where would i be

 

Talmud

ah shit ain't nothing but the funny papers ain't nothing but the comics ain't nothing but a good read

torah torah torah baby doll-icious it's all a good read a little gratuitous sex a little gratuitous violence a little fucking of the sister brother niece nephew son daughter and a little fucking over of them all as well

we're all a little special we're all a little unique we're all god's chosen people it's the other fuckers that just don't get it you know you know it's the other guys the other guys those guys wearing rags on their heads those guys shit it's those guys in stiff starched white shirts in their ill fitting grey and black suits walking around door to door it's the young suburban moms driving the town and country that want to share their yoga secrets it's the it's the it's the fuckers that place those huge billboards on interstate seventy in nebraska that declare that redemption is the only way

rabbi said this morning that the temple had become a little episcopalian the way they adhere to the clock a little episcopalian what the fuck does that mean maybe the episcopalians had figured out how to jew down the price of the construction work that the fucking irish catholic painters wanted if they didn't go out and get drunk last night can't get used to it maybe the irish catholic cops had figured out how to shake down the russian emigres maybe the russian emigres crashed the kiddish after services and stuffed their pockets with food

maybe i fucked mary magdalene in the ass while jesus looked on maybe i fucked jesus while mary magdalene looked on maybe i just masturbated thinking about the two of them getting it on next to the donkey in the stable

when i was thirteen i fell in love fell in love fell in love over and over again but i fell in love when i was thirteen her name was deborah we lived in a little town of eight hundred people it was a suburb of not-a-goddamn-thing deborah was cute she was hot she was a year older than me i yanked off in the shower thinking about deborah she was deborah had an ass that entered my subconscious before i never knew what ass was that ass was it

deborah rode horses i had to step up and ride horses the shit i used to go through hell the shit i still go through to get the stanky finger deborah was hot she had long long brownish blond hair and a couple of freckles but she had this one flaw she was so beautiful it really took me a while to even notice but she had this one flaw on her right hand she had had some kind of accident some kind of weird shit happen when she was young but she had this hand with only three fingers and

i only noticed when we were out in the woods smoking cigarettes and she put this cigarette up to her lips oh those lips oh oh oh she put that  cigarette up to her lips and there it was it was kind of wedged in between two of those fingers and the third finger was really a little useless appendage so she kind of had this permanent peace sign and

it was kind of cool when she would flip somebody off

she kind of had this permanent peace sign and it was just too sexy for this young boy of thirteen i had to kiss her i had to just lean over and kiss her and she kissed me she kissed me with a tongue that rocked my world

nineteen-seventy-two and i was thirteen and it was summer and i was in the woods on with my girl deborah with only two fingers three if you count the little one and two horses tied to the tree and we sat on a big old rock and smoked cigarettes and i kissed her and she kissed me and i don't know why i thought of her today except that

she gave me freedom

that i didn't know that i had and that summer was the summer that i just plain started not to understand the whole church thing hell how could anyone understand the whole bible thing my whole world had been turned upside down i mean jesus never even gave me the notion of pussy not to mention the scent of pussy not to mention oh my goodness the touch of pussy i mean the whole bible thumping thing that that all that shit that they early on shove a funnel up your ass and pump acrid shit throughout your body your soul in the name of something that they claim is love but love at that time shouted out

pussy

and ain't nobody at the church shouting out pussy ain't nobody at the church saying this is from whence we all came and this is from whence we all go ain't nobody at the church telling me anything except keep that thing in your pants boy and keep your head in the good book how can that be love how can that be love how can love shout out the things they taught me to shout out i mean love don't shout out

nigger

when they integrate the schools love don't burn crosses love don't fire a preacher for saying voting for nixon is a sin love don't come in a building with a steeple and a cross love don't have it that way love don't do it that way

love doesn't look down her nose

when a fifteen year old girl comes home with a new baby in her arms love don't do that love don't worry about that love don't do that while the daddy stayed in town like nothing happened at all thinking about trying it again shit this ain't so bad knock 'em up and send 'em out and start all over again love don't do that

but deborah she gave me freedom she said i am love and you may dip your finger into my love and feel what love is all about and we rode those horses all over the county smoking cigarettes and i loved holding her hand i used to like to hold her weird fucking hand she didn't like me to hold on to it she was self-conscious about it shit she was only fourteen i was only thirteen but i liked to hold her hand what a great summer what a great time she went to high school in the fall i went to eighth grade she had to move on she fell in love with an older guy

that's cool

i fell in love with another girl her name was kelly that was before girls spelled it kelli kelly she was a year older than me too but i didn't mind she didn't mind she played tackle football one-on-one with me in my yard on cool autumn evenings so that i could feel her up

that's cool

but deborah showed me love she taught me love the world was love and all i had to do was slide my finger into the world and there it was but i never really went back to church any more after that i mean i lived in a small town i kind of had to go to church i kind of had to go to the weekly methodist youth fellowship things hell it was the only thing to do in that hellhole of a town it was where the girls went it was where i learned to roll a joint but i never really went back to church thanks deborah

my church had wooden pews wasn't until i was in the fourth or fifth grade that they got an air conditioner two big window units the preacher really had to speak up on a hot sunday morning before that we had these stiff paper fans with the name of the local funeral home printed on them but deborah introduced me to another church it was everywhere it was all around us and we rode those horses through the woods and across rivers and through bogs and down shallow creeks and and and

she held communion on the big rock in the middle of the woods and i partook of the sacrament and i worshiped the embodiment and when i transgressed i begged for forgiveness and i was her alter boy i was her choir i was her congregation i was her fucking membership committee i burned the incense and i drank of cheap communion wine

i did i did i did and i was released and i was saved and i was delivered unto the bosom of the goddess and

it was good

 

Salamander

courtroom two-eighteen got there a little late had to go to room one-oh-one or was it one-oh-three to find out where we go room four-oh-two they told us we got into the elevator met a woman with a baby cute little baby going to the same room four-oh-two up the elevator crowded elevator it's almost nine and some of the men are wearing studly suits and i figure they are lawyers no one else wears suits anymore maybe investment bankers but not in the valley maybe back east i can tell you that comcast corporate headquarters back in philadelphia is a fucking buttoned up place down to the starched white shirt it is so fucking eighties i kind of dig it sometimes

at room four-oh-eight they told us that we needed to be in courtroom two-eighteen and so did the woman with the baby and so we hopped down two flights of stairs it's me it's stella it's oldest child we'll call him oc we see the right name on the list we hand our paperwork to the clerk who is sitting out front he hands us back some things with a frown and tells us to finish filling them out and we do we had to check a few boxes saying that oc agreed that he wasn't changing his name for evil purposes nor was trying to defraud bank of america or scam his third mormon bride or do the kind of deceitful things that one could potentially do with a name change 

he really had already changed his name i mean back around when he was four maybe even three we would call him salamander i don't know where it came from i don't think it was because he liked salamanders any more than he liked any other animal i don't think it was because he looked like a salamander because he's a cute kid and hey come on i'm really not that cruel of a dad that i'd call my kid salamander because he looked like a salamander i mean that's fucking cold man geeze

so he kind of really liked being called salamander and he kind of decided that it was his middle name not his first name not his primary name not the name people called him it was just his middle name fucking eh i know but it's true and this was no fad i mean it went on for a few years and then when maybe he was nine or ten maybe eleven his uncle the lawyer wrote him up this official looking declaration that from here on out his middle name was salamander and so it was

that it was never really officially official you know even though uncle swore up and down that it was so this year on his birthday we arranged a court date to have it changed officially and so it was

that we ended up in courtroom two-eighteen and the clerk went out a door behind the bench the judge's bench and then he came back and he said hey the judge is coming in he said you don't have to get up so we didn't get up and in walked the judge she wore her judge's robes she wore a white collar could have been a choir robe could have been could have been

and they called the name changers first seems that this name changing thing was quite fucking popular judge commented once during the proceedings that tuesdays and thursdays were very popular days for name changing especially those tuesdays that come right after a holiday monday like martin luther kings day that is coming up fast always crowded that tuesday is said the judge she was quite judgely in a very serious way i kind of liked that but

i wondered

if a person had a job where a person had to wear this rather matronly or patronly whatever the case may be you know if a person had to fucking have this non-smiling approach this serious look from atop the bench if a person just had to be so fucking serious all the time when on the job i mean shit how does this person hop back into the swing how does this person pull it back around and

a court reporter sat at the foot of the bench leaning over a little black machine she wore a wildly fancy dress i thought to be a little over the top for a thursday morning she cranked on those keys baby she was the ultimate court reporting machine i bet

she could spell

i bet she could guess your fucking weight at the county fair while you stood there fat and happy with a corndog in one hand and one of those lemonades with the half lemon in the clear plastic cup in the other and pink fucking cotton candy all scrunched up in your back pocket

she had a look

a guy with a motorcycle helmet wanted his middle name changed he changed it from something rather regular to something rather regular i bet it wasn't a real motorcycle i bet it was a vespa not that i'm judging he just seemed that kind of guy maybe he met somebody maybe he just broke up split up with somebody and she or hell maybe he let's not be so fucking assumptive had a last name like paul or james and that happened to be his middle name and that was just

too fucking much

for him and he just had to change the name he just had to change the name but he didn't want to reach too far he didn't want to get fucking wierd or something or have anyone think he was some marin county new age crystal worshiper so he just changed it to ed or sam or something like that or

maybe he had entirely other reasons i don't really fucking know

two asian guys got up they were young adults turns out they were brothers are brothers their last name was leong i believe and they wanted to change their last name to hall and the judge she went through her schtick asked them the questions that were supposed to be asked they responded with the answers they were supposed to provide she made it so

and she looked down her docket and noticed that the next person was also named leong and that she had been scheduled to also change her name and he called her up and it turned out that she was hell is the mother of the two boys that just changed their name to hall from leong and the judge asked her if she still wanted to change her name and

she said that didn't want to change her name she'd changed her mind instead

and that if it was ok with the judge she would just keep her name been with her that long didn't really make sense to change it now and she had that pre-tear look on her face but i could have confused that look with that fifties sixties stereotype  that television brought us ah the time man i really liked the asian housekeeper on the courtship of eddie's father i had early masturbatory fantasies about her miss livingston oh my

and the kids smiled a weak smile and looked straight ahead

i wonder

she said that she'd changed her mind and the kids smiled a weak smile and looked straight ahead

and all this while all this time i guess we weren't all name changers in there most of us there were name changers but not all of us not all of us were name changers there was a guy with a lawyer yeah i knew he was a lawyer he was wearing a suit but it was more than wearing the suit he had that smarmy look to him that was coated with just a bit of i'm a lawyer arrogance who the fuck knew what this guy was doing in court

but my television influenced imagination went off on tangents hey there was nothing else to do the clerk had already shushed us once so talking amongst ourselves was out and besides we can talk amongst ourselves all the time we had a plate of raw pongo right here in front of us a roomful of clay just begging for playmates

this guy with the lawyer sat with attitude gangsta'tude young with tattoos in all the correct hollywood spots on his forearms and a couple just above the collar and one in that little stretch of skin between thumb and forefinger and those razor-cut sideburns that flowed around to becoming his mustache he made a rather classic appearance but

who the fuck knows

he probably had just committed some grisly crime against humanity in another county and they had moved his trial to san francisco to get a fair trial and they had decided to slide him into the courtroom with all the weenie name changers to avoid the media or maybe

he got busted for masturbating in the school parking lot

and this russian chick stood up said her name was olga and she changed her last name to something like smith or jones i guess she married a local boy maybe she simply scammed an older guy for his money and now needs to change her name the possibilities are endless it's not like she leaned over showed me cleavage and whispered hoarsely in that breathless russian accent and revealed to me her secrets we just didn't have that kind of relationship now i can only speculate i can only guess it's totally my loss

and the woman we followed down the stairs the woman with the baby she stood up and changed her baby's name she told us that the baby's grandmother had died and that they were changing the baby's name to honor dead granny i wonder i wonder i wonder if deep down deep down way deep in the subconscious the baby will remember the earlier name i believe it was julia i wonder if the baby will somehow retain the earlier name and somehow magically on an elevator twenty-seven years from now on an elevator in the four seasons hotel in houston some soul mate will have the inspiration to whisper the name julia in her ear and they will spill out of the elevator and into her room and not appear nor answer the phone nor let the maid in for twenty-seven hours and

they will live happily ever after

but not in texas

and the woman sitting in front of us accompanied an ancient filipino woman up to the bench and she was a lawyer and i hadn't spotted her identified her as an attorney and i was disappointed in my powers of observation but she accompanied this woman who looked as if she had not eaten in twenty-seven days and she helped her change her name and the judge asked her about another petitioner on the docket and the woman the lawyer said that her other client that was apparently related to the ancient woman next to her perhaps married to her perhaps a brother i don't know but she said her other client was terminally ill and could not appear and the

judge said where is he

and she said that he was homeless he just needed his name changed so that he could receive medical benefits and there were real tears welling up in this lawyer's eyes and i had to flush previous lawyer stereotypes from my mind for a while my eyes teared up a bit as well and the

judge said bring him in

and the lawyer said yes judge and that was that she closed up her manila folder what the fuck is manila anyway the dictionary says made from manila hemp didn't know they grew hemp in manila cool they must have very kind green bud in manila as well she closed her manila folder and walked slowly out with the ancient filipina and

a young indian woman changed her name from patel to allen and that was that

and then they called us up and the three of us sat at the table with the microphones and this was not your mother's perry mason but then again it very well could have been no your honor she did not mean to slaughter my heart i just fell in love i forgive her but no that's not why we were there

the judge said

is all the information you provided true and stella leaned forward and said yep and i leaned forward and said yep and the judge said please answer separately not together so we had to do it again and

the judge said

are you changing the boy's name in order to defraud or deceive anyone and we this time taking turns we one after the other leaned forward and said nope it's all on the up and up and

the judge said

petition granted and we stella and me we leaned over and gave our boy a kiss on the cheek and said happy birthday salamander